Tales From a Working Class Geek

Way Too Late Movie Review: “The Wolfman”

2010-08-30T06:21:00.001-07:00

This is one of those rare occasions where I actually watched a Netflix movie the same day I got it and sent it back promptly the next day. Only because my wife wanted to see it too, otherwise I’m sure it would have sat half forgotten on a shelf for at least a month until I got around to it.

“The Wolfman” is the story of Lawrence Talbot, played by Benicio Del Toro, an American actor returning to his ancestral home in England when he learns that his brother is missing. When he arrives he finds his brother dead and tensions between him and his estranged father, played by Anthony Hopkins, to be high. His brother’s widow Gwen, played by Emily Blunt, is distraught and vulnerable and he begins to fall in love with her. But while investigating his brother’s death, he’s attacked by a creature, which he soon comes to realize was a werewolf. The authorities and townspeople are suspicious, and Talbot begins to suspect that his father knows more about what his happening then he is letting on.

I’ll start with the positives. Visually the movie is beautiful. The settings are dark and gothic, striking the perfect mood. And the special effects are quite good, particularly the transformation sequences, which is inevitably the heart of a good werewolf movie. And Hugo Weaving’s portrayal of the investigator trying to solve the case is excellent, sort of a ye olde Agent Smith. But the biggest drawback in the movie in my opinion is Del Toro, who just seems miscast in the lead role. Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s a great actor, but this part just doesn’t seem to fit him. Maybe there’s a parallel in showing him portraying Hamlet early in the movie, because he seems to carry a melancholy with him throughout the film. But his fury seems more sullen then angry. Maybe that’s intentional, but to me it just doesn’t feel like a lead performance. Anthony Hopkins is excellent in the role of the father, but the character is too subtle to say that he stole the movie. All in all, the pacing (especially in the first half) is slow, and the ending is unfulfilling.

My wife said that it was just ‘meh’, and that she’s glad that we didn’t pay to see it in the theater when it came out. However I think that this is a movie that benefits from the theater experience. The gothic settings and action sequences would probably work better on the big screen. But on one point we agree, and that’s on the ‘meh’ factor.

Three out of Five Stars

Fairly Topical Movie Review: “Inception”

2010-08-26T14:58:00.000-07:00

These days, I’m actually relieved when there’s a movie out that I want to see and my wife doesn’t. It’s much easier to find time to go to the movies by myself then it is to find a babysitter and plan a night out to see something together. So I lucked out with “Inception”, a movie that I’ve been excited to see since the first preview. In a weird coincidence, it has a lot of similarities with Leonardo Dicaprio’s film from earlier this year, “Shutter Island”. Both are reality bending journeys through the main character’s psyche, both characters lost their wives, and both movies challenge the viewer to figure out what’s real and what isn’t.

Leonardo Dicaprio plays Cobb, a thief who uses military technology to enter people’s dreams and steal their secrets. He’s on the run from the law, estranged from his children and accused of his wife’s murder. When he’s offered a dangerous job to plant an idea into a subject’s head rather than retrieve information, he puts a team together to do it. But he’s keeping a secret from the rest of his team, a representation of his dead wife is plaguing his subconscious and endangering the mission. He needs to face his demons in order to complete the mission and return to his children.

The dream world is obviously the most original and striking part of this movie, and the visuals are stunning. But the story more than carries its weight, it’s intricately woven as they cut back and forth between three different levels of the dream world. It all fits together like a beautiful puzzle. The performances are great, with emotional highs and lows that carry the viewer through the movie and make us care about the characters and their journey. One of if not the best movie that I’ve seen this year.

Four out of Five Stars

MovieMistakes.com

2010-06-23T05:23:00.001-07:00

An open letter to MovieMistakes.com. *ahem* Fuck you. Seriously, take a large black dildo and pound it up your brown eye with a rubber mallet. Now I’m not a paying member of the site, if I were you can bet that this letter would be sent to someone there directly. As it is, this is a free service that I’m using as a simple amusement to help pass the time in my boring day, but I have a serious bone to pick with the way things are run over there. I am sick and tired of posting legitimate mistakes, only to have some pedantic asshole post a nonsense correction for it. Making up a possible set of circumstances that could explain away a mistake is not a correction! You could do that for every mistake if you really tried. The point of the correction system on the site is to catch non-mistakes that somehow make it through the rigorous submission process and are posted to the site. Honestly, if I were a paying member of the site, I think I would take umbrage with the fact that I’m paying for a service that is partially being outsourced to the Internet public for free, namely quality control. There is a two page list of rules that you have to read before you can submit a mistake, but as far as I know there are no guidelines for submitting a correction. There’s no appeal option, there’s no open dialogue, there’s no place to post a rebuttal and assert your opinion that the mistake you posted is legitimate. Let me show you what I’m talking about here. Here is the mistake that I posted for “Kick-Ass”, followed in brackets by the correction.

When Kick-Ass called Big Daddy and Hit Girl for help, they leave behind their hot cocoa. After Hit Girl rescues Kick-Ass and they return to their house, Hit Girl looks at the two mugs of hot cocoa and we can see the marshmallows floating in both cups. Considering the amount of time elapsed, those marshmallows should have been melted. [Not so. We don't know how hot the drinks were in the first place, and by virtue of the fact the drinks would be cooling down means the marshmallows never get to melt.]

Fuck. You. We don’t know how hot the drinks were? Are you fucking kidding me? It’s called hot chocolate, something tells me that it’s probably hot. Have you ever had a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows? They melt ridiculously fast. Yes, the drinks are cooling off, but the marshmallows would have melted way before that even started to happen. And this is just one example, I’ve had other mistakes posted that have gotten equally ridiculous corrections. The point is, in a movie, there are certain simple assumptions that can be made. For example, hot chocolate is hot. And saying ‘Well, maybe it wasn’t hot’ is not a correction, it’s a possible explanation that has no facts in the movie to support it.

There, I just needed to get that off my chest. Thank you.

Fairly Topical Movie Review: "Toy Story 3"

2010-06-22T15:24:00.000-07:00

So as those of you who know me already know, I’m leaving my current job at the end of the month and I’m going to be spending the summer with my daughter. As such, my blog entries are likely to be even more infrequent (if that’s even possible), but thanks to a lot of movie theaters doing a free summer movie program for kids, you can expect a few ‘Way Too Late’ reviews of kids movies. And maybe a couple of newer ones as well, including the subject of today’s post of course. Father’s Day weekend was pretty hectic in the Cyberbeast house, what with my daughter being sick, but we did manage to make a trip to the theater and it was well worth it.

Toy Story 3 is all about what happens to toys when their owners grow up. Andy is 17 now and off to college, and the gang are worried about what will become of them. Will they be stored in the attic, or thrown away. At its heart, it’s a story about loyalty and friendship, and it delivers on an emotional level in a way that most live action dramas only wish they could. We all remember what it was like to be a kid and have an emotional attachment to your favorite toys, and the feeling of growing up and having to let go of that, even if in our hearts it’s not something that we really want to do.

Even after three turns, the basic premise of a world where all of our childhood toys could walk and talk whenever we weren’t looking still hasn’t gotten old. This time out the toys end up in a daycare center that at first seems like a paradise, but they soon discover is really a prison. They’re locked in the toddler room, to be battered and abused by kids that aren’t age-appropriate to play with them properly. Woody, ever loyal to Andy is trying to find his way back to his owner when he’s picked up by a little girl named Bonnie and taken home with her, where she plays with him along with her other toys. He eventually learns of his friends’ predicament and returns to the daycare center to break them out. The prison break sequence has some of the best, funniest parts of the movie, along with Bonnie’s play time. There’s something about those playing scenes with Bonnie, and the opening sequence with Andy, that just rings true of what a child’s imagination is really like.

The film is filled with so many great scenes, including the opening action scene which shows Andy playing with them from the perspective of his imagination. There are a lot of funny moments, a lot of great character stuff, and a lot of great performances from the cast of the first two movies, as well as newcomers to the cast Ned Beatty, Michael Keaton and Jeff Garlin. I know that a lot of people love making lists of their favorite Pixar movies, and arguing over which ones are better than others, but I think that Toy Story 3 is going to be at the top of those lists pretty consistently with very little argument. It’s not just a great kids movie, it’s a great movie.

My Netflix Rating: Five out of Five Stars

YouTube Theater: Star Trek Dubs

2010-05-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

I can't stop laughing at these. Enjoy, courtesy of the Dayjob Orchestra.

Find more here - http://www.youtube.com/user/dayjoborchestra

10 Secretly Great Episodes from TNG

2010-05-24T07:05:00.001-07:00

Some episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation are well remembered because they are so great (“The Best of Both Worlds”, “Yesterday’s Enterprise”, “The Inner Light”). Some are remembered for being so bad (“Angel One”, “Shades of Gray”). Some are famous as defining character moments (“The Measure of a Man”, “Hollow Pursuits”, “Sins of the Father”) and still others are famous for their inventive storytelling (“Cause and Effect”, “Darmok”). But there are other great episodes that aren’t always remembered, they’ve fallen through the cracks of our collective consciousness as Trekk(ies/ers). Rewatching the series as I have been lately thanks to SyFy and BBC America, I’ve found quite a few episodes that I had forgotten how much I loved. Here is a list of some of those forgotten gems (in chronological order).

“Clues” (4x14)

The ship encounters a wormhole, and everyone aboard except for Data is knocked out for thirty seconds. They send a probe back to the planet they thought they had detected before the wormhole, and then they continue on their way. But before long, strange things start happening. A plant sample that Dr. Crusher is cultivating shows 24 hours of growth. Data begins acting strangely. Computer logs have been tampered with, transporter logs show 24 hours of extra cell growth, Worf has a broken wrist that’s been mended and no memory of breaking it, and boy is Data ever acting strangely. All the clues point to a missing day, and Data seems to know what’s happening, but he’s not talking.

This episode is a prime example of my favorite type of TNG show, the mystery. In fact, this episode is all about how much humans love a good mystery, and how they can’t resist trying to solve it, even when they know that they probably won’t like the answer. As the titular clues begin piling up, the viewer becomes just as invested in this mystery as the characters, longing to solve it, to find out what happened.

“Identity Crisis” (4x18)

Five years ago, on an away mission as part of the crew of the USS Victory, Geordi LaForge took part in an investigation into 49 missing Federation colonists. Now, all but two members of that away team are also missing, and the Enterprise is on its way back to that same planet to find out what happened to them. When they get there they find abandoned shuttle craft and torn Starfleet uniforms. Somehow, the missing crewmen and being transformed into aliens, and the same thing is happening to Geordi and his lady friend. Geordi now has to review the logs from the original away mission to find the answers to this mystery before he himself is transformed.

Remember that scene in Blade Runner where Deckard is using his computer to examine a photograph, moving through it and zooming in to find the clues that it contains. There’s something very compelling about that scene that I’ve never been able to fully explain to myself. You’re watching the wheels turn in someone’s head, extrapolating information, piecing together clues, trying to figure out what it all means. Geordi’s scenes recreating the away mission logs on the holodeck have that same indefinable element, as he locates a shadow that doesn’t seem to belong to anyone and extrapolates where it’s coming from. A mysterious humanoid figure, previously invisible appears, and there’s moment where we instinctively know that something bad is about to happen. It’s that tension that keeps the viewer riveted and makes me love this episode.

“Conundrum” (5x14)

The Enterprise is struck by a mysterious energy wave from an alien ship, and the entire crew gets amnesia. They retain enough knowledge to run the ship, but they have no idea who they are. They’re finally able to get some data from the computer, including their names and their immediate mission. The audience is immediately aware that something is wrong, because the personnel files list a Commander MacDuff as the First Officer and the mission files say that they are at war with a race called the Lysians, and they’re supposed to destroy their command center. But when they discover that the Lysians are about 100 years behind them technologically, they realize that things aren’t adding up. Turns out Commander MacDuff (pictured above with his human shell burned away, revealing his chewy nougat center) is a big fat liar, and a member of a race that really are at war with the Lysians and they just wanted the Enterprise to do their dirty work.

“Sorry about all those ships we destroyed. Our bad.”

This is an unusual episode, but it’s a lot of fun to watch the crew interacting with each other in strange ways, making incorrect assumptions about their relationships with each other. Worf thinks he’s in command, Ro and Riker think that they’re an item, and Data thinks that he’s a bartender. The same idea will be done again years later on Buffy the Vampire slayer in “Tabula Rasa”, only played for a lot more laughs. In any case, a very creative episode that was very well done.

“Power Play” (5x15)

Following a distress call to an uninhabited moon, the Enterprise discovers the remains of a 200 year old starship, the USS Essex. When Troi senses life on the moon, Picard sends an away team down to the planet via shuttle craft. The shuttle crashes, Riker breaks his arm, and O’Brien beams down with pattern enhancers to rescue the away team (why they don’t include pattern enhancers as part of the shuttle’s standard equipment, we’ll never know). Lightning strikes the enhancers, knocking everyone down (a stunt that Marina Sirtis did herself, breaking her tailbone in the process) and the unconscious crewmembers (except Riker) are entered by a trio of little floaty balls of light. Back aboard the Enterprise, the three alien possessed crewmembers take hostages in Ten-Forward, where they claim to be the ghosts of the crew of the Essex and demand that their remains be beamed aboard and given a proper burial so that they can rest.

I think it’s a rule now that every show, no matter what genre, has to have an episode with a hostage situation. This is definitely one of the more creative methods that I’ve seen, but still all the normal tropes are here. Picard trades himself as a hostage to get the injured hostages released. There’s a covert attempt to disable the hostage takers, which goes wrong. There’s a mother with a baby among the hostages, Keiko and Molly O’Brien. Considering that this is shortly after Molly’s difficult birth in “Disaster”, also in Ten-Forward, Keiko might want to consider avoiding the room from now on, bad things seem to keep happening to her there. And of course, there’s the heroic sacrifice in the end and the dramatic revelation that the captors aren’t who they say they are. But cliché’s aside, the reason this episode is so much fun is that the bad guys are wearing familiar faces. And any excuse to let Brent Spiner ham it up is okay by me.

“The Next Phase” (5x24)

While offering aid to a damaged Romulan science ship, Geordi and Ro are presumed lost in a transporter accident. However when they wake up back aboard the Enterprise, no one can see or hear them and they have the ability to pass through solid objects. Ro thinks that they’re dead and their ghosts, but Geordi isn’t so sure. And so the two have to solve the myster (there’s that word again) of what happened to them, all while watching their shipmates deal with their deaths and plan their memorial service.

There’s a lot of great character stuff here for Ro, as she explores her relationship with Picard (seen walking through her, above) along with her mixed feelings toward Riker, and his possible feelings toward her. Ro didn’t get that much character development that didn’t directly refer to her being Bajoran or her people’s plight with the Cardassians, so it’s nice to see her on her own here with her guard down. There’s also some great character stuff with Data and Geordi, as Data considers his friendship with him and what it means. But the best part I think is the stuff with Geordi and Ro. These are two characters that haven’t had much interaction with each other in the past, thrust together in a situation, clinging to each other as comrades and friends. The scene with the two of them at the end laughing together is really touching. I wish they would have developed their friendship more in future episodes.

“Frame of Mind” (6x21)

Riker is rehearsing a play aboard the Enterprise where he is playing a mental patient, when weird things start happening to him. People staring at him strangely in the halls, an alien crewmember that he’s never seen before keeps appearing, and a cut on his head that keeps reopening. Then he wakes up to find himself in a mental hospital for real, the mysterious alien is his doctor, and he’s told that he’s insane and his life aboard Enterprise is just a delusion. Then he wakes up on the Enterprise again and is told that the alien mental hospital was just a dream. What’s real and what isn’t? Is he crazy or is he being held prisoner?

I love these kinds of episodes that fuck with your head. We see all of the events from Riker’s perspective, so by the end we are just as unsure as he is as to what is actually happening. It’s a great character episode for Riker, something he didn’t get very many of, a great mystery, and it had a lot of dark and scary imagery that really worked well. It’s a fear that plays to all of us, being thought of as crazy and having no way to prove otherwise. Watching “Shutter Island” earlier this year, it reminded me a lot of this episode.

“Timescape” (6x25)

Picard, Troi, Data and LaForge are returning from a conference on Earth, traveling via runabout, when strange things begin occurring. Troi notices that the others all seem to freeze for a few seconds, as if being put on pause. One of the runabouts engines fails, drained of fuel, and the logs say that it’s been running continuously for 47 days. Some rotten fruit and some long fingernails later, they figure out that they are encountering pockets of space where time is either speeding up or slowing down. And when they return to Enterprise, they find it trapped in one of these pockets, seemingly during an attack by a Romulan Warbird.

Again, this episode breaks down into essentially a great mystery story, with a lot of really fun sci-fi tropes along the way. As the four of them move around aboard the frozen Enterprise, each new scene they encounter is another clue as to what is happening. The Enterprise is supplying power to the Romulan ship, but why? They’re beaming aboard injured Romulans, but why?

Dr. Crusher seems to have been shot while doing the robot, but why?

“Parallels” (7x11)

After returning from a bat’leth tournament, Worf starts noticing small changes on the Enterprise. People suddenly appear or disappear during conversations, Data’s eye color changes. As the Enterprise begins to investigate a sensor array close to the Cardassian border that is no longer transmitting data to the Federation, the changes that Worf observes become more pronounced. Suddenly he finds himself married to Counselor Troi, then he’s first officer and Riker is the captain. Cardassian ensigns, Wesley as tactical officer, cats and dogs living together, it’s crazy! They eventually trace the problem to a space anomaly that Worf encountered on the way back to Enterprise, turns out that Worf isn’t crazy, he’s just hopping between alternate universes. They make their way to the anomaly and after an attack from a Bajoran warship, it starts spitting out Enterprises like crazy, all of them from alternate universes. Worf flies his shuttle back into the anomaly, clicks his heels together three times, and before you know it everything is back to normal again?

Alternate universes are another one of my favorite sci-fi tropes. It’s all about ‘what if’, which is the question that you’ll find at the core of most great science fiction. The idea that every decision we make results in an alternate reality where the opposite decision was made, and that those decisions can butterfly effect in fantastic ways that we can only imagine, is tremendously interesting. This is also a good character episode for Worf, and set up the whole Worf/Troi relationship that persisted throughout the rest of the series. Now, I’ve never been a fan of Worf/Troi. To me, adding a relationship to a show that late in the game smacks of the old add-a-kid strategy. Things are getting stale? Shake them up a bit, add a cute kid or a talking animal with magic powers, start pairing people off for no reason. The whole thing is just a little to soap opera for me, and Star Trek is better than that. It doesn’t have to resort to cheap character gimmicks to tell interesting stories.

“Masks” (7x17)

The Enterprise is investigating a rogue comet, when strange alien artifacts start appearing throughout the ship. Turns out that the comet is actually some kind of alien archive, and it’s been traveling through space for 87 million years. It’s transforming the Enterprise into an alien city, and it’s transforming Data into its queen. Data begins to exhibit several personalities, all of them warning of the arrival of Masaka. When she wakes up, shit is going to go down. So they activate the transformation sequence to create Masaka’s temple, to try to get some dirt on her and summon her so they can convince her to stop turning the Enterprise into an Aztec yard sale. Everyone of Data’s personalities says that Korgano is the only one who can stop Masaka, but that he has stopped chasing her. Picard uses his archeology experience to figure out that Masaka and Korgano are like the sun and the moon, and uses that information to impersonate Korgano and convince Masaka to go back to sleep, which turns everything on the Enterprise back to normal.

This is probably my favorite episode on this list. It’s just so strange and yet so fascinating. When Data first starts exhibiting these other personalities, he looks up at the camera and says in a really creepy voice “Masaka is waking” right before a commercial break. It’s such a great WTF moment, and it really sets the tone for a lot of the strange stuff that happens later. It isn’t a very well received episode among the fans. Oddly enough, the thing I like the most about this episode, Brent Spiner’s performance, is the thing that most people point to when they shit on it, including Spiner himself. He apparently didn’t get as much prep time as he wanted for this performance and wasn’t happy with the end product, but I think that he does a wonderful job. A lot of the other criticism seems to be on the general weirdness of the story, which again I loved. Star Trek has always done such a great job of taking Science Fiction and making the elements relatable by drawing parallels to our modern day lives, but I don’t think that means that it can’t be weird too. Some of the best science fiction is the stuff that is just plain weird, and you can’t be afraid of that.

“Genesis” (7x19)

In Sickbay, Barclay has diagnosed himself with a fatal illness. Dr. Crusher assures him that he only has some alien flu, and gives him a treatment for it that involves activating dormant t-cells. Meanwhile on the bridge, the crew is testing a new weapons guidance system. One of the torpedoes they fire goes off course, so Picard and Data take a shuttlecraft to retrieve it. Aboard the Enterprise, the crew begins to behave strangely. Barclay is hyper, Troi starts complaining that it’s too cold and dry, Riker can’t concentrate, and Worf is acting extra aggressive and primitive. Worf attacks Troi, biting her on the cheek, and he attacks Dr. Crusher, spitting venom in her face. Three days later when Picard and Data return, they find the Enterprise in shambles, and the crew devolved into various primitive life forms. Riker is a caveman, Barclay is a spider, Troi is some kind of amphibian. Worf (pictured above) is some kind of proto-Klingon, and he’s marked Troi as his mate (hence the biting). Picard and Data figure out what’s going on thanks to Data’s cat, who has devolved into an iguana. Picard, who is devolving into a lemur at this point, has to distract Worf from trying to break into Sickbay to get to Troi so that Data can finish the cure and disperse it to the ship, which he does. In the end, Dr. Crusher names the new disease after Barclay and Troi clears her calendar for the next few days.

This is just a fun episode all around. It has humor, it has action, it has mystery, great special effects, and great character moments. It marks the directorial debut of Gates McFadden, as well as Barclay’s fifth and final appearance on the series. Worf and Troi’s relationship has developed to the biting stage, which is good for them. A lot of fans complain whenever any humor is injected into the show, and while I’ll agree that a lot of early episodes that tried it fell flat, this episode is a good example where it works. It isn’t forced, they aren’t trying to do gags, it’s just an unusual situation where characters are acting out of character in a way that’s funny. Riker trying to eat Picard’s fish, Data telling Picard that’s he’s transforming into a lemur or a pygmy marmoset. In the immortal words of Larry the Cable Guy, I don’t care who you are, that’s funny.

YouTube Theater: Drew Carey's Green Screen Show

2010-05-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

To celebrate YouTube's 5th birthday, I bring you another installment of YouTube Theater, where I share some of my favorite videos from the site. This time, I offer clips of the short-lived but brilliant follow up to Whose Line is it Anyway, Drew Carey's Green Screen Show. Enjoy.

Comics Review: “Green Arrow: Quiver”

2010-05-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

In my effort to continue my comics education, I’ve decided to take a break from The Question and take a look at one of my other favorite characters from JLU, Green Arrow. And so what better place to start, I thought, then Kevin Smith’s run from 2001. Well, it isn’t the most insular of runs, with its many cameos and references to DC continuity, but it has a good reputation and I like Kevin Smith so it seems like a logical place for me to start.

Let me start off by saying that while I do like Kevin Smith, I’m not a super fan. In fact, I’ve only seen two of his movies (Mallrats and Dogma) along with all three “An Evening with Kevin Smith” DVDs. Actually, I’m probably more of a fan of those DVDs than I am of the movies. I think he’s a great storyteller on stage and he has such an everyman approach to the film making process that makes the behind-the-scenes stories that he tells very interesting. Plus, he’s funny. So while I’m a fan, I’m not going to bow down to the alter of the cult of Kevin Smith and immediately gush over anything that has his name on it. On the other hand, he has a bit of a negative reputation in comics for a variety of reasons, but since I’m not a regular comics reader I’m not going to be influenced by that either. These ten issues may have taken eight months to come out back in 2001, but I read them all over the course of a few days, so my experience with them is probably significantly different from someone who read them when they first came out. Take from that what you will.

Quiver tells the story of Oliver Queen’s mysterious return from the dead, and his return as Star City’s favorite emerald archer, the Green Arrow. With a ten year gap in his memory, and no idea why everyone keeps insisting that he’s dead, Ollie tries to go back to business as usual. But a few run-ins with the Justice League convince him to get to the bottom of the mystery of his return. One of the things I liked most about this book was all of the appearances by the other Justice Leaguers. Rather than detract from the main story, I felt like it was an organic way to establish setting and back story, not to mention a lot of great character moments. Batman especially has a great role in this, guiding Ollie along on his quest for answers. Ollie does eventually get the answers he’s seeking, and reunites with his son along the way.

The book reads more like a graphic novel than a trade paperback, because the issues flow together so seamlessly. The art by Phil Hester is very well done, with great splash pages and intricate character work that manages to convey real emotion. It’s a story about second chances, about reclaiming what’s been lost. It was a great read and it’s inspired me to pick up more Arrow books in the future.

Way Too Late Movie Review: “The Day the Earth Stood Still”

2010-05-12T05:25:00.000-07:00

This is one of those movies that seem like such a big deal when it first comes out, but then a few months later no one even remembers it. In fact, I think that if I hadn’t put it on my Netflix queue back when it was still in theaters, I would have forgotten all about it as well. I remember being interested in it back then. The special effects looked good and it was a remake of a classic science fiction movie, which can be good or bad. But I have never seen the original so I didn’t carry any baggage with me into this experience, I kept an open mind. However, now that I’ve seen it, I’m beginning to understand why it disappeared from the public consciousness so quickly.

Keanu Reeves plays Klaatu, and alien who arrives on Earth in a giant glowing sphere that lands in the middle of Central Park. Jennifer Connelly plays Dr. Helen Benson, a scientist who is called in as part of a team, at first to deal with the aftermath of what they believe to be the inevitable impact by an object that will obliterate Manhattan, and then later to examine the alien. They determine that the alien has to be born into human form on Earth in order to survive on our planet. On the surface, Keanu Reeves seems perfect for this part. His stiff and stilted acting style seems tailor made for an alien in an unfamiliar human form. And I have to say that Reeves does a passable job. But where the movie starts to fall apart is in the decisions that the characters make. Dr. Benson decides to help Klaatu escape, but why? It seems like a nice thing to do but there’s no logic behind it, at the time she knows nothing about why he’s on Earth or what his intentions are. When Klaatu needs help, he calls Dr. Benson, but why? The two seem to instantly trust each other for no apparent reason.

Meanwhile in Central Park, a large creature stands guard over the sphere that Klaatu arrived in. Not quite organic and not quite fully mechanical, they call him GORT, which is an acronym for something that I couldn’t be bothered to remember. They shoot him with missiles, which do nothing. And then eventually they capture him by sealing him in a giant triangular container that they just happened to have on hand and that just happens to fit him perfectly.

Elsewhere, Dr. Benson is chauffeuring Klaatu around along with her young stepson, played by the next Karate Kid, Jaden Smith. We learn that she’s a widow, and that the boy’s father was in the Army. He’s angry, and he thinks that the Army should just kill the aliens, even if they don’t mean any harm, just in case. But off course, Klaatu does mean us harm. He’s come to save the Earth, not for humans, but from them. Smaller spheres begin appearing all over the planet, collecting animal specimens. And Dr. Benson decides that the only way to save humanity is to convince Klaatu to stop it all. She brings him to John Cleese, a professor who tries to convince Klaatu that humanity is worth saving, that we can change or ways, but only at the precipice of destruction. Klaatu seems to consider it, but then the Army shows up, thanks to the kid who called them. And again, more bad decisions. Klaatu, Benson and the kid take off into the woods. Why does she keep putting this kid in danger? Why did she bring him in the first place when she went to pick up Klaatu? Why not leave him at the professor’s house here, where he’ll be safe instead of running out into the open where Army helicopters are trying to capture them? Benson gets captured but Klaatu and the kid escape. Klaatu saves the kid from falling of a bridge, and instantly the kid starts helping him. The same kid who tried to turn him in not a minute earlier.

Meanwhile GORT is getting tired of being poked and prodded and starts wrecking shit. He turns into a swarm of tiny machines that start moving through the Eastern seaboard like a cloud, eating up everything along the way. Benson convinces the Secretary of Defense to let her try and talk to Klaatu to convince him to stop. The kid takes Klaatu to his father’s grave and asks him to resurrect him. When Klaatu says he can’t, the kid gets pissy again. Benson shows up and has a heart to heart with the kid and everyone has a good cry. In the end, Klaatu sacrifices himself to save the Earth.

The special effects were good and the acting wasn’t bad, but the plot is full of so many holes that I found it hard to really get into the movie. So while I wouldn’t say it was a total waste of time, I wouldn’t recommend it either.

My Netflix Rating: Three out of Five Stars

Fairly Topical Movie Review: “Kick-Ass”

2010-04-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have a sort of love/hate relationship with film critics. On one hand, I think they take themselves way too seriously most of the time and judge movies by unfair criteria. They love to look down their noses at action movies, or comic-book movies or lowbrow comedies. But on the other hand, I know that these guys are forced to watch a lot of bad movies as part of their jobs, and for someone who has made their whole life about movies, a bad one can feel like a personal insult to them. They’re frustrated by a system that cares about nothing but the bottom line, and so almost every movie that comes out is a remake or a sequel or an adaptation of some kind, things that are low risk for the studio but that are also low on originality and creativity. So I understand why they’re such hateful, spiteful stuck-up movie snob. But understanding their motivations doesn’t make them any less assholes, so like I said, love/hate.

Like most people I’m sure, when a movie comes out that I want to see, I read a lot of reviews first before I go see it. And when the reviews are bad, it’s frustrating. Not because I think the movie might really be bad, but because I feel like the critic is talking down to me because I wanted to see it in the first place. You’re not smarter than me or better than me just because I like a movie that you don’t, and that goes for everybody. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion of course, I’m not calling anyone an asshole just because they disagree with me, it’s the elitist attitude that I find annoying.

That being said, when I read negative reviews of “Kick-Ass”, I was frustrated but I wasn’t surprised. A comic book, action movie with lowbrow humor, based on a comic by the often hated on Mark Millar. It already had several strikes against it. But I’ve never read the comic and I don’t really have any strong opinions about Mark Millar. I love comic book movies and I like action movies, so I thought it looked great. And I wasn’t disappointed.

“Kick-Ass” asks the question, what would happen if people put on costumes and tried to become superheroes in the real world? Maybe it isn’t the first movie or comic to ask and answer that question, but it definitely puts a new spin on the idea. Dave Lizewski is an average high school student, and a comic book nerd. He decides that the motivation for a masked crime fighter doesn’t have to be a tragedy or a thirst for justice, it just has to be someone who is naïve enough to give it a try. And so he puts on a costume and takes to the streets, and during his first encounter with a pair of criminals, he’s promptly stabbed and hit by a car. The movie’s approach to violence is one of the things that I think makes it feel real, there are consequences. The other heroes that Kick-Ass meets aren’t shy about using guns, and they don’t hesitate to kill. The violence is excessive, at least compared to your average superhero movie, but it never feels gratuitous, because it has a sense of realism with it.

After he recovers, Kick-Ass eventually sets out again, setting his sights a little smaller this time by looking for a lost cat, but he happens upon a fight that he can’t walk away from. Pretty soon, thanks to a video of him that ends up on YouTube, he’s a celebrity. One of the other interesting aspects of the movie regarding how costumed heroes would be received by the real world is the way the media is used. One of the first things that Kick-Ass does is create a FaceBook page, and he uses that to find people who need his help. He’s treated by the media like any other celebrity, complete with late night talk show hosts taking shots at him. It’s an interesting thing to think about, how costumed crime fighters would operate in the real world.

Kick-Ass eventually meets Big Daddy and Hit Girl, two heroes that are far more prepared than he is and far more violent. Even though the movie is mostly told through the perspective of the title character, these two are the real stars. Big Daddy is played by a scenery chewing Nicholas Cage as a psychotic Adam West-esque vigilante, complete with a tragic event in his past, an exaggerated sense of right and wrong, and a personal vendetta against the local mob boss. Hit Girl is his foul mouthed, tough-as-nails daughter/sidekick, and she’s responsible for ninety percent of the ass kicking in the movie. Fans of Cage’s more recent over-the-top character work often debate whether or not he’s aware of his own image and embraced it. His turn as Big Daddy definitely seems to show that he’s in on the joke. It’s melodramatic, but he plays it straight. If he hadn’t, it wouldn’t have worked nearly as well. As for Hit Girl, her character arc is probably the most dramatic and the most interesting, even more so than Kick-Ass. In the end, she shows Kick-Ass what it really takes to be a hero.

“Kick-Ass” is a movie with a mix of styles: Action, drama, comedy. It makes you laugh at things that aren’t funny, and it makes you feel for characters that are largely caricatures of classic comic archetypes. But ultimately in the end, it’s just a fun ride.

My Netflix Rating: Four out of Five Stars

Stand-up Comedy Review: “Joe Rogan: Talking Monkeys in Space”

2010-04-22T05:38:00.000-07:00

Joe Rogan once described himself on the Opie and Anthony show as the bridge between the meatheads and the potheads, and I can’t think of a more perfect description. Like most people I think I first became aware of Joe Rogan on NewsRadio, where he spent four years playing the eccentric electrician Joe Garrelli. After that he spent five years as the host of Fear Factor, where he shouted encouragement to large breasted women eating animal genitalia. And now, if you happen to see Rogan on TV, he’s likely to be offering color commentary for the UFC or interviewing a fighter at ringside. That’s quite an eclectic resume, and the reason I think he’s enjoyed success with such a wide variety of careers is that he doesn’t take any of it too seriously.

But despite all of his other jobs, Joe is a comedian first and foremost. And the aspect of this career that I enjoy the most has to be his appearances on the Opie and Anthony show, where he functions as half pied piper for hallucinogenic drugs and half mad scientist, turning the boys onto all sorts of weird and interesting information about the world around us. Just imagine watching the Science Channel while high, and you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

“Talking Monkeys in Space” is Joe’s most recent stand-up special, and in it he talks about evolution, and how it doesn’t mean that there’s no God. “All I’m saying is that God created a monkey, that doesn’t like to think it’s a monkey, and lies a lot.” He talks about how a lot of human behavior is just ‘leftover monkey shit’. Whether it’s climbing to the highest branch or following the alpha male with the shiniest fur. He takes on bullshit artists like Ted Haggerty and Dr. Phil, people who succeed in life based on nothing more than telling people what they want to hear. But no matter the topic, Joe always manages to put an interesting spin on it and make you think about it in a way that you never have before, and of course, make you laugh. So check it out, you won’t be disappointed.

Hump Day

2010-04-21T15:02:00.000-07:00

Olivia Munn

Marvel vs. DC: Animated Movies

2010-04-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

Marvel and DC have both been releasing a lot of direct-to-DVD animated movies over the last few years, and most of them have been really good. But the ultimate question of course is which are better; Marvel or DC? So I’ve put together a little breakdown with some mini-reviews so I can decide for myself. Since I haven’t read any of the comics that these movies are based on (apart from a few issues of The Ultimates), I’ll be judging these movies on their own merits and not based on their source material.

Marvel

Ultimate Avengers:

Based on the comic “The Ultimates”, a gritty reboot of the Avengers, this feature may not be as gritty as the comic but it gets the job done. We get the conflict between the team members, reluctant to work together but forced to because of a threat too big for any of them to face alone. The action is good. I wasn’t that impressed with the animation but that could just be because I’m so used to the Timm-verse style of the DC movies and television series. But all in all I thought it was well done, four stars.

The Invincible Iron Man:

During an excavation to unearth an ancient Chinese city, Tony Stark digs up far more than he bargained for. The animation gets a real upgrade for this feature, as a lot of elements are done in 3D, specifically the elemental spirits that Iron Man has to fight. The story is fun, the voice work is good, and the action is great. All in all, the perfect appetizer for the first live action movie and probably the best of the Marvel efforts thus far. Four stars.

Doctor Strange:

Doctor Strange is one of those characters that I always thought was cool even though I didn’t know much about him. The thing that struck me most about this movie was its similarity to The Matrix. Our protagonist, gifted in his field, feels like there is something missing in his life, stumbles upon a secret war, joins a group of warriors, learns that he has a special destiny, is betrayed by one of his fellow warriors, and in the end he defeats the evil that is threatening them. The animation and voice work was good, the story and the action was great. Four stars.

Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow:

Of all of the movies listed here, this is the only one that felt to me like it was geared toward a younger audience. It was essentially “Jim Henson’s Avengers’ Babies”. The premise is interesting, that the Avengers are all killed by Ultron and that their children are raised and protected by Iron Man until they finally have to stand up and fight for themselves. The whole thing just felt a little too Saturday morning for me. Three stars.

Hulk Vs.:

This one is a double feature, “Hulk vs. Thor” and “Hulk vs. Wolverine”. Ultimately I think the goal with these was to let the Hulk let loose. He’s the most powerful creature in he Marvel universe, but rarely do we really get to see the violence that he’s capable of. The action is pretty good, but I think the story lacked in a few placed. The Wolverine one had better action and the Thor feature had a better story, but together they average out to be…well, average. Three stars.

Planet Hulk:

Every Hulk story that I’ve ever read or seen before, the character focus was always on Banner. The Hulk represented something that was happening to Banner, or at most a side of Banner, but as a character in and of himself, not so much. The Hulk was a force, a creature of pure rage and little else. But Planet Hulk turned all that on its ear. For the first time (to my knowledge) the Hulk has a character arc. He has wants and needs, lessons to learn, decisions to make. And in the end, he even gets the girl. I thought this was a great story, with good action and genuine character drama. Four stars.

DC

Superman: Doomsday:

Based of course on the famous Superman run in which the man of steel is killed by the titular Doomsday, this movie was the first direct-to-DVD title that DC put out after Justice League Unlimited ended in 2006. DC set the bar here with what they wanted these features to be; more mature, more violent, closer related to the comics. And Doomsday doesn’t pull any punches, from the violence of Superman’s death, to the menacing evil of Lex Luthor and the creepiness of Toyman. I have to say that when I first saw the voice cast, I was dubious. I was used to the way the characters were drawn and voiced on JLU, and change can be scary. I’m not too fond of Superman’s character design in this, his jaw line and chin dimple are bordering on ridiculous. But the voice cast does an excellent job here, especially James Marsters. His portrayal of Luthor is quieter and colder then Clancy Brown’s, but it’s no less powerful. Four stars.

Justice League: The New Frontier:

Based on the graphic novel by Darwyn Cooke, New Frontier takes place in the 1950’s, in between the Golden and Silver Ages of comics. It’s an interesting time in the DC universe that isn’t often explored. The government doesn’t trust these heroes, but they’re forced to work together against a common threat. We get origin stories for Green Lantern and Martian Manhunter, we get to see some cool retro costumes, and we get a great voice cast ranging from David Boreanaz as Hal Jordan to Neil Patrick Harris as The Flash. One of my favorites of the DC movies. Four Stars.

Batman: Gotham Knight:

Much in the same style as The Animatrix, Gotham Knight is an anthology of six short anime-style stories loosely woven together, taking place in the new movie universe after the events in “Batman Begins”. Each story is done by a different director with a different animation style. Kevin Conroy reprises his role as the Dark Knight in each of the six features. In my opinion, Conroy is the quintessential Batman, and he lends a lot of credibility to the movie. It’s a style that fans may not be used to, but Conroy reminds the viewers that this is still our Batman. I’d have to say that this one is my favorite of the modern DC movies. The animation is beautiful to look at, the stories good, and the voice cast does a great job. Four stars.

Green Lantern: First Flight:

Along with Gotham Knight, this was the only other DC movie not directly based on a specific comic. The animation and the action was good, I’ve always liked the Green Lanterns. As an origin story though, it felt rushed. They stuffed so many story elements into such a small space, I think it all came out a little jumbled. But ultimately, it was still a fun movie and I liked it. The voice cast was good, though I have to say that I liked David Boreanaz in New Frontier better as Hal Jordan. But Michael Madsen as Kilowog was good casting. Three stars.

Superman / Batman: Public Enemies:

“Lex Luthor's attempt to win the presidency the old-fashioned way... by buying it, seems to be picking up steam. New poles show that 22% of Americans now support his third party bid. In a completely unrelated story, 22% of Americans now indicate a preference for getting [beep]-ed in the [beep] with a red hot poker!”

One of the things that I liked most about this movie was the more mature humor that was sprinkled without, complete with PG-13 style cursing. And of course, the fact that they got the original voice cast back again. Tim Daly, Kevin Conroy and Clancy Brown all reprise their roles from the DCAU, making this feature feel like an old friend. The story is fun, the cameos are plentiful, and the action is great, but what really makes this movie for me is the friendship between Batman and Superman. Two characters who by all accounts shouldn’t like each other as much as they do. Daly and Conroy make it feel real, and it lends real weight to the climax of the film. Plus Clancy Brown as Lex Luthor going batshit crazy at the end, what’s not to love about that. Four stars.

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths:

Again, when I saw the voice cast for this I was dubious. This time I’d say they’re batting around .500. William Baldwin, James Woods and Gina Torres were all great. Mark Harmon and Chris Noth, not so much. It’s hard to be overly harsh on Chris Noth as Lex Luthor, since he’s an alternate universe Luthor, and therefore who’s to judge what could be out of character. But still I found the performance kind of flat. And Mark Harmon just didn’t feel right as Superman to me. As for the story, I loved it. Ask anyone, I’m a sucker for alternate realities. There were some out-of-characters moments for Batman I thought, lying to Johnny Quick to get him to sacrifice himself, but ultimately I liked the climax with him and Owlman. And the Owlman character was extremely interesting I thought, and well voiced by James Woods. The Martian Manhunter/President’s daughter storyline I could have done without, but all in all I liked the movie a lot. Four stars.

Conclusion:
The winner: DC! The animation and voice work is consistently better, and the stories are generally better as well. Maybe I’m being influenced by the DCAU, which I believe has also been consistently better then most of the animated series that Marvel has put out over the years. But still, I have to call this one for the Distinguished Competition. So what do you, the viewers at home, think?

YouTube Theater: Literal Videos

2010-04-10T14:25:00.000-07:00

These are a lot of fun, here are a few of my favorites.

Fairly Topical Movie Review: “Shutter Island”

2010-03-29T06:01:00.000-07:00

Going to the movies is more and more becoming a rare experience for me. So much so that every time I go, I’m still shocked by the ticket price. I actually overheard the couple in front of me in line say ‘Are we really going to pay $21 to see Hot Tub Time Machine?’ The answer is yes, they did. And though I feel a little better about my movie choice than theirs, it still stings a little. But, such is life.

I’ve been excited to see this movie since it first came out, for two reasons. The first is that it looked really good, scary in a weird kind of way that I like my scary movies to be. And second, because it’s actually a good movie. So many of the movies that I love to go see are action movies, summer blockbuster superhero movies or science fiction, nothing that’s really setting the critical world on fire. But here was a Martin Scorsese movie, getting good reviews, and I actually wanted to see it. For once my taste in movies wasn’t being belittled by the movie watching elite. And then I made the mistake of reading a review for the movie on the Onion A.V. Club (which was positive), and reading the comments section that went along with it (not so much). It seemed that the hipster douche community was determined to rain on my parade and piss all over this movie. But what irritated me even more was the fact that they spoiled the end of it for me. Undeterred, I set out to see the movie anyway.

Leonardo Dicaprio is Teddy Daniels, a US Marshall traveling to an asylum for the criminally insane on the titular Shutter Island in Boston harbor. He has a new partner and a dark past, and he’s been assigned to investigate the escape of one of the asylum’s most dangerous patients. Almost from the moment they arrive, the staff and the patients of Shutter Island start acting strangely. The escaped patient disappeared from a locked room, and nobody saw anything. Soon, Teddy reveals to his partner that he’s on the trail of something much bigger then just an escaped patient, and that the goings on at Shutter Island are much more sinister than then appear. A violent storm traps the Marshalls on the island, and Teddy begins to have strange dreams about his deceased wife and his experiences in the army during the war, liberating a Nazi concentration camp.

The most striking thing about the movie is the cinematography. It’s shot in such a way that you feel much like the protagonist, you can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t? Who’s sane and who’s insane? Who can you trust? You become almost as paranoid as Teddy, expecting trouble around every dark corner.

Amazing visuals with an intriguing story that keeps you guessing, even when you think you have it figured out you’re never quite sure. Ultimately, the experience is worth it, even if you do have an idea on how it’s going to end.

My Netflix Rating: Four out of Five Stars

YouTube Theater: Fan Trailers

2010-03-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

Know what I learned the other day? The theme song for the Thunder Cats was written by James Lipton, from "Inside the Actor's Studio". Isn't that weird? It reminded me of one of my favorite fan-made trailers.

And one more, just for shiggles. This one is for a Green Lantern movie starring Nathan Fillion. Try to pick our where all the clips are from, it's fun!

Comics Review: “The Question, Vol. 2: Poisoned Ground”

2010-03-16T04:41:00.001-07:00

“Poisoned Ground” is the second trade paperback to collect the adventures of the Question from the critically acclaimed 80’s run. It starts off with a couple of stand alone issues. The first involves a crime boss who bears a resemblance to a certain mutant from a certain other comics company, with a certain healing factor and certain adamantium claws (subtle, right?). And the second involves a serial killer who takes inspiration from Gilbert and Sullivan. Both are good stories, but they end in cliff-hangers that aren’t resolved in the next issues. The art seems to be getting better, they’ve even managed to change Question’s hair color when he uses the bonding gas on his mask.

The middle three issues focus on the kidnapping of The Question’s friend and mentor, Dr. Aristotle “Tot” Rodor. Question mounts a rescue plan to find his friend. And along the way, his interactions with Myra, his old flame and the mayor’s wife, are becoming strained. They both still have feelings for each other, but Myra feels bound to her marriage vows, even though the marriage is a sham, and duty bound to Hub City as its defacto mayor.

Somewhere around issue 9, Question’s hair starts getting longer, until he’s sporting a mullet. There’s something vaguely disconcerting about this image change. It’s like my gritty pulp hero/detective/Eastern philosopher was suddenly replaced with Patrick Swayze from Roadhouse. Also, it seems like somewhere along the way, Question’s Zen philosophy became an excuse for lazy writing. The Question no longer chases down clues and makes connections, he just sort of goes with the flow and ends up where he needs to be purely by accident. In the end, he doesn’t rescue Tot so much as gets captured right before Tot was getting ready to escape himself. The two then end up on a plane back home without knowing much about how they got there.

In the last issue, The Question gets a haircut, while Tot looks like Robinson Crusoe after 30 years on his island. Question tracks down one of the men who ‘killed’ him from the first issue, uncovering a environmental disaster and a murder for hire plot along the way. The last issue does seem to get back on track for me, but still, it’s clear that this is a very different character then the one I knew from JLU. Some of the elements that first attracted me to the character are here, but a lot of them aren’t. I’m sticking with it though, I’m not giving up on my favorite faceless vigilante just yet.

Book Review: “Star Trek: Destiny” Trilogy by David Mack

2010-03-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

When I was younger I used to read Star Trek novels religiously. This was back when the shows were still on the air, the books were all numbered, they were all stand-alone stories, and none of them were canon. The books were pretty good, and some authors, like Peter David, even made them great. I stepped away from the books for a while when I discovered fan fiction, but when I rediscovered them again a couple years ago I found out that something wondrous had happened during my absence. With none of the series on the air anymore, the books became free to continue the story. No longer were they hindered by the giant reset button that had to set everything back the way it was by the end of the book. New characters were introduced, loose ends left hanging from the series were tied up, and new situations were introduced. There was continuity, all the books released took place in the same universe, even across the different series. Oddly enough, the books were numbered when they weren’t contiguous, and now that they are the numbers are gone. And while still not technically canon with the TV series or the movies, the novels became better because of their new freedom. The downside of this is that without any of the shows on the air, the public interest in the books is less. So even though the books are better now, the selection at your local bookstore is likely to be pretty sparse. And without numbering, it can be hard to figure out which books come before others. But if you take the time to do a little research and get the books through Amazon or some other online source, the reward is well worth it.

“Star Trek: Destiny” represents a major event in this new bookverse (yes, that’s what I’m calling it). It crosses between almost all of the series, primarily focusing on four Captains and their ships. Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise, Captain William Riker of the USS Titan, Captain Ezri Dax of the USS Aventine, and Captain Erika Hernandez of the USS Columbia. (And for you DS9 fans who haven’t been reading the books, yes, you read that correctly. Ezri is a Captain now. In the DS9 books she’s still a lieutenant, but it’s still the same continuity, the DS9 books just take place earlier). The greatest threat that the galaxy has ever seen, the Borg, have returned. And this time, the outcome can be nothing short of total annihilation. Previous TNG novels had been building up the Borg threat for a while; “Resistance”, “Before Dishonor” and “Greater than the Sum” to name a few. The Borg once thought of humans and nothing more than a nuisance, but now that they’ve turned their full resources to destroying the Federation, not assimilating it, nothing can stop them.

Meanwhile, across the galaxy in the Gamma Quadrant, the USS Aventine is investigating the discovery of the centuries lost USS Columbia, crashed on a planet that it would seem impossible for them to ever have reached. And when an Aventine crewmember is mysteriously killed on Columbia, Captain Dax has a tough decision to make. Stay and investigate, or follow her orders to return to Federation space to join in the fight against the Borg. Ezri feels like she has a personal stake in the mystery of Columbia, something that started with her previous host, Jadzia. She’s a young Captain (sort of), but she’s determined to do right by her crew. I have to say that when I first came across these books and saw that Ezri was the Captain of a starship, I was skeptical. It didn’t seem like a logical fit to me. The Ezri that I remember from the series was a sweet woman, caring, dedicated, but nothing about her really said ‘command officer’. But reading the DS9 books, there is a natural progression there as Ezri gets more in touch with what it means to be a joined Trill. She no longer the flighty young woman we first met who was unprepared to be joined. For lack of a better term, she’s grown into her symbiont. And in these books, she shows that she has what it takes.

Flashbacks to the events of Columbia’s disappearance start filling in the back story, as they meet an enigmatic, isolationist race of aliens called the Caeliar. Erika Hernandez only made one or two appearances on Star Trek: Enterprise as an old friend of Jonathan Archer’s and Captain of the NX-02. The character is fleshed out here and given a story arc that provides the through line for the trilogy. One of the things that I liked about Enterprise (there’s a sentence I bet you never thought you’d read) was the feeling that these ships really were out there on their own. They didn’t have the Federation to support them, or a vast fleet of ships to back them up if needed. Here we see that first hand as Columbia faces an ordeal that will ultimately leave them lost to history. And Captain Hernandez is left to make some pretty hard decisions.

On Earth, Federation President Nanietta Bacco (with the help of her staff and advisors, including Seven of Nine) is gathering allies, trying to create a unified defense against the Borg. These scenes work very well I think, sort like The West Wing meets Star Trek. With most Trek, the focus is so much on life in Starfleet aboard a starship, it’s always nice I think to learn more about other aspects of the universe, like government and politics. I know on paper it looks like science fiction and political thrillers shouldn’t mix (just ask George Lucas), I think it works here to better give us the scope of these events.

Meanwhile halfway across the galaxy on the USS Titan, Riker and Troi are faced with tragedy of their own. Deanna is having a difficult pregnancy, and she’s informed that the baby will not survive. One of the things that I like most about the Titan books is the character drama. Titan is a ship crewed by many different alien species, some of them not even humanoid, and as they try to live and work together they face many personal difficulties. Captain Riker is faced with a distraught wife who is also a member of his senior staff, he has to be there for her while dealing with this tragedy himself, but he has to put his ship and his crew first. It’s a balancing act, and he isn’t always successful at it. Titan is investigating the transwarp conduits that the Borg use to travel to the Alpha Quadrant. What they discover are the Caeliar. And with them, looking as though she has not aged a day in 200 hundred years, is Erika Hernandez.

In the third book, the Borg come, laying waste to everything in their path. These three Captains have a chance to stop them, but the plan is risky. Everything is at stake. Along the way we learn the origins of the Borg, and we learn what happened to the Caeliar and the crew of the Columbia.

This trilogy is a must read for anyone who is interested in the modern Star Trek bookverse. When it’s over, nothing will ever be the same again. It’s a fast paced, energetic read filled with personal drama, political intrigue, and everything in between. But of course, you don’t have to take my word for it.

Stand-Up Comedy Review: “Bill Maher: The Decider”

2010-03-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

Fewer things polarize people as much as politics and comedy. Put them together and every time you open your mouth you’re probably pissing off more people than you’re pleasing, whether you’re funny or not. Bill Maher has made a career out of pulling no punches with his political material, calling it like he sees it regardless of how unpopular his opinion may be, and of course, pissing people off. Apart from a few early stand-up specials, my introduction to Bill Maher was “Politically Incorrect” on Comedy Central. One of my fondest childhood memories in fact is having breakfast with my dad and watching the show on the weekends when they would replay the week’s episodes. It’s become almost cliché now for my generation to get our news and political commentary from comedic sources like “The Daily Show”, but for me without comedians like Bill Maher and Dennis Miller, I never would have become interested in politics. It’s a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.

From Comedy Central to ABC, and then finally to HBO with “Real Time”, Maher continues to mix serious political discussion with his own biting satire, closing each show with a segment that he calls “New Rules”.

“The Decider” (2007) is Maher’s parting salvo at the Bush administration. He comments in the opening minutes how with all the scandals, blunders and missteps, the country has “fuck-up fatigue”, wherein the citizenry has so come to accept the incompetence of the presidency that they’ve lost their outrage. Well Bill is here to stoke that fire and make sure that we never forget what a nightmare the last eight years have been. He takes us through the highlights, applying his ever-sharp wit to all of the usual suspects.

But it isn’t just the Republicans that draw Bill’s ire. He takes shots at lobbyists, the pharmaceutical industry, organized religion, and the pussification of the American male. But no matter the topic, his perspective and his frank delivery does well to point out the ridiculousness of it and make it funny. Thanks to YouTube, the entire special is up for viewing. So as Levar Burton once said, you don’t have to take my word for it.

YouTube Theater: Batman Sings!

2010-03-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

Here's a new feature that I've come up with to share some of my favorite YouTube videos.

My daughter Nikki loves superheroes, especially Batman and Spider-Man, and lately she's been obsessed with a certain episode of "Batman: Brave and the Bold", Mayhem of the Music Meister! Starring the voice talents of Neil Patrick Harris. Enjoy.

And on a related note (hehe, note), here's one of my favorite moments from JLU.

Comics Review: “The Question, Vol. 1: Zen and Violence”

2010-03-05T07:31:00.001-08:00

A while ago on this blog I listed my favorite characters from Justice League Unlimited, and at the top of that list was The Question. Jeffrey Combs’ portrayal of the faceless vigilante captured my attention from his first appearance on the show. The depiction of the character on JLU was that of a detail-oriented, conspiracy obsessed, seeker of truth. Dismissed by his colleagues as crazy or paranoid, The Question’s observations were almost always proven correct in the end. And when it came down to it, he was willing to put everything on the line for what he believed in. Visually speaking, the idea of a man without a face intrigued me. You couldn’t read his facial expressions, so you couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He was an enigma. I promised myself that I would go back to the comics to read about this character and learn more about him, and I’ve finally done exactly that.

The Question was created in 1967 by Steve Ditko for Charlton Comics. In 1983 Charlton was acquired by DC, The Question was then revamped by Dennis O’Neil (writer) and Denys Cowan (artist). “Zen and Violence” collects the first six issues of the acclaimed DC series that ran from 1986 to 1990.

The Question is Vic Sage, investigative reporter for KBEL in Hub City. When we’re first introduced to our hero, he’s taking apart a room full of thugs, looking for a video tape. He gets what he’s after and leaves, while the mysterious Lady Shiva stands by and watches, doing nothing. The tape contains evidence of corruption in the city government, leading all the way up to the mayor himself. He plays it on the evening news that night, where it catches the attention of Reverend Jeremiah Hatch, the mayor’s ‘pet sky pilot’ as Vic calls him. Hatch is the one who is really running the show, and his agenda is far more twisted then anyone knows.

Vic is a bulldog, fighting the tide of crime and corruption that has taken over Hub City with no regard for his own personal safety. As both Vic Sage and The Question, he’s searching for the same thing, the truth. He’s fearless and dogged in his pursuit of it. But his determination has made him over-confident, reckless. He shows up at a meeting that he knows is a trap, and he pays the ultimate price. He’s severely beaten by Lady Shiva, then shot in the head Hatch’s goons and dumped in the river, left for dead.

When Vic wakes up, he doesn’t remember much, but he knows that he should be dead. He learns that Lady Shiva pulled him out of the water and saved his life, but why? He receives a visit from Batman, who admonishes him for risking his life so foolishly. He tells him “You can’t half do what you were doing. It has to be full time. It has to be who you are.” Shiva leaves instructions for Vic, which lead him to the doorstep of Richard Dragon, who agrees to train him. Vic spends a year with Dragon, training his mind and body both. At the end of his training, Shiva shows up again. She tells Vic that he has a warrior’s passion, but her motives for saving his life are still a mystery.

Vic returns to Hub City as The Question and goes after Hatch. But things have become more complicated in his absence, and he finds an old flame involved with the mayor. Her and her daughter’s lives are at risk. Hub City is descending into chaos, and The Question is the only one who can stem the tide.

It’s hard to read The Question and not think about Rorschach from Watchmen. Alan Moore originally wanted to use the Charlton Comics characters for his book but was unable to, so he patterned the characters after them. Rorschach was based on Question, and subsequent portrayals of Question have been influenced by Rorschach, so the two characters have been intertwined. The Question even makes mention of his Watchmen equivalent in a later issue of this very series, and even attempts to emulate him. There’s a determination and a moral absolutism in the character, which Rorschach of course takes to the extreme, but it’s in this book as well. The Question comes to embrace a Zen philosophy from his training with Richard Dragon, and he seems to take Batman’s advice to heart. In the beginning of this book, The Question was just a mask that Vic Sage wore to further his own agenda. But by the end, The Question becomes who he is, and Vic Sage becomes the mask.

There is one small nit that I’d like to pick however. The gas that the Question uses to bond his mask to his face is also supposed to change the color of his clothes (and in some versions of the character, his hair as well) to further his disguise. The idea being that Vic Sage is a public figure and would be easily recognized on the street. But early in this book, his clothes don’t change at all. In the beginning of the story he goes right from beating up thugs to on the air wearing the exact same suit, with the exact same hair, and yet no one ever figures out that he’s The Question. Later in the book his clothes do change color slightly, so maybe this was just a coloring mistake in the early issues.

Most of the elements that first attracted me to the character on JLU are here as well, this visual look of the character of course as well as his tenacity and determination. So I think I’ll be picking up volume two soon enough to see where this goes, so look for more reviews in the future. Same Question time, same Question channel!

Stand-Up Comedy Review: “Louis CK: Chewed Up”

2010-03-04T05:54:00.000-08:00

If I had to make a list of my favorite comedians working today (and believe me, I’ve tried), Louis CK would definitely be near the top. I first became aware of Louis years ago, from HBO and comedy central. His act then wasn’t as personal as it is today, but he still had a distinctive way of looking at things and an absurd rawness that was very funny. He’s written for David Letterman, Chris Rock, and of course his own show on HBO “Lucky Louie”, which was a much more honest and unique take on the sitcom format. Too unique perhaps, as it was canceled after only one season. Louis is also a regular guest on my favorite radio show, Opie and Anthony.

There’s an honesty in Louis’ comedy that you don’t see very often. It’s almost cliché these days to say that a comedian is ‘outrageous’ or ‘tells it like it is’. So much of that is false, forced shock that comics try to pass off as jokes. But when you look deeper, there really isn’t anything funny there (I’m looking at you, Carlos Mencia). Louis CK is the only comedian that I’ve seen that is so raw and honest about his own life and family. He’s middle-aged, married (now divorced) with two kids, and he talks candidly about how much his life sucks. As a parent, it’s surprising to hear someone give voice to those darker things that we sometimes think and feel and are embarrassed by. And more importantly, he makes it funny.

But family isn’t the only thing that Louis focuses his ire on. He talks about getting older, and how at a certain point in your life doctors stop trying to fix the things that go wrong with your body. Your ankle hurts? You didn’t twist it, it’s just old and shitty now and you have to live with it. He talks about language and about society, and with everything he touches on there’s a truth and a frankness that’s both refreshing and hilarious. You get the sense that he doesn’t talk the way he does for shock value, but because he’s just too tired and world weary to be tactful.

“Chewed Up” is available on DVD and to view instantly on Netflix. Check it out for yourself, you won’t be sorry.

Netflix Rating: Four out of Five Stars

Hump Day

2010-03-03T14:23:00.001-08:00

Charisma Carpenter

‘Movies I’d Never Heard Of’ Review – “Franklyn”

2010-03-01T07:28:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, cruising through my recommendations on Netflix, I’ll come across a movie that I’ve never heard of before, and yet seems to be right up my alley. Maybe it never had a theatrical release, maybe it’s a foreign movie, or maybe it was just so poorly promoted that it managed to sneak under my radar. Most of the time I say to myself ‘Hey, that looks good. I should see that.’ And then I almost immediately forget about it. But in an effort to expand my movie horizons and expose myself to better movie, I’ve decided to make more of an effort to watch these movies that I might normally pass by. In addition, I get to write about them and maybe turn some other people on to them, so that’s a plus.

“Franklyn” (2008) is a British film by writer/director Gerald McMorrow, so maybe that’s why I hadn’t heard of it until now. Ryan Phillippe is John Preest, a vigilante in the futuristic, steampunk Meanwhile City. Preest is on a mission to assassinate The Individual, the leader of a religious cult that is responsible for the death of a little girl that he was hired to find. Meanwhile City is a place where religion, any religion, is mandatory, and atheists are outlaws. John Preest is the only atheist left. Along with this story, three other plots begin to unwind, taking place in modern day London. Emilia is a suicidal art student, at odds with her mother. Milo is a young man trying to find himself after being jilted by his fiancé shortly before their wedding. And Peter is a man looking for his missing, mentally ill son. It’s the way that these four stories slowly begin to intersect that makes this movie so interesting and unique.

The most intriguing aspect of this movie, and what attracted me to it in the first place, are the striking visuals and symbolism of Meanwhile City. Imagine, the religious architecture of a thousand faiths, all climbing into the sky, dominating a single city. The citizens fill the streets, looking for religious enlightenment from any source they can find it, trying to make their dismal lives make some kind of sense. The city’s authorities, The Ministry, patrol the streets, a cross between clergymen and a police force. This film certainly has something to say about faith and organized religion, but in the end it’s up to the viewer to take away their own message. Who’s right and who’s wrong, who’s crazy and who’s sane, what’s real and what isn’t. And that’s what I loved the most about the movie; it didn’t just tell me what happened, it made me think about what happened and made me interpret it on my own.

My Netflix Rating: Four out of Five Stars

Book Review: “Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein Trilogy”

2010-02-24T05:31:00.000-08:00

Let me start by giving you a little back story on me. When I was in high school, I devoured novels like a fiend. They were a good way to kill time during lulls in activity, and it made it less awkward when I didn’t have any friends to talk to (*single tear drips down*). But seriously, don’t cry for me Argentina, I’ve come to terms with being a social misfit. I was a huge Trekker back then (and still am I suppose), so I pretty much read all Star Trek novels, but occasionally other authors snuck in there too. Michael Crichton, Clive Cussler, Steven King, and the subject of today’s review, Dean Koontz.

But then something happened after I graduated. I discovered the Internet, and shortly thereafter, I discovered fan fiction. Novels started to feel old fashioned to me. Fan fiction was interactive, it was democratic. I started writing, and it felt good to have an outlet for my thoughts and ideas. And it felt really good to hear positive reviews from my peers on what I had written. There were so many interesting ideas floating around, seemingly endless, and no matter how bizarre a concept you could find a story. Sure, a lot of it was crap, but some of it was fantastic. And it was rewarding, sifting through all of the noise to find the gems.

But eventually the novelty wore off, and sifting through all the garbage was no longer fun. But the real defining moment came when I got a new job where I couldn’t get on the Internet at work anymore. I had to find something to fill in the lulls again, so I turned back to my old friend, books. I was reminded how much more rewarding an experience it can be to read a story by an experienced, talented author who knows how to weave a narrative as opposed to just someone who has an interesting idea and may or may not know how to turn that into a readable story. I rediscovered Star Trek novels (more on that in future reviews, hopefully) and I’ve become just a little obsessed with Dean Koontz.

Some have called Koontz a poor man’s Steven King, but I think that’s an unfair assessment. The two may write in the same genre on occasion, and be neighbors on the bookshelf thanks to the alphabet, but Koontz has his own unique style that I think sets him apart. His protagonists tend to be quirky and quick-witted, his dialogue pithy and almost Joss Whedon-like at times. His villains are dramatic, theatrical even. Confident and powerful, yet often times childlike. His settings often have as much character as the people he fills them with. He seems to have a gift for describing vast, abandoned spaces. And of course, his love for dogs has been expressed again and again with many a canine character, always portrayed as noble and heroic figures in his books.

Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein started its life as a television series for the USA network, with Koontz and Martin Scorsese signed on as executive producers. Koontz left the project after creative differences with USA, and the network ended up producing the pilot as a movie instead (available now on DVD). Koontz then developed his original idea for the series into this trilogy of novels.

The first book opens with our protagonists, New Orleans homicide detectives Carson O’Connor and Michael Maddison, on the trail of a serial killer called The Surgeon, who removes body parts from his victims. Carson is a dedicated, hard-nosed female cop with an autistic brother in her care. Michael, in a lot of ways, reminds me of Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He provides comic relief at times, but he’s a good cop and he’s dedicated to Carson. When during the autopsy of the latest victim of The Surgeon they discover that the man had two hearts, among other oddities, they find themselves on the strangest case of their lives.

Meanwhile, across the world in Tibet, living in a monastery, we’re introduced to Frankenstein’s monster, who now calls himself Deucalion. He’s been alive for over 200 years, traveling the world, trying to come to terms with what he is. Centuries prior, he killed his maker’s wife, and became horribly scarred when Victor tried to kill him in retaliation. Deucalion thought he was alone, but a letter from an old friend reveals that his maker is somehow alive and well, and living in New Orleans. The monks tattoo his face to cover his scars, and he travels to the Big Easy to seek out his former master.

Victor Frankenstein, or Victor Helios as he now calls himself, is a villain unlike any other the world has ever known. Megalomaniacal, completely self-absorbed, obsessed with his own brilliance and his twisted view of the world, Victor has made himself nigh immortal and seeks to replace humanity with his own New Race of man made monsters. No longer cobbled together from corpses, the New Race are created from scratch in a lab and programmed with total obedience to Victor. On the outside, they look completely human. But on the inside, each one of them is a ticking time bomb.

Another element of Koontz’s style is that he likes to spend as much time in the head of his villains as he does his heroes. This is especially true in the Frankenstein books, as we spend more time with Victor then probably any other character. We’re treated to every aspect of his cruelty and depravity, especially with regards to Erika, the new wife that he creates for himself. Perhaps this is why his eventual meeting of Deucalion in the second book seems so short and anticlimactic. The two meet face to face only twice in the entire trilogy.

Deucalion and the detectives meet in the first book and become allies against Victor, just as his New Race is starting to collapse. Some are driven insane by their programming, others experience complete physical breakdowns. Victor of course is too egomaniacal to see any fault within himself, as each step of the way he shows total denial in the fact that his empire is crumbling around him.

In the third book there’s the requisite appearance of a dog, as we build up to the final climax of the story. With three entire books of build up, maybe it can’t help but feel a little anticlimactic at the end, but it just seems to me like things were wrapped up a little too quickly at the end. Another trait of Koontz’s books is incredibly short dénouements, and this one has to be the shortest one yet. Still, Koontz manages to throw in a reference to his Odd Thomas series, which made me smile.

All in all, I think this trilogy is a great continuation of the classic horror story, with interesting characters and classic Koontz tropes along the way. But you don’t have to take my word for it!

Way Too Late Movie Review – "District 9"

2010-02-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

If there’s one thing that being snowed in for two days is good for, it’s catching up on my movie watching. So in between bouts of shoveling out my car (because my landlord is an asshole who didn’t get our parking lot plowed until 9:00 Sunday night), I managed to finally sit down and watch District 9. As with most of the movies that I watch way too late, D9’s reputation preceded it. Most of what I had read on the Internet said that the first half of the movie, with its faux-documentary style was great, but that the second half devolved into just another action movie. What I was expecting was a hard line, a moment where the documentary ended and the action movie started, but it wasn’t quite as cut and dry as that.

Throughout the movie the style seems to shift back and forth. Even during action sequences the movie will cut to security camera footage of the action, or news footage, or talking heads talking about the events that are taking place. In the beginning of the movie the documentary style serves the story well. We get our back story without any clunky dialogue, we’re introduced to characters in a way that makes them seem very real and natural, but by the end of the movie that all seems to fall apart. The interview segments and security camera shots no longer serve a purpose other than as a distraction, save maybe for the very end of the movie where they provide a nice capper to the climax. Ultimately, I thought the first half of the movie seemed to drag in parts, and a lot of the more comical aspects of the main character didn’t seem to fit with the tone of the film.

The premise is probably the strongest aspect of the movie. It’s Alien Nation, only much darker. Instead of the aliens assimilating into human society, they’re segregated and exploited. The Prawns, as the aliens are called, occupy a slum called District 9, where they’ve been relegated to trading their advanced alien weaponry (which is useless to humans, who are unable to operate it) to the Nigerian mob for cat food.

Our protagonist is Wikus Van De Merwe, a pencil pusher with the MNU who happens to have the unlucky distinction of being the boss’s son-in-law. Wikus is put in charge of the project to evict that aliens from District 9 and move them to the new District 10, far outside of Johannesburg. It’s clear from almost the beginning that he is in over his head, and as he blunders from one eviction to the next in District 9, he becomes exposed to an alien liquid that begins to change him into a Prawn. It’s then that he discovers two things. The MNU are conducting some pretty shady experiments on the Prawns, and his life isn’t worth spit to anyone but himself.

Wikus is a character that one would expect to find on “The Office”, not in an action movie. And it’s that juxtaposition that drives the movie, as this less than average guy finds himself in one untenable situation after another and is forced to make compromises that he never would have previously thought himself capable of. At first, to get his life back, and then finally, to do what’s right, knowing that he will probably never have his life back. Wikus isn’t a smart man, he isn’t even a very good man, but in the end he finds himself an unlikely hero, in a world that considers him a traitor, in a body that is not his own.

Even though I think the movie dragged and lost its tone at times, I think it succeeds in telling an unusual story in an interesting way.

My Netflix Rating: Three out of Five Stars

Hump Day (Belated)

2010-02-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

Amanda Tapping

Top 7 Bizarre Alien Foods

2010-02-02T12:08:00.000-08:00

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from watching the Travel Channel (or as I like to call it, Food Network II), it’s that you can tell a lot about a culture by looking at the food they eat. If there are two things I’ve learned, the second would be that Andrew Zimmern enjoys eating testicles. The stranger and more disgusting the food, the more a culture seems to be proud of it. This is true of even regional cuisine right here in the states. Case in point, my own hometown of Philadelphia has a little local delicacy called Scrapple. It is essentially the fruit cake of meat products, in that it is a good way to use leftovers. They take the parts of the pig that they can’t put into hotdogs and press it together in a loaf. It’s then sliced and fried and served with breakfast. Personally, I think it’s delicious, as long as you don’t think too much about what you’re eating.

So what does Scrapple, or cheesesteaks for that matter, say about my fair city? What does spicy food say about a culture? It’s fun to speculate, and it’s fun to think about these fictional alien foods and wonder what they might say about their respective races. As I looked back on some of these foods, I can’t help but think of Andrew Zimmern again from “Bizarre Foods” and I wonder what his reactions to some of them might be.

Gagh (Klingon)

Gagh are serpent worms, usually consumed live. Where I come from, we call it bait. Klingons are big on death, so the closer their food is to it the more appealing it is. The appeal of Gagh seems to be not in the taste, but in the feeling of the worms’ death throes in the mouth and stomach. Even when they are eating, they have to be defeating an enemy in some way. From the other Klingon cuisine that we’ve seen, it seems that they’re also big on I-dare-you-to-eat-this foods. They like to prove their bravado by eating things that other species would find repellent. Any Klingons living on Earth in the 24th Century probably enjoy haggis and stinky tofu.

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Andrew Zimmern eat live insects and worms before, so Gagh wouldn’t phase him a bit. He’d swallow them without issue, comment on their earthy flavor (or Qo’noSy flavor I suppose) and ask you to pass the targ testicles.

Hasperat (Bajoran)

Hasperat is a spicy concoction that resembles a burrito, though it does not appear to contain any meat. Its eye-watering, tongue searing heat seems to be its primary feature. Ro Laren commented once that her father made the spiciest Hasperat that she had ever tasted. She then offered to make it for the leader of the Maquis cell that she was infiltrating at the time, thereby setting him up to be a father figure for her, right before he was gunned down in cold blood by the Cardassians. Spicy food can also be considered a type of I-dare-you-to-eat-this food, but not because of any gross-out factor. It’s almost a test of strength and character, a trial by fire if you will. In a way, I think this represents the Bajoran people very well. They are a deeply religious people, and so they revere tradition. They have a pride in themselves that comes with fighting oppression, and a need to show their strength. But they are also a passionate people, and to me spicy food has always represented a desire for the spice of life.

Again, Andrew Zimmern wouldn’t have a problem here. He’d probably ask if there was some small animal available whose organ meat he could spread on the tortilla to add some flavor.

Plomeek Soup (Vulcan)

Plomeek soup is a dish that is probably most famous in Star Trek lore for Spock throwing a bowl of it against the wall in “Amok Time” when he was going through Pon Farr. That Christine Chapel, she never could take a hint.

It’s often described as bland in taste. No real surprise there. If spicy food represents passion and zeal for life, then Vulcan cuisine in general is probably plain and tasteless. It’s doubtful that they would see the logic in preparing a meal with complex flavors, food to them is just sustenance. But then, no one species is ever all one thing. An argument could be made that the flavor of Vulcan food is simply subtle, and needs to be appreciated as such. Neelix once tried to prepare Plomeek soup for Tuvok on Voyager, but he found it to be too spicy. Neelix then told him to go fuck himself. No, wait, that was a different episode, my mistake.

If Andrew Zimmern were to take a culinary tour of the galaxy, circa the 24th Century, he’d probably skip Vulcan. Since Vulcans are largely vegetarians, brains and testicles aren’t likely to be on the menu.

Tube Grubs (Ferengi)

Who would have thought that the Ferengi and the Klingons would have something in common, namely the eating of live worms. In addition, Ferengi also use a product called Beetle Snuff, which they snort to get a buzz on. I think there’s definitely an effort here to make the Ferengi seem more rodent or troll like. They’re short, they hunch over and cringe a lot, they eat insects, and it rains a lot on Ferenginar so there’s a good likelihood of finding them hiding under bridges for refuge.

The Ferengi enjoy their tube grubs chilled, and occasionally pre-chewed by their women folk. I think Andrew would be fine with the cold worms, but he’d probably pass on the naked bridge troll chewing on them first. He’s just not that kind of guy.

Jumja Stick (Bajoran)

A Jumja Stick is an extremely sweet Bajoran confection made from the sap of the Jumja tree. They were often seen carried by people on the promenade on DS9. Chief O’Brien and Nog both had an affinity for them. In a way, I think things that are extremely sweet can say much the same about a culture as things that are extremely spicy, they’re both forms of excess. If spicy food represents passion, then sweet food represents decadence, something that Bajorans might like to show off after the Occupation.

“What is that? Is that a testicle? No? Damn!”

Leola Root (?)

A root vegetable native to the Delta quadrant, its taste was never fully described, only that it was bad. Very, very bad. During the starship Voyager’s trek across the Delta quadrant, their resident guide and self-proclaimed morale officer Neelix introduced them to leola root. He cooked many dishes using the vegetable including leola root stew, leola rice pilaf, leola bark tea, I think he even used leola root to make that coffee substitute that he tried to foist on Janeway. There was even a running gag among fans regarding the number of shuttlecraft that had been destroyed during Voyager’s run that they were making additional shuttles out of the stuff. Thankfully for Neelix, he didn’t return to the Alpha quadrant with the rest of Voyager’s crew. If he had, he would have likely stood trial for crimes against taste buds.

Something tells me that Andrew Zimmern and Neelix would have gotten along swimmingly. He could have spent a lifetime sampling the bizarre concoctions that erupted out of that kitchen.

Rokeg Blood Pie (Klingon)

Rokeg Blood Pie is a Klingon dessert, and a favorite dish of the Enterprise-D’s own Lt. Worf. Though not explicitly stated, we can assume that it’s made with blood of some kind. Klingon cuisine seems to feature a lot of blood and organ meat, that is when what they’re eating isn’t still alive. In fact, there’s even a variety of Gagh that’s packed in targ blood. They’re a warrior culture, and blood equals life and death, so there’s some symbolism involved. Or maybe they just have an iron deficiency, who knows.

“What are those things sticking out of the top? Are they testicles? Gimmie!”

Grand Moff Steve Jobs

2010-02-01T08:20:00.001-08:00

Is it just me, or does Steve Jobs look more and more like Grand Moff Tarkin every day?

"Purchase the new iPad, or I will destroy Alderran!"

Opie and Anthony Clip of the Week

2010-01-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

Here's another filler post that I haven't done in a while. In this clip, the boys make fun of the trailer for some god awful Jennifer Aniston rom-com. As a special bonus, the person who put this up on YouTube synced it up with the trailer, so you can watch along. Enjoy.

Hump Day (AKA 'Ooh, Is That Cheesecake?')

2010-01-27T13:56:00.000-08:00

Amber Benson

The Late Shift, Part 2

2010-01-25T06:00:00.000-08:00

Now that Conan has had his Tonight Show swansong, I feel the desire to weigh in on this whole debacle. First, a little history. When I was younger I used to watch Letterman, I could never stay up late enough to watch Conan. It wasn't until five or six years ago when they used to play the previous night's show on MSNBC at 7:00PM that I really started watching him and grew to love the show. And when they stopped doing that, I would catch clips on YouTube or Hulu. Conan has far become my favorite late night guy since Johnny Carson. His humor always leaned toward the silly, and he was never afraid to poke fun at himself. His cast of characters is legendary; Triumph the insult comic dog, Masturbating Bear, Pimpbot, Preparation H Raymond, Coked Up Werewolf, Frankenstein, Vomiting Kermit, Fed-Ex Pope, etc. His via satellite interviews with Arnold Schwarzenegger, or George W. Bush or Martha Stewart were always hilarious. And of course, by far my favorite running bit on the show, the Walker Texas Ranger lever. The best part of that bit was watching Conan react when the clip was over. It was always so real and so funny. And the interviews of course, Conan was the best. Always in the moment, always having a good time.

It's a damn shame what happened with the Tonight Show. NBC tried to have their cake and eat it too, and the ratings suffered for it. I can't help but think that if Jay had just bowed out gracefully and retired, none of this ever would have happened. Yes, Conan's rating weren't there yet, and maybe only part of that is Leno's fault for the bad lead in, but it took Leno two years to beat Letterman, Conan wasn't going to do it in seven months no matter what his lead in was. It's unfair, but it's business, and NBC is reaping what they sewed here. During this entire situation, Conan has been nothing but classy, and Leno has been anything but. How he has the nerve to act like an innocent in all of this is staggering, with his back room deals and backstabbing. His monologue is hack, his bits are unfunny, and his interview skills are piss poor. How he ever became number 1 in the first place is a mystery.

As for Conan's last show, I thought it was awesome. Just the right mix of comedy and sentimentality, class act all the way. Tom Hanks was great, always funny and always a great guest. Neil Young was great, I've never been that much of a fan of his but I have to say that the song he performed was both beautiful and sad, and it struck just the right mood for the occasion. And I loved the song at the end with Will Ferrel. Such a great moment for Conan, a great way to say goodbye. Conan has seven months before he can return to television, most likely with Fox. Here's hoping that he lands on his feet, and that he continues to make us all laugh for many years to come. And here's hoping that his new show kicks Jay Leno's ass.

We love you Coco, come back soon.

Hump Day

2010-01-20T15:31:00.000-08:00

I haven't done this for a while, and I'm lacking the inspiration to create any new entries with actual content, so until I have anything interesting to say, please enjoy the cheesecake.

Amy Acker

Stand-Up Comedy Review: “Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God”

2010-01-06T12:27:00.000-08:00

Jim Jefferies is a comedian that I’ve only recently been made aware of thanks to his appearances on The Opie and Anthony Show. For anyone familiar with O&A, Jefferies is best described as the Australian equivalent of Jim Norton. His style is honest, raw, raunchy at times, unapologetic, filthy, no holds barred, take no prisoners, and absolutely hilarious.

In his opening salvo, Jefferies takes on religion. An unabashed atheist, he makes no bones about telling the Christians in the audience that they are free to believe how they wish, but that they are wrong. He takes a look at some of the tenets of Christianity and pokes holes in them. Adam and Eve, Noah’s arc, Heaven and Hell. He touches on Jews and Muslims as well, just to make sure no one feels left out.

He moves on to more personal topics, talking about his family. This is where I think his set is the strongest, where he’s the most real and honest. The stories he tells are funny and relatable. He makes no attempt to dress his act up in artifice or pepper it with clever wordplay, which I think gives the stories a much more intimate feel, like your not watching a comedian at all but sharing stories with a friend.

The final bit is a story that is so dirty, I won’t even attempt to repeat it here. Not because I’m afraid to offend, it simply has to be heard to be believed. Reading it in stark black and white wouldn’t do it justice to the way he tells it, and I wouldn’t want to put anyone off before they get to make their own judgment. Suffice it to say, it’s funny, but it’s not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach.

My Netflix Rating: Four out of Five Stars

Fairly Topical Movie Review: "Sherlock Holmes"

2010-01-04T08:23:00.000-08:00

So on New Years Day I was finally able to convince my wife to use the movie gift card that we got for Christmas to go see Sherlock Holmes with me, it was the only think playing that we could even come close to agreeing on. I wanted to see Avatar, she wanted to see New Moon, this was our compromise. Though when we got to the theater and saw the line for the Avatar 3D showing, I was glad that we made the choice we did. I think I’ll wait for Avatar to come out on DVD, that way I can make fun of the blue cat people in the privacy of my own home.

I had read the complaints about the movie online before it even came out. Sherlock Holmes isn’t supposed to be an action hero, they said. Guy Ritchie uses slow motion in his action sequences too much, they said. Have I mentioned before how much I hate people who shit on movies before they are even out yet? Well, I do. All of the actual reviews I read were pretty positive, so I was excited to see the movie.

The opening sequence sets the tone for the movie. There’s good action, we get some insight into Holmes’ skills and methodology, we’re introduced to Watson and shown that he’s pretty badass in his own right. I particularly enjoyed Jude Law’s performance as Watson, which I’ve heard is more true to the book then the past movies have portrayed him. Sadly, I’m not as familiar with the original Holmes stories as I would like to be. Before this movie the closest I came was Data’s portrayal on Star Trek the Next Generation, and watching House.

Speaking of House, I had always heard that the character was based on Sherlock Holmes, but with this movie I can really see it. Especially in the relationship between Holmes and Watson which mirrors that of House and Wilson. Watson finds himself caring for Holmes, putting up with his eccentricities even as he’s trying to escape from him, but he’s pulled back in time and time again because of his own desire for adventure. Their relationship is definitely at the center of this movie, as they move from one clue to the next, and from one action set piece to the next.

Since this movie was advertised as an action movie, I was pleasantly surprised by how good the story was. It was a genuine mystery, with shady characters with unknown agendas, interesting clues for Holmes to decipher, surprising twists, and a fun action packed climax. And of course, hints toward a possible sequel. All in all, I’d say it was a pretty fun ride and I’d recommend it.

My Netflix Rating: Four out of Five Stars

Stand-Up Comedy Review: “Patton Oswalt: My Weakness is Strong”

2009-12-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

In many ways I fit into the classic definition as a geek, but not all of my geekly obsessions are the usual suspects. Yes, there’s Star Trek and comic books and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and fan fiction and all of the other things that make you picture me pushing up my taped up horn rimmed glasses whenever I talk about them (for the record, my glasses are neither taped nor horn rimmed, they are quite stylish). But among my chief obsessions in life is something that few people think of when they think of geeks, and that’s stand-up comedy. It started early, when I was a kid, ironically enough in the 80’s, when stand-up comedy wasn’t very good. I watched MTV’s Half-Hour Comedy Hour, VH1’s Stand-Up Spotlight, A&E’s An Evening at the Improv, and I rented every stand-up concert that I could find at the video store. I will admit, my early tastes weren’t very sophisticated. It’s true, I used to like Gallagher. There, I said it, I feel better now. And then one day I rented “Carlin at Carnegie”, and my world changed forever. George Carlin continued to be a hero of mine up into adulthood and still is today, influencing my current tastes in comedy still. Thankfully the 80’s ended, and stand-up comedy got a lot better and continues to do so. Smarter, darker, more edgy, more relevant. So for this feature, I’ll be reviewing some of my favorite stand-up concerts from today and yesterday. And for my first review, I’m going to start with the latest special from my favorite comedian working today, Patton Oswalt.

Oddly enough one of the main themes of this special is something that longtime fans of Patton never would have guessed he could ever touch on, impending fatherhood. Once the angry, nerdy bridge troll of comedy who once lamented on how it’s not okay for people to even be holding babies in his presence, because they are essentially tiny shirtless humans with bags of their own crap tied around their waists, this is major news. Patton informs the audience of the news in his own unique way (“I hate, I hate, it is all I am capable of, you knew that when you took my seed woman!”) and then laments on how much he’ll miss the drugs that he has to give up. Far from dulling his edge, Patton’s new found mature and responsible lifestyle only gives him a new perspective on the world, one that he can apply his ever sharp wit to. There are several more bits in the special that showcase the more domestic side of our favorite height challenged misanthrope. There’s one about trick-or-treaters coming to his house, and another about how in the process of house hunting, he and his wife came across the morning aftermath of an orgy. All of it is hilarious.

Patton tackles religion in this special as well, explaining it as a way for the weaker of primitive man to keep the strong from killing them, by promising sky cake in the afterlife. It’s a simple analogy that goes a long way toward explaining the way religion is used to control people, and also to point out the ridiculousness in killing each other over the details of whatever sky dessert happens to await us in the world beyond (It’s not sky cookies, it’s sky CAKE! I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you all!).

And of course, Patton touches on politics as well. His legendary vitriol against George W. Bush makes a brief appearance as he segues into talking about Obama/Biden, and how the White House has become the setting for an 80’s buddy cop movie. He also laments on the possibility of traveling back through time just a scant ten years so he can blow his own mind by telling himself that we in the future have elected a black man with the middle name of a dictator as president of the United States. Crazy.

But even with the old standbys of politics and religion, I think Patton truly shines when he’s relating more personal experiences from his life. His insights and his twist on things are always funny, and always thought provoking. The man’s edge remains fully intact.

My Netflix Rating: Four out of Five Stars

Way Too Late Movie Review: "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"

2009-12-22T05:12:00.000-08:00

This one has to be a new record for me. According to Netflix, “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” was shipped to me on October 15. I just watched it this past weekend. What can I say, never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. I have to say that I liked it, it delivered what it promised, at least in my mind. Some kickass action sequences, Wolverine’s backstory, good character moments, lots of appearances by other mutants that we haven’t seen before.

Liev Schreiber has to be one of my all time favorite actors, and he does a great job in this as Victor Creed (aka Sabertooth). In the comics Wolverine and Sabertooth’s pasts were always mysteriously linked, and in some continuities Sabertooth is actually Wolverine’s father. But making them brothers I thought was a nice touch. It added pathos to the relationship and made their turn to enemies that much more tragic. In Victor we see what Logan could be if he truly did let the animal in him take full control. But despite his brother’s savagery, Logan defends him, even killing to protect him. In the war montage at the beginning of the film, we see that these two violent and savage men never have a shortage of military conflicts to keep their skills busy, proving that no matter how vicious they are, the world is always more so. And the only thing that these two brothers have is each other. But when they join Stryker’s Team X, Logan finally finds the limit to the brutality that he will endure, and he leaves the team and his brother behind. Victor sees this as a betrayal, and Stryker manipulates him and his anger to bring Wolverine back to him, so that he can experiment on him to create his ultimate mutant weapon. Wolverine escapes, and unleashes his animal on Victor and Stryker both.

In Wolverine’s scenes with Silverfox, we see the kind of man that he wants to be, and we see the life that he could have had. That’s what makes her “murder” so devastating. Silverfox, the couple that take him in after he escapes from Weapon X, every glimpse at normalcy that he gets is violently ripped away. Silverfox’s betrayal at the end literally brings him to his knees. He finds out that not only was his chance at a normal life taken from him, he never had it in the first place. His reality is crumbling around him. But in the end, his love for her wins out, and he goes back to save her, to save all of the mutants. This is the conflict that has always been central to the character, what he is versus who he is. The violent animal versus the hero. I think the movie did a good job in portraying this.

The Rest:

Ryan Reynolds did a great job as Deadpool. He struck just the right balance of humor and action that the character demands. My only complaint would be that he wasn’t in the movie long enough. But of course, Deadpool will be getting his own movie soon enough. It just makes me wish that we could have gotten that Flash movie with Ryan Reynolds that we were promised, it would have been killer. The Weapon XI fight at the end was cool, and I loved the way that his eyes darkened to resemble Deadpool’s mask from the comics when he used Cyclops’ power, and the way his severed head kept firing optic blasts all the way down the tower as it fell. One logistical question though: Those retractable swords would make it impossible for him to bend his elbows when they’re retracted, seems kind of inconvenient. How does he wipe his ass? But then, with no mouth, he can’t eat, which means he wouldn’t need to go to the bathroom. So if he doesn’t need to eat, how does he get nutrients? I’m not trying to be a dick or anything, I’m not saying that these questions ruined the movie for me. I’m just curious.

The Blob even got a fair shake, I thought. Sure, he might have been played for laughs during his fight with Wolverine, but they still showed him as a powerful mutant and not a complete moron. And the fat suit didn’t look nearly as ridiculous as I thought it would. In fact, I’d say they did a better job with Blob than X3 did with Juggernaut.

Gambit I was a little disappointed with. Maybe it’s because he’s always been one of my favorite characters, but I just felt like they could have done it so much better. First of all, they didn’t get his eyes right. Gambit is supposed to have black eyes with red pupils. I know it’s a small detail, but I think it would have gone a long way toward making us feel like this was really gambit if they would have done that, especially since they didn’t keep anything from his costume, or even his personality really (apart from him and Wolverine not getting along too well). And I didn’t like they way they casually threw in that origin for his name, the guards on the island called him Gambit because he used to beat them at cards. Really? Does that sound like something a bunch of prison guards would come up with? If that’s really where his name came from, wouldn’t it be ‘That Fucker Who Keeps Beating us at Cards’? His powers were done well, and the fight scene with him and Wolverine was done well, but that then leads to another major problem I have. At the end of that scene, Wolverine has Sabertooth dead to rights, and Gambit stops him from killing him. Why? It was well established that Gambit had no love for Sabertooth, if he really thought that they were there to take him back to the island why wouldn’t he have just escaped when he had the chance? It doesn’t make sense.

In the end, Weapon XI is dead but Stryker manages to erase Wolverine’s memories with an adamantium bullet to the brain, leaving him in the state we find him in the first X-Men movie. The mutants on Stryker’s island are rescued by Professor Xavier, and Wolverine sets out on his own. All in all, it was a good movie. And it leaves me excited for the Deadpool and Magneto movies that have been promised to come.

My Netflix Rating: Four out of Five Stars

Top 7 Ways to Get F-ed up in the Future

2009-12-16T05:06:00.000-08:00

One interesting thing that I’ve observed from my years of watching Star Trek is that despite the utopian nature of the future depicted, humans (and aliens alike) still haven’t lost the need to dull their senses and escape into the loving embrace of booze once in a while. I mean, practically every starship or space station we’ve seen has a bar in it. That should tell you something.

Star Trek: The Next Generation introduced us to the idea of synthahol, a synthetic alcohol substitute which tastes and smells just like the real thing, but doesn’t really get you drunk. Talk about missing the point entirely. Why would you want to drink something that tastes like gasoline if you’re not at least going to get buzzed on the stuff? For the purposes of this list, I’m sticking to the real thing.

Bajoran Springwine

Religion and wine go together like, well, religion and fanaticism. And since the Bajorans are Star Trek’s go to race for religion allegories, it makes sense that they be given their own wine. The Bajorans have been making it for centuries from fermented kava fruit, so there is a sense of tradition that goes with it. And like seemingly all space-faring races in Star Trek, the first and best reminder of the comforts of home that you bring into space with you is something that can fuck you up.

Saurian Brandy

Always shown in a very phallic looking bottle, that can mean only one thing. It will fuck you up. Of all of the alcoholic beverages on Star Trek, this is probably mentioned the most, going all the way back to the original series. It’s usually referred to as being strong, and seems to have a reputation as a classy drink, enjoyed by civilized peoples. It’s mentioned with reverence, and bottles of it may be saved for years for a particularly special occasion. Basically, if rappers exist in the 24th Century, this is what they will be passing instead of the Courvoisier.

Tulaberry Wine

Remember how prohibition in the United States gave organized crime a foothold, what with their illegal bootlegging and such. And then after prohibition was repealed, they moved on to drugs, prostitution, extortion, murder, and all that fun stuff. Well, think of the Dominion as Al Capone and Tulaberry wine as his hooch, it’s how they got their foot in the door so to speak. Grand Nagus Zek sent Quark to the Gamma Quadrant for the purpose of acquiring a large amount of Tulaberry wine, more than the local producers could handle, for the express purpose of getting the attention of the Dominion. Anyone who remembers the last two seasons of DS9 knows how well that worked out*.

*not well.

Kanar

From my vast stores of Star Trek knowledge, I surmise that the perfect evening for a Cardassian, after a hard day of oppressing the indigenous population of whatever planet whose resources you’re stealing, would be to curl up on a nice hot rock and drink a glass of motor oil. Kanar may not be motor oil exactly, but it’s black and viscous (at least most of the time) and it’s good for getting well lubricated. Garak drank Kanar when the pleasure chip in his head stopped working. Damar drank Kanar when he was head of the Cardassian Union and the Dominion had him under their thumb. So I guess it’s good for making your forget your troubles.

Considering that in the mornings Cardassians like to drink a beverage that has been described as cold fish juice, what exactly Kanar tastes like is anyone’s guess. Since Cardassia has no agriculture to speak of, I like to think that it’s made of fermented rocks, or maybe ground up puppy dogs.

Aldebaran Whiskey

“It is…it is…it is green.”

What more is there to say about a beverage so nondescript that its chief feature seems to be its neon green color? That, and getting you promptly trashed. So when Scotty wanted to drink away his sorrows after finding himself aboard the Enterprise D, most of his friends dead, his once prominent engineering skills now 80 years out of date, Data reaches behind the counter and pulls out something that will get right on top of his boo-boo. It’s from Guinan’s private stash, so you know it’s good.

For those of you who recognize the color, the answer is yes, it’s Ecto-Cooler. There’s just something about Scotty and Picard sitting on the bridge of the original Enterprise, passing a bottle of Ecto-Cooler between them, it makes me smile.

PS: I miss Ecto-Cooler.

Romulan Ale

The Cuban cigars of alcoholic beverages in the future, in that it is illegal and yet seemingly not that hard to obtain (note: I have never actually attempted to obtain either Cuban cigars or Romulan Ale, so I have no idea exactly how difficult it would be. I’m just having a guess). The drink is highly intoxicating, even for Klingons (who have a notoriously strong constitutions), and resembles the blue stuff that barbershops use to soak combs in. This also appears to be the one drink from the series that is most replicated in the real world. There’s a beer, an energy drink, and several make at home recipes including everything from Bacardi rum to Blue Curacao liqueur. Or if you’re cheap, vodka and blue raspberry kool-aid works nicely.

Klingon Bloodwine

So if Bajoran Springwine is light and fruity and reminds you of springtime, Klingon Blood wine is dark and heavy and reminds you of war and murder. It’s made of blood after all (whose blood, we’re not sure). And is it any wonder that no Klingon vessel leaves port without a healthy supply of the stuff. Life aboard a Klingon ship is hard. You sleep on a shelf, your clothing is covered in spikes so every time you bump into a wall you hurt yourself, dental hygiene isn’t exactly the greatest, and the threat of death is constantly hanging over your head. So it’s no surprise that your average Klingon might like to get a buzz on every once in a while? Remember that notoriously strong constitution I mentioned earlier? This is where they get it from.

"Drink up, pussy."

Interesting note: the first human to drink bloodwine in the Star Trek universe was Jonathan Archer. Knowing his reputation as a human punching bag, it probably beat up his internal organs and stole their lunch money.

So what are your favorite fictional alcoholic beverages? Come on now, don't be shy, share with the class.

Way Too Late Movie Review: Star Trek (Includes Spoilers)

2009-12-07T05:22:00.001-08:00

As anyone who knows me longer than 30 seconds can attest, I am a huge Star Trek fan. So I’m afraid that I am cheating a bit here with the format that I’ve established for my ‘Way Too Late’ movie reviews in that I saw this one in the theater when it first came out. But I didn’t have a blog back then, so cut me some slack. With the movie’s release on DVD however, I did recently get to experience the next best thing to seeing it for the first time. Showing it to my father, and fellow Star Trek fan, and my brother-in-law last weekend. You see, my father loved the original series and he always hated William Shatner, so this movie was a win/win for him. Competing with the movie for attention was my two-month-old nephew Jackson. His cuteness made for a close battle, but I’m proud to say that the movie held it’s own. Also in attendance for this viewing: My sister, who hates Star Trek and took the opportunity to tease me about my obsession as well as my nerdly observations (Look, Kirk’s motorcycle doesn’t have an axle!) and my five-year-old daughter, who sat with rapt attention throughout most of the movie. Never have I been more proud of her. Seriously, it almost brought a tear to my eye. *sniff*

Anyway, on with the show. The movie largely centers on Kirk and Spock, on their lives, on their extremely contentious relationship and their burgeoning friendship. Spock is born into conflict, the child of the Vulcan Ambassador to Earth and his human wife. He doesn’t feel like he belongs anywhere, certainly not on Vulcan where his mixed heritage is treated like a handicap. But his mother encourages him and supports him. One of the best things about Zachary Quinto’s performance as a young Spock is the vulnerability he shows, the subtle just-under-the-surface conflict between his Vulcan and human halves. Speaking of, Kirk is born into conflict as well, literally. Aboard his father’s ship as it’s being attacked by the crazed Romulan commander Nero. George Kirk sacrifices his life for his wife and his child, for his crew. We’re shown little of Kirk’s childhood, but enough to tell us that it wasn’t an easy one. He’s gifted, but rebellious. Talented, but reckless. And when we see him as a young man it’s clear that growing up without his father has made him very different from the Kirk that we’re all used to, but at the same time we can still see confident swagger that Shatner originally brought to the role so many years ago. He carries with him a lot of pain and anger, but he’s still our Kirk.

Once aboard ship the movie really gets moving. The look of the Enterprise is just modernized enough so as not to look silly, but enough of the original style is kept to remind us where we are. Our heroes finally come face to face (or ship to ship) with our antagonist Nero and Pike is taken prisoner. We get a great action scene on the drill, complete with a redshirt death. It’s around this time that the average viewer may be thinking ‘This is fun and all, but there’s no real sense of danger. We know how it all turns out, everybody lives, etc.’ And then Vulcan is destroyed. Spock spells it out for the slow kids in the class. Whatever happened in the original history, it doesn’t apply now. Nero changed all that, it’s a whole new ballgame. This is a brilliant move on the part of the filmmakers I think. Every huge movie like this, whether it’s a remake or an adaptation, always has to face the challenge of making changes to the source to suit the movie or to appeal to non-fans, and yet somehow still try to please the hardcores. Very few are able to accomplish it. But by starting the story over again, and by giving the big fans a legitimate reason for doing so (with references to the original timeline to tie it all together), everybody wins.

So Spock loses his mother and decides to tuck tail and run. Back to Starfleet to regroup what’s left of the fleet. Kirk thinks this is a horrible idea, he thinks that they should go after Nero. The disagreement ends with Spock putting Kirk in an escape pod and leaving him behind on some ice planet. An extreme reaction perhaps, he could have just put him in the brig, but Spock’s not having a good day, he just watched his entire planet get sucked into a black hole. Kirk wakes up, runs from some CGI monsters, and ends up in a cave where he runs into…Spock. Leonard Nimoy, that is. And that’s when he fills us in on the rest of the back story. Future Spock, on a mission to prevent a star from going nova, fails and Romulus is destroyed. Nero blames Spock and attacks him, both get sucked into a black hole and appear at different points in the past. Nero waits 25 years to get his revenge (Romulans age pretty well apparently). And now Vulcan is destroyed and he’s going after Earth next.

Kirk and Future Spock hike to the nearest Starfleet outpost where they meet Scotty, played by Simon Pegg. Kirk and Scotty transwarp-beam back to the Enterprise, Spock beats up Kirk, Kirk takes command, they track down Nero, Kirk and Spock beam over to his ship, Kirk gets beat up again, they rescue Captain Pike, Spock flies Future Spock’s ship into Nero’s ship, blowing up all the red matter and creating a black hole in the middle of the ship, and the Enterprise escapes. Back on Earth Kirk, and the rest of the cadets presumably, graduate and Kirk is promoted directly to Captain and given command of the Enterprise, where he chooses Spock as his First Officer. Pretty cool, huh?

In short, this movie is awesome. From the performances to the special effects, and the rebooting of a classic story and classic characters making them new and fresh to a whole new audience while still keeping their core audience on board. I can’t wait to see what the next movie brings.

My Netflix Rating: Five out of Five Stars

Random Observations:

-Kirk gets beat up a lot in this movie. I think he might have broken Captain Archer’s record for sheer number of ass-kickings in a two hour time period.

-Speaking of Archer, I loved the shout out Scotty gives. Poor Porthos.

-Karl Urban is awesome as Bones. From his first scene on the shuttle to his scene with Spock (Are you out of your Vulcan mind!), he hit it perfectly.

-Simon Pegg is awesome as Scotty. Everything he said made me laugh.

-Was that…Tyler Perry? …the hell?

Possible Sequel Ideas:

“Sulu and Chekov go to White Castle”
Along the way they run into Neil Patrick Harris who’s trying to get to Risa for some alien poon.

“Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Starfleet Academy”
A Tyler Perry Production, directed by and starring Tyler Perry.

“Shaun of the Enterprise”
Klingons invade, boarding the Enterprise where Scotty fights them off with a cricket bat.

Happy Day After the Day After Thanksgiving!

2009-11-28T04:47:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about traditions recently. The good, the bad, and the tradition for the sake of tradition. When I was a kid, Thanksgiving meant the whole extended family would get together at my grandmother's house or my uncle's house. We'd watch football and make small talk with cousins that I got to see only a few times a year. We'd gorge ourselves on turkey and stuffing, then fall asleep on the couch watching more football. Then we'd wake up and have pie. Then we'd wrap up a plate of leftovers with foil and go home and call it a day. But now that I'm an adult, getting the extended family together is much more difficult. I've got a family of my own now, complete with inlaws, and so does my sister. So now we all kind of do our own think and maybe we get together for dessert or something. So some traditions stay, like the turkey and the stuffing, and others go. I would have thought that I would miss those other traditions, but I really don't. It turns out that making new traditions is just as fun.

Case in point. I didn't watch any football on Thanksgiving at all. For a couple reasons. One, my Eagles weren't playing, so I really didn't care about any of the other games. And watching a football game that you don't care about with a room full of uncles and cousins is one thing, watching it alone is boring. Plus, I'm tired of watching the Lions and the Cowboys play every year. That's definitely one tradition that can end. And no, I didn't watch the parade either. I partook in a new holiday tradition. The holiday cable TV marathon.

TVLand had a "Brady Bunch" marathon. A&E had a "First 48" marathon. The Travel Channel had a "_____ Paradise" marathon (Donut Paradise, Deep Fried Paradise, Steak Paradise, etc.) And the one that I settled in with, Discovery Channel had a "Mythbusters" marathon. So I spent my Turkey day watching Adam and Jaime blow shit up. So what did you guys do?

Fairly Topical Movie Review: "Paranormal Activity"

2009-11-16T10:59:00.000-08:00

So every once in a while I do manage to see a newer movie, one that’s still out in theaters. Sometimes it’s even a grown-up movie, as opposed to the ones I take my daughter to see. And while I’m sure that all of the five-year-olds in my reading audience would love to hear my thoughts on “Partly Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”, this week I thought I’d bring you all up to speed on “Paranormal Activity”. As I’m sure you’ve heard, “Paranormal Activity” has become the most profitable movie of all time, since it only cost $11,000 to make. Americans love a success story, almost as much as they like getting scared.

Meet Micah and Katie. Micah is a day trader, and apparently a pretty good one considering the house they live in and their very large television. Katie is a student and has been experiencing paranormal activity since she was young. One of them is an asshole, and the other is an idiot. I’ll let you decide which is which. They decide to setup a camera in their bedroom to catch some of the shenanigans and goings on. Some lights go on and off, some doors move on their own, and that’s what passes for scares in the first half of the movie. During the daylight hours, Micah follows Katie around with the camera and the two argue. And argue. And argue. Oh boy do they argue. This movie is about 90% arguing and around 10% scares. Micah antagonizes the spirit (whatever it is), some weird shit happens, Katie yells at Micah that the camera isn’t helping (though why it was supposed to is never really made clear), escalate and repeat. There are a few genuinely creepy moments and a couple of scares, but most of the movie is spent waiting for something to happen. That’s why I think there are so many audience reaction shots in the trailer. They set up the tension so thick that the audience ends up jumping and screaming to nothing more then loud thumps.

I won’t spoil the ending, but I will say that I think it works. Is it enough of a payoff to justify and hour and a half of watching a couple fight and some doors open, I guess that’s up to you. Here are a few things that I think they could have done to make the movie better:

At the end, the camera turns to reveal Jason Vorhees, who then puts a machete through the two leads’ heads.

When they are running through the first floor of their house at night, chasing phantom noises, Heather Donohue should run through their kitchen and scream JOSH!

Ashton Kutcher shows up at their door and tells them that they’re being punk’d. Then he pulls of his mask to reveal that he’s really M. Night Shyamalan. He says “What a twist!”, and then he puts a machete through the two leads’ heads.

My Netflix Rating: Three out of Five Stars

It Used to be About the Food, MAN!

2009-11-05T04:29:00.000-08:00

Remember when MTV used to be about the music? Yeah, me neither. What about SyFy, remember when they were all about Sci-Fi and spelling things correctly? Crazy, I know. All cable stations seem to start out focused on some niche market, and as soon as they become popular, they completely abandon it. Why? Because popularity means viewers, and viewers mean sponsors, and sponsors mean money, and money means more money and the desire for more money, and that means making sure that the network has the broadest appeal possible. So now we have no music on MTV, wrestling on SyFy, and reality shows EVERYWHERE! So what, you may say. This is hardly new, why talk about it now? Because I’m starting to see the effects of this phenomenon on one of my favorite channels, and once something affects me personally it then becomes important.

I can’t be the only one who watches the Food Network, right? I mean, it’s statistically impossible. The whole point of this trend is that it happens to networks that become too popular. The personalities are so famous now that they’re getting network shows and national endorsement deals. So why does no one else I talk to ever admit to watching it? Why do people think it’s so weird whenever I watch it? Is it some kind of guilty pleasure thing that I’m just too stupid to feel guilty about? My point is, the Food Network used to be about the food (MAAAAAN!!!!). And for the most part, it still is, but I can see the signs. First there was “The Next Food Network Star”, and then there was “Ace of Cakes” and “The Next Iron Chef” and “Dinner Impossible”. They were easy to avoid at first, but they’re multiplying. But I think none of these shows illustrates my point and shows the progression of the trend better than “Food Network Challenge”.

“Food Network Challenge” started its life by televising actual cooking competitions, ones that existed with or without the Food Network. It was interesting for all the reasons that reality TV is supposed to be interesting and yet never is, because it was real. Real real, not ‘Flavor of Love’ real. And then they started making their own challenges, which was fine. Most of these involved chocolate or sugar sculptures. Then they realized that people liked it when the sugar sculptures would break. It was dramatic, it was heart-wrenching, it was other people’s pain on display, which is exactly what reality TV is all about. So they made them carry their pieces to the judging table. And when that didn’t result in enough broken pieces, they made them carry it through an obstacle course. Okay, a little much but I can put up with it. I think the turning point for me was when they started doing the judging American Idol style, in front of the audience and the contestant in question, complete with snarky comments and soul-crushing cruelty.

The last one was a Simpsons cake challenge, for the twentieth anniversary of the show. And for an additional degree of difficulty, each cake artist was paired with a Simpsons super-fan as an assistant, who knew nothing about making cakes (or more accurately, the sculptures that are made out of cake that these shows create). And then they brought in Yeardley Smith, who knows nothing about cakes, to pick the winner. This isn’t even a legitimate competition anymore, it’s just a series of situations that are designed to make people have a nervous breakdown on television for our viewing pleasure.

This may seem like a lot of complaining over nothing, and mostly it is. My point is simply this: Everything does not need to be turned into a reality show! Every menial profession, every vapid celebutant, every has been or Z-list celebrity with nothing going on, and every moron on the street who wants to be famous without having to actually do anything to earn it DOES NOT NEED A TELEVISION SHOW REVOLVING AROUND THEM! We’re becoming a society of voyeurs and exhibitionists, of narcissists indulging in cruelty and classism, worshipping the false idols and equating fame with success instead of any kind of actual achievement. I know it seems harmless, but it’s bad for us, and we all need to stop.

And for all of those people who enjoy these shows ironically, you’re only encouraging them.

Hump Day

2009-11-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

Kari Byron

Opie & Anthony Clip O' The Week

2009-11-03T15:05:00.000-08:00

In this clip the boys suggest alternate plot lines for the Sex and the City movie, to bring the guys on board too. Enjoy.

Halloweenies

2009-11-02T05:05:00.000-08:00

Now that Halloween is over, the following is a list of words that I never want to hear again.

Spooktacular
Shocktober
Fright-Fest
Halloweekend
Scaretastic
Rutabaga

Okay, the last one doesn't have anything to do with Halloween, but I still don't like it. Please comply with this request or I shall be forced to use violence. That is all.

My Top 5 DC Characters That JLU Introduced Me To

2009-10-30T16:26:00.000-07:00

I’ve mentioned before in this blog my secret shame of not being as big a comic book fan as I feel I should be. My main exposure to these characters has always been through TV and movies, as a kid I never actually picked up a comic book. So because of that my knowledge has always only focused on mainstream characters. But in 2005 all of that changed when the cartoon series Justice League became Justice League Unlimited, and a slew of more obscure DC characters joined the roster. I was suddenly introduced to all these characters, some of which I had never even heard of before, and I became intensely interested in more than a few. Thanks to Wikipedia, and a few friends of mine who actually know a thing or two about comic books, I’ve learned more about these characters. But still I yearn to know more. Bring me into your four color world comic book characters, and teach me how to live!

I should also mention that almost all of these characters have made appearances in my fan fiction series “Justice League Xander”, in which I cast Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer into the role of some of DC’s coolest non-powered heroes. I’ll include links for anyone who’s interested.

5. Mr. Terrific

In JLU, Mr. Terrific only appeared a few times, and never in any kind of action capacity. He took over for Martian Manhunter running the Watchtower and coordinating the League’s missions. So what could have possibly attracted me to this character with such little screen time? The name, which sounds ridiculous even by DC Comics standards? Maybe it was the fact that he was billed as the third smartest man in the world.

My research told me that this was actually the second hero to use the name Mr. Terrific, and that he fought crime with tiny floating balls called T-Spheres. The Wikipedia page doesn’t have much I’m afraid, which has only peaked my curiosity. Enough to seek him out in comic book form? No. Enough to fit him into my fanfic? Why yes, how did you know. Mr. T has made an appearance in “An Arrow’s Flight”, my Xander as Speedy story, and I’m currently kicking around an idea for another story with him in a more central role. I guess it’s the idea of a superhero fighting crime with his wits and his intellect that interests me.

4. Shining Knight

The ultimate fish out of water, Shining Knight is a knight from Arthurian legend displaced in the modern age. I guess what drew me to the character was the impossible situation that he’s been placed in, living in a world that he doesn’t understand, and yet he remains true to himself and his values. I remember noticing him on the show around the same time I noticed Vigilante. Seeing the two of them together, the cowboy and the knight, before I knew anything about them, they were like the Justice League’s version of the Village People. All they needed was a construction worker and an Indian chief and they would have been complete. But the friendship of those two characters turned out to be one of the most interesting things about them on the show. Two heroes from different eras, fighting along side the Justice League in the modern world. It was like a nod the DC Comics beginnings, bridging the gap between that and the future.

The nobility of the character made me think that it would be a good fit for Xander, and so I wrote “Shining White Knight”, which saw Xander displaced into the future in the world of Batman Beyond, where he takes up the mantle of Shining Knight.

3. Vigilante

When I was a kid, my dad used to watch a lot of Westerns, and I was always bored by them. I guess I just always associated them with old movies and old fashioned story telling, which didn’t interest me as a child. Then I saw Tombstone, and everything changed. Kurt Russel and Val Kilmer were so badass in that movie, Westerns took on a whole new light for me and the cowboy as hero character became really interesting to me. Especially after I realized that characters like Han Solo, with his low slung blaster holster and his kicky vest, are basically cowboys. They’re rebels and rougues, but there’s a simple morality to them too, a very black and white sense of right and wrong. So when Vigilante showed up on JLU, I took an interest, even before I heard him speak. And when I heard Nathan Fillion doing his voice, the character really fleshed out and became interesting.

His wiki page reveals a very old history, and an interesting one at that. In researching most of these characters I’ve realized what a rich history that DC comics has. When even the minor characters have 60 plus years of continuity, he can be intimidating.

One of the other things that attracted me to the character, and something that I worked into my Xander story, was the fact that we never saw his face. It was the mysterious stranger character that’s so common in Westerns. What is he hiding? What happened in his past that made him who he is and makes him do what he does? These are some of the themes that I borrowed for “My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys”.

2. Green Arrow

I’ve always liked archers, I don’t really know why. I remember the old Iron Man cartoon from the 90’s and really liking Hawkeye. Maybe because it’s just so unconventional, for a modern hero to fight crime with such an old fashioned weapon. There’s a romance to it as well, which I supposed is owed in no small part to Robin Hood, especially in Green Arrow’s case. Of all the characters on this list, he’s probably had the most screen time on JLU. When the League first went unlimited, Batman recognized the danger in creating such a large, powerful organization. Even though they had the best of intentions, there was the possibility that their power could be abused. Green Arrow was specifically recruited to be a voice for the regular guy, and to remind these heroes that their powers did not give them the right to cross the line, no matter what the reason. And in that regard, GA had a very important role on the show; the every man.

Xander is also an every man, which I felt made it a natural progression. In “An Arrow’s Flight”, he becomes Green Arrow’s sidekick because he admires him so much. The fact that a regular guy can work hard and accomplish great things without super powers is a reoccurring theme with most of these characters.

1. The Question

My friend Art (Scarecrows_Brain) and I had a discussion once about Batman. Specifically the idea that Bruce Wayne created the Batman persona to strike fear into criminals. Art contended that if in real life a man were to dress like a bat, criminals wouldn’t be scared of him, they would laugh at him and shoot him in the face (feel free to correct me Art if you feel that I’m misquoting you). This led to the question, which hero’s costume would work to that extent in real life? My answer: The Question. If a man approaches you in a dark alley, dressed in a suit and a long coat, and he doesn’t have a face, I don’t know about you but that would scare the shit out of me. When you can’t read facial expressions, you don’t know if he’s smiling or if he’s about to kill you, it’s unnerving. You can project anything onto that blank face, your worst fears.

On JLU Question (voiced by Jeffrey Combs) was played as a conspiracy nut, someone that the other Leaguers didn’t necessarily take seriously all the time. But in the end, The Question’s theories almost always proved to be true. He knows his stuff and he does his homework. He’s smart, not Albert Einstein smart or even Batman smart necessarily, but smart because he pays attention to everything and he knows how to read people and how to ask the right questions. I always felt like his conspiracy buff reputation spawned from the fact that his mind was sharp enough to make connections that no one else could see, that no one else would even think to consider. And his relationship with Huntress on the show added a vulnerability to the character and a humanity that made him not only interesting, but made you care about him.

The theme of masks is another common element in Xander fic, and one that I used for my stories “No Answers, Just Questions” and its sequel "Choices We Make". I like to think that I did the character justice, at least as far as the JLU version of the character. This is the one character on this list that I am planning on going back and reading the old comics, I’ve become that interested.

Hump Day

2009-10-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

A day late and a hottie short, I know. I've been sidelined by the flu for the last few days, the regular kind not the piggy variety. Regular posting will resume soon. In the mean time, enjoy the following:

Jewel Staite

Hump Day

2009-10-22T16:07:00.001-07:00

Grace Park

Opie & Anthony Clip O' The Week

2009-10-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

Bill Burr and the boys talk about the ShamWow.

Way Too Late Movie Review – "Wanted"

2009-10-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

I have a really bad habit of letting my Netflix movies sit on top of my television for months before I finally get around to watching them. I think it has something to do with having to find a two hour block of time in which I can watch the movie with no distractions, which in this crazy modern workaday world can be hard enough as it is. But when the movie is something that I added to my Netflix queue months prior when the movie was out in theaters, and by the time I receive it I can barely remember why I was interested in it in the first place, it’s also hard to find the desire to set aside that two hours, even when I do have the time. The ironic thing is that when I finally watch the movie, I almost always enjoy it, so you’d think I’d learn from my experience that I’m pretty good at picking movies for myself, being that I am myself. The side effect of this process is that by the time I’ve seen a movie, it’s too late to be able to talk to anyone about it. So I’ve decided that this forum is the perfect place to share my thoughts about these movies, that you’ve either already seen eons ago, or had no desire to see and are thus not interested in the least. And with that rousing introduction, onto my first review.

Wanted

I remember thinking when I added this to my queue that this looked like a fun shoot ‘em up, and Angelina Jolie looked pretty hot, and on those two fronts this movie certainly did not disappoint. What I didn’t expect, and was pleasantly surprised by, was the main character’s story arc. In the vain of movies like "The Matrix" or "Harry Potter", "Wanted" is a movie about an ordinary man who learns that he has extraordinary abilities, and that he is destined to lead another life, a more meaningful and exciting life. It’s the old adolescent fantasy that you’re destined for more than this one horse town, and someday your real parents, James Bond and Lara Croft, will swoop in and take you away from all of this. Sure, it’s a little immature, but it’s good to indulge your inner child once in a while. After all, isn’t indulging in fantasy what movies are really about.

Wesley Gibson is in ordinary man, so ordinary in fact that he can’t bring himself to care about anything in his life. His job is awful, his boss is an evil shrew who constantly berates and belittles him, his girlfriend is an emasculating bitch who is boning his best friend, and his best friend is a posturing macho asshole. So when he’s kidnapped by Angelina Jolie and led through an elaborate gun fight and car chase which ends in the revelation that his father was an assassin and that he shares the same preternatural gift for adrenaline fueled gun violence, he first can’t believe it. But when he tries to go back to his normal life, he finally snaps. He tells off his boss so perfectly, that the humiliation renders her nearly catatonic. He cracks his best friend in the face with his keyboard, knocking out a tooth and spelling ‘Fuck You’ in midair with the broken keys. This scene alone makes this movie worth it for me. Maybe I’m projecting my own dark, twisted, work-related stress fueled fantasy onto this, but I’m okay with that.

While Wesley trains he learns about the Fraternity, a group of assassins that have existed for a thousand years and who receive their orders from a loom. They are weapons of fate, killing to make the world a better place. They train Wesley because they believe that he is the only one who can kill his father’s killer, a former member of the Fraternity who has left and is now seeking to destroy the group. But once Wesley is finally ready and goes after the man, the movie takes a twist.

(Spoilers ahead. Honestly though, if you haven’t seen the movie by now you’re probably not going to.)

The man that Wesley has been sent to kill is actually his father. He left the Fraternity when he learned that the boss, Morgan Freeman, was no longer taking the targets from the magic loom, but picking them himself for profit. Yes, the shocking twist is that this group of professional killers are actually the bad guys. Whoda thunk, right? Wesley decides to go after the Fraternity, sending a horde of exploding rats into the building. The rats explode, but do surprising little damage. Wesley then spends the next ten minutes killing everyone in sight on his way up to get Morgan Freeman. He’s cornered in the end, so he tells all of the assassins the truth about their boss, that he’s been making up the target list. Morgan Freeman admits it, and tells the assassins that all of their names have come up on the loom, so if they want fate in charge then they should all kill themselves. Angelina Jolie, the good assassin, saves Wesley by curving a bullet all the way around the room, killing all of the assassins, including herself. It’s a good thing they were all standing in a perfect circle. Which is kind of dumb when you think about it, if they had opened fire on Wesley they all would have been killed in the crossfire. Wesley does win in the end when he manages to kill Morgan Freeman with a sniper shot from about ten miles away that actually travels through the hole in a doughnut at one point. But hey, I’m not going to start attacking a movie that bends bullets for realism. I might as well start attacking "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" on the grounds that Chinese people can’t fly (or can they?).

So what’s the lesson of this movie? If you life sucks, you need to take matters into your own hands to fix it. Take responsibility for figuring out who you really are instead of just trudging through existence on auto-pilot, waiting for something to happen. Maybe the lesson is that morality is in the eye of the beholder. Or that fate is just an excuse to absolve you of personal responsibility. We all make our own fate. Or maybe, just maybe, the lesson is that gun fights are cool and Angelina Jolie is hot and you get to see her ass. Honestly, what more do you want out of a movie?

My Netflix Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Hump Day

2009-10-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

Morgan Webb

My Top 8 Most Rewatchable Movies

2009-10-09T11:52:00.000-07:00

Imagine if you will the following scenario. It’s Saturday afternoon, you’re bored and you’re flicking through the channels trying to find something to watch when you come across a movie starting. And suddenly you know exactly what you’re going to be doing for the next two hours. One of those movies, that no matter how many times you’ve seen it, you can still watch it and enjoy every minute of it. One of those movies that even though you own it on DVD, you’ll watch it on basic cable with all the curses bleeped out and commercials. Why do we do that? Are we just too lazy to get up off the couch and put the DVD in? I think that with the way that TV is evolving, with DVR’s and websites like Hulu and Netflix that let you watch stuff on your computer, watching TV has become such a personal experience, always on our own terms. And while the idea of watching something on a network’s schedule instead of our own is becoming obsolete, there’s also some nostalgia left in it. Even though you might be by yourself, you know that you’re sharing this moment with countless other viewers all over the country, and there’s comfort in that. It makes it more of a communal experience.

Speaking of, if there’s one theme that bridges all of these movies, I think it’s nostalgia. There are plenty of movies that I’ve seen and loved, and yet have no desire to ever see again. So rewatchability (yes, I made that word up) isn’t solely related to quality, it’s more about how the movies makes you feel, and wanting to recreate that feeling again and again.

8. The Green Mile

I could probably do a whole list of just my favorite Stephen King movies and not have any problem filling it out. I distinctly remember seeing Green Mile in the theater, and despite it’s length, I never felt antsy or eager for it to end. The pacing may be a bit slow, but it’s perfect for setting up the characters and their relationships with each other, and so it never really feels slow. Despite the supernatural elements, and the fact that one of the main characters is a mouse, it’s a very human story. John Coffey, through his abilities, experiences the worst aspects of the human condition. Pain, suffering, hatred, ignorance, and evil. What I said before about wanting to recreate a feeling, I don’t believe that that has to strictly apply to only happy feelings. Sometimes sadness and tragedy has a way of making you feel empathy for your fellow man, making you feel like a part of the human experience, and that can be just as cathartic.

The Rewatchability Factor: The characters. If you don’t develop an emotional investment in these characters, then it doesn’t work. Tom Hanks especially is good at making you care about his character in every movie that he’s in. In Green Mile, it’s the characters that make the story work. And it’s the characters that keep me interested in this movie time and time again.

7. Highlander

Some movies become so emblematic of the time that they’re made, that they can’t help but feel dated when you watch them. You’d think that this would make the movie less rewatchable, but for me, for some movies at least, it’s the exact opposite. Every time you watch the movie, you’re reminded of when you first saw it. The person you were then, your experience when you first saw the movie, and rewatching that movie becomes pure nostalgia. Of course, the movie has to be good too. The first Highlander movie is very 80’s, from the clothes and the hair to the music and the over-the-top feeling throughout the film. The villain, the fight scenes and the flashbacks are all larger than life. It’s epic in its span, but it still manages to make us care about the main character (I’m sensing a theme here). So many great moments; Heather’s death, Ramirez’s death, Connor being ousted by his clan, his training with Ramirez. They make you feel for Connor, make you care about what happens to him.

The Rewatchability Factor: The mood. The music of Queen especially helps to establish the mood of the movie so well, creating so many memorable moments. Rewatching this movie becomes akin to listening to a favorite album from beginning to end.

6. Shawshank Redemption

This one must be on a lot of people’s rewatchable list, because it’s on TNT every other weekend. It’s one of those movies that you can catch at any point in the movie and still enjoy watching it. In fact, I’ve probably only ever seen the beginning of the movie once or twice, but I’ve seen the middle and the end dozens of times. The second Stephen King movie on the list, and another that isn’t a horror movie. Horror movies don’t have much rewatchability for me. I was never into the slasher movies, like Freddy or Jason, and I never got into the new torture porn genre, like Saw or Hostel. I was always more attracted to thrillers, and the experience of seeing the movie for the first time, not knowing what’s coming, is what makes them thrilling. Recreating that experience with the same movie is almost impossible. The exception to the rule would have to be IT, but again that one is all about the characters and the nostalgia for me and not necessarily the scares.

As for Shawshank, I guess what attracts me to the movie so much is the character of Andy Dufresne. I’ve always loved characters who aren’t just smart, they’re prepared. Always on the ball and ready for any situation, always thinking ten steps ahead with a plan for every contingency. Batman, Gil Grissom, or Robert Goren from Law & Order: CI. Andy is a smart man, brilliant even, and he’s trapped in the ultimate position of powerlessness. He’s used, abused, and beaten down to the point where any other man would have broken. And in the end, as we’re led to believe that his spirit has finally been crushed and that the only way out he has left is suicide, Andy proves everybody wrong. We learn that Andy had been putting his escape plan into motion practically since arriving at Shawshank, every detail meticulously worked out. Sure, there were moments in the movie when Andy’s spirit was broken, but he never gave up hope. As he tells Red in his letter, ‘Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things.’ And in the end, Andy’s hope is rewarded.

The Rewatchability Factor: The revenge fantasy. It literally takes the entire third act of the movie to explain Andy’s entire plan, that’s how elaborate it was. His revenge on the warden is so devastating that the man commits suicide. And at the end, Andy and Red live happily ever after on a beach in Mexico somewhere. There is no more perfect revenge fantasy, and I think everyone can relate to that. The movie actually becomes more satisfying when it’s rewatched and you know the ending.

5. The Usual Suspects

Speaking of characters who are always on the ball and thinking ten steps ahead, no one better fits that description than Keyser Soze. Of course, the payoff for that doesn’t come until the end of the movie. The primary attraction for this movie is the story. Everyone (every guy anyway) loves a heist. Maybe it’s the action or the anti-authority angle, or maybe it’s just the idea of becoming insanely rich for a single night’s work, Hollywood loves to romanticize thievery. This movie contains three or four heists (depending on your definition). And on top of that, it’s an intricately woven story, with twists and turns and secret clues, all of which only get better with multiple viewings.

The Rewatchability Factor: The dialogue. From the opening scene at the lineup (“Hand me the keys you motherfuckin’ cocksucker motherfucker, AGGHH!!”) where the actors’ actual laughter made it into the movie, all the way through to the end, the dialogue is so expertly crafted that it’s almost poetry.

4. Batman

This was the first big budget superhero blockbuster movie that I remember seeing, and it changed my life. It was dark, and gritty, and violent, and oh so Tim Burton, and it showed everyone what a comic book movie could be. This movie took the campy Adam West Batman and killed it once and for all. It showed Batman as a dark and brooding conflicted soul, and the Joker as an insane homicidal psychopath. And more importantly, it inspired Batman the Animated Series, which started the DC Animated Universe, which has provided me with hundreds of hours of entertainment over the years.

The Rewatchability Factor: Nostalgia. I’ve seen this movie so many times that I can practically recite it. Watching it now reminds me of what it was like to see it as a kid, and how awesome it was then. I still think it holds up pretty well, and I’ve even shown it to my daughter (who loves Batman) and can enjoy it now on a whole new level as I watch her fall in love with it.

3. The Crow

Visually stunning, The Crow took what Batman did and turned it up to eleven. It’s a dark and brooding revenge fantasy run wild. A heavily stylized, moody piece of cinema that does everything right. A spirit of vengeance resurrects Eric Draven, who then embarks on a quest for revenge against the men who killed his fiancé. The star, Brandon Lee, was killed on the set when he was accidentally shot with a gun that was supposed to have contained blanks. Lee was himself engaged to be married at the time. The Crow has become a fitting swansong for the man whose life and career were tragically cut short.

The Rewatchability Factor: The visual style. So much attention was paid in this movie to lighting and color, to costumes and sets, to imagery and symbolism that every frame of it is a work of art. The movie is practically in black and white (and red), there’s absolutely no blue or green in it at all. It’s the precursor to movies like Sin City and 300, which lift their visual look directly from the comic source material.

2. Spaceballs

Surprisingly, the only comedy on my list. You’d think that of all genres, comedy would be the most rewatchable. Oddly enough, as much of a fan of standup comedy as I am, there aren’t that many comedy movies that I enjoy (and I’ve entirely given up on sitcoms). Mel Brooks however is still a hero of mine, and this movie is mostly why. I guess there’s a heavy nostalgia factor here too. If I look at the movie objectively I can see how a lot of the jokes haven’t aged well, but I just love the movie so much that I forgive it of those sins (kind of like a few members of my family). It’s also possibly the most quotable movie of all time, which for a geek like me is essential. After all, what’s the point of loving a movie if you can’t annoy everyone you know by quoting it to death?

The Rewatchability Factor: The gags. And maybe some nostalgia too, I’ll admit, but ultimately I still think the movie is funny. It’s Mel Brooks making fun of Star Wars, how could it not be funny. Of course, the animated series later showed us exactly how, but I don’t let that spoil the source material for me.

1. Apollo 13

What can I say, I’ve always been a sucker for the space program. You can give me the driest documentary ever, featuring only two men talking in an empty room about the Apollo missions, and I’m there. This movie of course focuses on one of the most dramatic moments in the history of the space program, the Apollo 13 disaster. And it does it so well. Visually it’s awesome, with some of the best effects for it’s time. The human drama of the story is appealing, giving us an insight into the lives of these men who risked so much to fulfill a dream and to better mankind. Tom Hanks once again lends his likeability to the role, making us care about his character. The drama here plays so well that at the end of the movie when they’re waiting to reestablish contact with the command module as they’re making their entry, even though I know what’s going to happen, I’m on the edge of my seat every time.

The Rewatchability Factor: The Space Program. It appeals to the science fiction lover in me as well as the history lover. All the drama and excitement of science fiction, with the added benefit of having actually happened. Maybe that’s the real appeal, that it’s a true story. That these men really lived through this, and that when they came home they just kind of went on with their lives. It’s human drama, ambition and ingenuity at its best.

So what do you think, Sirs? What are your most rewatchable movies?

Hump Day

2009-10-07T15:05:00.000-07:00

Hayden Panettiere

Opie & Anthony Clip O' The Week

2009-10-06T15:25:00.000-07:00

This week I bring you a clip featuring friend of the show, comedian Patrice O'Neal, and his story about his encounter with the Creepy Cold Guy.

Top 5 Transporter Accidents

2009-10-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

Aside from the holodeck, the one other piece of equipment in Star Trek that has caused the most problems has been the transporter. The concept of the transporter was created by Gene Roddenberry for the original series as a cheat. The show didn’t have the budget to shoot a shuttle landing on a planet every week, so he came up with the transporter. And almost immediately the problem seemed to be that it was too perfect a device. Nearly every problem could be solved by it, and so they had to limit its functionality. It only had a short range, it didn’t work through shields, and a hundred other things that kept the episodes from being only five minutes long. And then someone finally said “Hey, this think scrambles your atoms and airmails them down to a planet where it puts you back together again like a jigsaw puzzle, right? What would happen if something went wrong?” Badness, that’s what happens. But for the purposes of this list, I’ll stick to the more interesting and less fatal incidents.

5. “Realm of Fear” (TNG)

Most of us like to imagine that if we lived in the Star Trek universe we would be as suave as Riker, as smart as Data, and as well respected as Picard. But the fact is, we’re all Barclay and we know it. Lt. Reginald Barclay is the socially maladjusted everyman character that the viewers can identify with. He’s the only character on the show to ever use the holodeck for the same thing that all of us would if given the chance, scoring with Deanna Troi. Who can’t relate to that?

In this episode, the Enterprise responds to a distress call and beams aboard the USS Yosemite, whose crew appears to be missing. We learn that among the rest of his psychological problems, Barclay is also afraid of the transporter. He eventually manages to beam over and then back, but while he’s in the transporter beam he sees what looks like a large worm, floating inside the beam with him. And just before he materializes, the worm bites him on the arm. Just when it seems like Barclay has ingested more than his daily requirement of vitamin LSD, he starts to show other symptoms and diagnoses himself as having transporter psychosis, a debilitating disease that has no cure. But just when we think that we can also add hypochondriac to Barclay’s list of mental problems, it turns out that there really is something wrong with him. They discover some weird microbes on the Yosemite, and then they discover the same microbes in Barclay, and the only way to get them out is using the transporter. Barclay has to face his fear. While in the transporter, he sees the worms again, and for no discernable reason he decides to grab one. When he rematerializes, one of the crewmembers from the Yosemite materializes with him. Apparently the crew of the Yosemite became infected with the same microbes and tried to use the transporter on their ship to get them out, but somehow became trapped in the transporter.

So, if they were trapped in the transporter on the Yosemite, how did they get into the Enterprise’s transporter? And why did they turn into worms? And why did they bite Barclay? And what about Scarecrow’s Brain? Are you beginning to see the kinds of problems that can arise when you routinely disassemble your atoms and broadcast them across outer space? Why was this a good idea again?

4. “Rascals” (TNG)

It’s Jim Henson’s Next Gen Babies! Returning from an away mission, a transporter accident turns Picard, Ensign Ro, Guinan, and Keiko O’Brien into twelve-year-olds (just their bodies that is, their minds remain the same). And just when you think that that’s too outrageous to be believed, the ship is hijacked by Ferengi pirates. The adults turned kids manage to save the day ala “Home Alone” through trickery and their kidly wiles, and in the end Dr. Crusher manages to reverse the process. Unfortunately though, not before a misunderstanding landed Chief O’Brien on the Federation’s sex offender registry. Because of the error he was later forced to transfer to a broken down old Cardassian space station at the ass end of the galaxy.

My question is that once they discovered that the transporter could do this, why did they never do it again? Shouldn’t everyone in the Federation be Immortal right now? This is the fountain of youth here, and yet we never hear about it again. Shouldn’t we be seeing starships staffed with twelve-year-olds, like some sort of bad Stephen Ratliff fic gone amuck?

3. “Second Chances” (TNG)

So in addition to being the fountain of youth, the transporter can also be a cloning machine. In this episode the Enterprise ventures to a planet where some kind of space thing means that they can only use the transporters every eight years. The last time a Federation ship was there was eight years prior, when Riker was part of the evacuation crew and barely got out. So when they beam down imagine their chagrin when they meet Riker’s double, who never got out and has been living on this abandoned base all by himself for the last eight years. They eventually figure out that it was a transporter accident, and that this double is every bit as much Will Riker as our Will Riker is. Except of course he’s been living the last eight years like Robinson Crusoe in space, he has a problem with authority, and he’s still carrying a torch for Troi. Lieutenant Riker however ends up making the same choice that Commander Riker did, choosing his career or his relationship with Deanna, and takes a post on another starship. He changes his name to Thomas, and later he shaves his beard into a goatee, joins the Maquis and steals the Defiant. Talk about overcompensating for a more successful sibling. Maybe he should have changed his name to Garth Knight.

o/'...They're cousins, identical cousins...o/'

This accident more than any other reveals the horrible truth about the transporter. It doesn’t actually transport you, it’s more like a fax machine. It sends your information to another transporter, which creates a copy. The original, meaning you, is then destroyed. So essentially every time you step into the transporter, it’s killing you and creating a clone. Damn, no wonder Barclay (not to mention Doctors McCoy and Pulaski) hate the damn thing so much. I’m beginning to see their point.

2. “Tuvix” (VOY)

This is the exact opposite of what happened to Riker in “Second Chances”. Instead of taking one person and splitting them into two, in this episode the transporter took two people and combined them into one. Apparently it’s just really bad at math. It happened like this; Neelix and Tuvok were on some planet picking flowers (honest) and when they beamed up, only one person materialized. He called himself Tuvix, and he seemed to combine the best qualities of both men. He made a good tactical officer, a good cook, he didn’t have a stick up his ass, and he was only half as annoying as Neelix. The crew warmed up to him pretty quickly, with the exception of Kes who was a little disturbed by watching the mashed together corpses of her boyfriend and mentor walking through the corridors of the ship. The Doctor finally figured out how to separate them, much to Tuvix’s dismay. I guess he wasn’t too keen on being murdered, but they went ahead and did it anyway. Afterwards Neelix and Tuvok both agreed to never talk about the time that they were ‘inside each other’.

1. “Mirror, Mirror” (TOS)

The granddaddy of all transporter accidents, the model to which all other transporter accidents are compared, occurred during possibly the most famous episode of the original series. During a transporter accident, Kirk, Scotty, McCoy and Uhura are beamed aboard an Enterprise in an alternate universe. In this mirror-universe, the Federation has been replaced by the Terran Empire, a brutal totalitarian state. Where they take what they want, destroying any planet that gets in their way, and murdering your superior is the typical mode of advancement. They did make the female crewmembers wear two piece uniforms though, so I guess no universe is all bad. The mirror-universe would later be used in several episodes on Deep Space Nine, where all the female characters made out with each other, and one episode of Enterprise, where Hoshi became empress of the empire. For obvious reasons, these episodes were among the best of both shows.

This episode is also famous for creating the cliché of all evil twins having a goatee, since the mirror-universe Spock had one. Having a goatee myself, I personally find this stereotype to be very offensive. Just because I have a goatee, it doesn’t make me evil. There are so many other valid qualities that I have that make me evil, judge me by those. That’s all I ask.

Goatee = Evil

Honorable Mention: “Relics” (TNG)

This isn’t technically a transporter accident, since it was done on purpose, however it’s pretty cool so I think it bears including. The Enterprise receives a distress call from a transport ship that has been missing for seventy-five years, the USS Jenolan. When they follow the signal they discover a giant sphere, 200 million kilometers in diameter.

“That’s not a moon. Holy shit, it’s the fucking Deathstar!”

No, it’s not the Deathstar, it’s a Dysonsphere. It’s a sphere built to enclose a star, and the Jenolan is crashed on the surface of it. When they beam aboard they find the transporter jerry-rigged to run in a continuous cycle without rematerializing, and there’s still a pattern in the buffer. When the run the materialization routine, guess who it is. Scotty, that’s right! I guess that picture up there is a dead giveaway. Scotty then goes through a little culture shock about the Enterprise-D. He annoys LaForge so much that he kicks him out of Engineering. Then he goes to the holodeck to sit on the bridge of his old ship and get drunk on Ecto-Cooler. In the end, the Enterprise gets pulled into the Dysonsphere and Scotty and LaForge save the day by using the Jenolan to hold the hatch open like a doorstop long enough for the Enterprise to squeeze through. Scotty and LaForge patch up their differences, and Picard decides to give Scotty one of their shuttlecraft to replace the destroyed Jenolan. Which is a bit like giving a retired Army general a tank as a gift, but whatever. Troi also gives Scotty a kiss goodbye, which is odd considering that she had absolutely no interaction with him in the episode at all.

Additional

To review, the transporter can also function as a stasis device, a cloning machine, the fountain of youth, a gateway into other dimensions, and Jeff Goldblum’s pod from The Fly. You know what, I think I’ll just take the bus.

Hump Day

2009-09-30T13:56:00.001-07:00

Gigi Edgley

Opie & Anthony Clip O' the Week

2009-09-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

In an effort to share with the readers of this blog (both of you) some of my other interests in the world of entertainment, I've decided to introduce you to my favorite radio show, Opie and Anthony. But rather than drone on and one about who they are and why they're funny and list all of the radio stations that they've been kicked off of before finally landing in satellite radio, I'll just get right to the meat of it by sharing some of my favorite clips courtesy of YouTube. Then you can decide for yourself how funny they are.

For our first selection, here is the show's third mic, comedian Jim Norton with one of his most popular characters, Ted.

Top 5 Holodeck Programs

2009-09-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

Ask any Star Trek fan what piece of technology from the show would they most like to own, and you may get a few different answers. Warp drive, transporters, maybe phasers. Those people are all lying. They’re trying to impress you with their altruism by wishing for technology that can better mankind. There’s only one truthful answer to that question, the holodeck. But we don’t want to say that because we don’t want to sound like creepy introverts who want to disappear into our own little fantasy world. The ironic thing is that as Star Trek fans, that’s what everyone else thinks we are anyway. So what the hell, let’s be honest. We all want a holodeck.

The way I see it, if the holodeck were introduced today, it would be a lot like the Internet. A small segment of our population would disappear into it and never return. Escaping from reality will always be attractive, whether it’s through TV and movies or drugs and alcohol. And new, attractive ways to make that escape are always going to swallow up a few mouth-breathers, and we have to accept that. We can’t ban everything that’s fun just because a few people don’t have the self-control to handle it. But just like with the Internet, society will adjust to the new technology and we’ll find equilibrium again. Well, most of us will.

Star Trek has shown us many uses for the holodeck. Training simulations, exotic environments, sports, games, entertainment, and of course Quark’s main stock and trade, sex. But of course, like all technology, it isn’t perfect. At least a couple of times per season the holodeck would try to kill everyone inside of it, and sometimes outside of it, because of some kind of malfunction. It’s a wonder they let the things run at all. But I guess when you’re in deep space, and there isn’t a whole lot to do, risking your life for a cheap thrill sounds like a fair trade.

Here are a few of the more memorable programs that I wouldn’t mind giving a try. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it PG for the kids.

5. Captain Proton

For the most part, the holodeck programs that we saw on Voyager were pretty lame. In order to conserve power, they used a lot of communal programs that many people could enjoy at once. Sandrine’s pool hall, Neelix’s resort program, Paris even created a program of a movie theater once. Watching a movie in the holodeck is kind of like playing checkers on your X-Box 360, it’s tremendously stupid. But by far, Fair Haven was the stupid straw that broke the stupid camel’s stupid back. For those of you who don’t know, Fair Haven was a simulation of a 19th Century Irish village. That’s it. The most modern of 24th Century technologies, with the ability to simulate anything, anything at all, and the most entertaining thing that they could come up with was drunken Irish pig farmers playing darts in a pub? Seriously? I can pull random words out of my ass and come up with a better idea than that. How about ‘Monster Truck Dinosaur Party Island’? There, I just made that up and that would have been a thousand times more entertaining than Fair Haven. But I digress. My purpose here is to talk about good programs, not bad.

By season five of Voyager, Tom Paris’ obsession with all things 20th Century led him to a holonovel called “The Adventures of Captain Proton.” The program appeared to be based on the science fiction movie serials from the 40’s and 50’s, like Captain Video or Commando Cody. He had a rocket ship, a jet pack, and a ray gun. His sidekick’s name was Buster, his girl’s name was Constance Goodheart, and the villain’s name was Dr. Chaotica. That should pretty much tell you everything you need to know. It was over-the-top, cheesy, campy fun.

The Inevitable Moment of Disaster: “Bride of Chaotica!” (VOY). A pair of photonic lifeforms, trying to make contact with Voyager, transported aboard the holodeck while the Captian Proton program was running, and thought it was real. They were attacked by Dr. Chaotica, and in order to save them, Janeway had to pretend to be the queen of the spider people and the Doctor had to pretend to be the president of Earth. I wish to God that I was making this up.

President of Earth. No shit.

4. Vic Fontaine

Over the course of the three Trek series that featured holodecks, we’ve met a few self-aware holograms. But none were as cool as Vic Fontaine. Played by James Darren, Vic was a nightclub owner and lounge singer in 1960’s Las Vegas. He was introduced to the crew of DS9 when his program was given to Dr. Bashir as a gift by his friend Felix. Because of the advanced nature of his program and his ability to read people, Vic became a friend and confidant to many of the crew. He was a cross between a counselor, a bartender and a guardian angel. He gave Odo love advice and helped him win over Kira. He befriended Nog after he lost his leg in the Dominion war, and encouraged him to move on with his life. After that incident, Nog arranged for Vic’s program to run 26 hours a day (the station ran on a 26 hour Bajoran day) and Vic was given the chance to live an almost normal life.

The Inevitable Moment of Disaster: “Badda-Bing, Badda-Bang” (DS9). A jack-in-the-box subroutine of Vic’s program becomes activated, causing a new character to be created for a program. Frankie Eyes, an old rival of Vic’s comes in and buys the hotel and casino out from under him, leaving Vic without a job. The jack-in-the-box can’t be removed without damaging Vic’s program and wiping his memory, so the crew decides that an old-fashioned heist is in order to bankrupt the casino and leave Frankie Eyes at the mercy of his mafia connections. Basically just picture Ocean’s Eleven, if it took place on a space station. In the end the good guys win, and Vic and Captain Sisko perform a duet of “The Best is Yet to Come”.

3. Dixon Hill

Our very first introduction to the holodeck is during season one of TNG, when Picard discovers a holonovel of his favorite private detective, Dixon Hill. He gets so excited that he calls a senior staff meeting. Let’s think about this for a moment. This is kind of like the captain of an aircraft carrier calling a meeting because he found a waterslide on the lower decks of his ship, and it’s, like, really fun!

Our introduction to the holodeck also became our introduction to the holonovel. Just imagine if every book you ever read became a movie, and you were the star. That’s what a holonovel is like. In short, it’s the coolest idea ever. My only question is this; what happens if you don’t follow the events of the story? What would happen if Dixon Hill just whipped out his tommy gun and started shooting motherfuckers just for shiggles?

“I ordered dressing on the side, ON THE SIDE MOTHERFUCKER! DIE!!!”

Sure, it would be fun. But it would make for a short novel.

The Inevitable Moment of Disaster: “The Big Goodbye” (TNG). The very first holodeck episode was also the very first the-holodeck-is-trying-to-kill-us episode. When Picard decides to go back into the Dixon Hill program, he invites Dr. Crusher, Data, and some guy we’ve never seen before to come along. I think we can all see where this is going. The holodeck malfunctions, trapping them all inside and disabling the safeties, and the guy we’ve never seen before gets shot. In the end they manage to get out and get their man to sickbay, and presumably he survives. Picard gets to the bridge and saves the day, and for safety reasons they shut down the holodeck and never use it again. Oh, wait, no they don’t. They actually continue to use it quite a lot and it continues to try to kill them quite a lot. I guess they’re just gluttons for punishment.

2. Sherlock Holmes

Probably the greatest thing about the holodeck is that when you step inside, you can be anybody. You can become a great hero or go on grand adventures, every fantasy can come true. In the case of our favorite socially awkward android, you can become the world’s greatest detective. No, not Batman, the other one, Sherlock Holmes. Data’s interest in Holmes is no doubt related to his interest in becoming more human. Holmes posses a tremendous analytical mind, much like Data, but Holmes is also undeniably human, with human frailties and desires. So it makes sense that Data would want to emulate him. Or maybe he just liked that hat, I don’t know.

The Inevitable Moment of Disaster: “Elementary, Dear Data” (TNG). Data and LaForge go to play Holmes and Watson on the holodeck and Geordi gets upset when Data solves the mystery after only a few minutes. So in an effort to create a scenario that will pose a challenge to Data, Geordi asks the holodeck to create an adversary capable of defeating Data. The computer then makes Moriarty self-aware and gives him access to the ship’s systems. Let me go over that again. The holodeck ACCIDENTLY CREATED A SENTIENT LIFEFORM! This would be like if you tried to send an email on your computer, and instead Windows created a small troll, which then crawled out through the disk drive and tried to eat you. Something tells me that there would be a very angry letter to Bill Gates in your future, not to mention the fact that when you finished beating the crap out of your computer with a sledge hammer, you’d set it on fire. Not only isn’t there a major investigation into how the Enterprise’s computer accidentally CREATED LIFE, but they continue to use the holodecks. Now they’re just fucking asking for it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cybiKeu-sow

1. Julian Bashir: Secret Agent

Honestly, this had to be the first holodeck program created ever. Something tells me that five seconds after the first holodeck was invented, the first engineer turned to the second and said ‘So, what do you want to do with this?’ and his answer was ‘Be James Bond!’ The action, the glamour, the gadgets, the women, James Bond is designed to be the ultimate male fantasy. So when Julian gets a new secret agent holosuite program, is it any wonder that he seems to spend almost all of his off hours running it, much to his friend Garak’s curiosity. And of course, being the killjoy that he is, Garak has to immediately point out that real spies don’t operate that way, but who cares! God Garak, who the fuck invited you anyway?

The Inevitable Moment of Disaster: “Our Man Bashir” (DS9). A transporter accident (I think I’m going to have to do an entry on those as well) causes DS9’s computer to have to store the patterns of Sisko, Dax, Kira and O’Brien. So the computer decides to store them in the holosuite, inserting them as characters in the secret agent program that Bashir and Garak are running. All the usual parameters for a holodeck disaster are in place, they can’t shut the program off, they can’t leave, the safeties don’t work, and they can’t harm the holodeck characters without harming their friends. They have to play out the program and let it end on its own. Julian eventually figures out that the easiest way to do that is to lose.

Honorable Mention: “A Fistful of Datas” (TNG)

This one wasn’t a reoccurring program on the show, but I think it bears mentioning just for the ‘holy shit’ malfunction. Worf, Alexander and Troi are playing Old West on the holodeck while Data and LaForge are monkeying with the ship’s computer, hooking it up to Data’s brain for some reason. The result is (surprise!) a malfunction, in which Data’s brain starts infecting other ship’s systems, including the holodeck. The various holodeck characters start getting replaced with simulations of Data, the safeties get disabled, they can’t end the program, same old song, different tune. Worf manages to defeat the android gunslinger and end the program just after an oddly homoerotic moment featuring Data as the female saloon keeper who’s sweet on Worf, but that’s not even the best part. At the end, Alexander feels upset because he knows that Worf probably won’t want to play the program again (You think?!), but Worf surprises him (and us) by saying that he would. This would be like a father taking his son on a roller coaster, which then catches on fire and flies off the track, nearly killing everybody, and the son says ‘Oh, I guess we can’t go again’ and the father says ‘Ah hell, why not!’ WHAT?! We’ve reached the point now where holodeck malfunctions are so commonplace that the characters don’t even blink, and think nothing of scheduling some more time right after the thing ALMOST KILLS THEIR KID!

Say what you want about Windows, when my computer bluescreens, at least nobody dies.

Fanfic Pick O' the Week

2009-09-25T05:24:00.000-07:00

This week I’m going old school. Before my current fanfic obsession with Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer developed, my character of choice was Harry Kim from Star Trek Voyager. The two characters have several things in common I think, things that probably say a lot about me psychologically for being so drawn to them, but let’s leave that for another post. As I’ve stated before, I was a Kim/Torres shipper, but I was also a fan of Kim/Seven as well. K/7 was certainly more popular, and therefore the fanfic was much more abundant. Something about the relationship just worked well, their personalities were very complimentary. Where Seven could be cold and seemingly unemotional, Harry wore his heart on his sleeve. He was a fresh out of the Academy, wet behind the ears young officer when Voyager first became stranded in the Delta Quadrant, and through seven years of adventures and hardships he became an integral part of the crew. And yet he never became jaded or bitter by what he experienced, he never lost his wonder for space travel or his sense of adventure. If Seven truly wanted to learn to be more human, there was no one better to show her what that meant. Their relationship never moved beyond friendship on the show, but the foundation for more was easy to see. And so here we have a story that I think exemplifies what that relationship could have been.

I Only Have Eyes For You
By Michael Ben-Zvi (http://mbenzvi.com/fanfiction.htm)
http://www.mbenzvi.com/k7saga/iohefy.pdf
Fandom: Star Trek Voyager
Pairing: Kim/Seven
Genre: Romance, Angst
Summary: Seven decides that she needs to explore an area of her humanity that she finds sorely lacking, her sexuality. She approaches Harry, who is at first offended, but then decides that her request must be her way of telling him that she has feelings for him. Harry shows her the time of her life and shows her that sex is about more than just biology. But can Seven understand her own feelings well enough to reciprocate?

If there’s one thing that will make a fanfic author put pen to paper, it’s when they feel like their favorite character isn’t being given a fair shake on the show, that they aren’t being respected or treated right by the writers. This was a common theme for stories that featured Harry. On the show they played the inexperienced ensign card far too often, especially in the later seasons, and they gave him disastrous luck with women. And that was when they remembered that he was even there. So when Seven came along and Harry showed an interest in her, the fans jumped on it.

This story does an excellent job in showing Harry’s vulnerability. He’s the archetypical good guy getting stepped on. His feelings for Seven are mocked and ridiculed by his friends who either believe that Seven is little more than an automaton, incapable of feeling, or that she’s just way out of his league. He sees Seven’s humanity, buried deeply under the cold façade that she shows the world, and he wants to nurture it. So when Seven approaches him for an interstellar booty call, he’s hurt. He feels like all of his efforts to befriend her were for nothing, all she wants from him is to use him to suit her own needs. But when he decides that her reasons must go deeper, that she must have real feelings for him, his friends think that he’s just setting himself up for a big fall. But if there’s one quality that personified Harry, it’s that he never loses hope. Harry plans the perfect evening for Seven, drawing out her humanity more and more each step of the way. But the morning after comes, and Seven becomes afraid of these new feelings. She runs away, leaving Harry feeling hurt and foolish. I won’t give away the end of the story, but suffice it to say that Harry’s friends learn a lesson about trusting him to make his own decisions, and treating him with respect. And Seven learns that human interpersonal relationships are not as irrelevant as she had once thought.

I think anyone with a familiarity with these characters can enjoy this story. Voyager was always more character driven than any of the other Trek series, in my opinion. They didn’t have any long, sweeping story arcs (for better or worse), they didn’t tackle any big issues like politics or war, they were removed from all that, a ship alone. They were simply a group of characters trying to make their way home, and forced to get along with each other along the way.

“I Only Have Eyes For You” is the first story in a series called The K/7 Saga, the rest of which can be found at the author’s site (link above). If you decide to read the story and you like it, be sure to drop Michael a line and let him know.

Commentary Tracks Worth a Listen

2009-09-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

Commentary tracks are an invention of the DVD age, a second audio track in which the creators of the movie or TV show get a chance to talk about the experience and give the viewer some extra bit of insight into what they’re watching. When it’s done right, then viewer can walk away from the experience knowing more about the material, enhancing his love for it. When it’s done poorly, it’s pretentious and boring. Here are some guidelines to help you separate the good from the bad, and hopefully save you from wasting two hours of your life that you’ll never get back. Then again, if you’re listening to a DVD commentary track, you probably weren’t going to do anything terribly important with those two hours anyway.

Who’s Talking?

These tracks used to be called Director’s Commentary, because that was typically the only person who did them. But soon more and more people started getting in on the fun, and now we have cast commentary, producers, writers, special effects guys, stage hands, and the guy that runs the craft services table. A good indication that a commentary isn’t worth listening to is if you’ve seen the movie and you still don’t recognize any of the names of the people doing the track. Do you really need to hear from the guy who made Mark Wahlberg’s plastic dong for Boogie Nights about the injection molding process? Is that really going to enhance your enjoyment of the movie at all? Stick to the director and the cast and you should be fine.

What Are They Talking About?

Why does the average person listen to these things anyway? Because we don’t make movies (most of us don’t anyway), and we’re interested in knowing how it’s done. Especially if it’s something that we like, we want to know what went into it. Where did the idea come from? How was it crafted? If it’s a cast commentary, what went into making the performance? Are there little moments in the film that the average viewer may have missed, something that relates to the story, or some kind of symbolism? Inside jokes, Easter eggs, things like that. Some commentaries are little more than recorded wrap parties, with the cast reminiscing about how much fun they had. And while that can be upbeat and fun, no real information is being given. Hearing about the hijinks that Larry the Cable Guy got up to on the set of Delta Farce, the viewer (or listener) doesn’t feel like they’re being given special access, they just feel like an outsider. And in the case of Larry the Cable Guy, hearing about him cavorting and showing off for the crew may even make us throw up in our mouths a little.

The Tone

Happy and upbeat is good, like I said, as long as the people on the track are talking about things that the viewer cares about. A lovefest, where the cast and crew fawn all over each other, telling each other how great they are, is of very little interest to anyone. But at the same time, being overly technical and obsessed with minutia can be dull and boring. Tracks with one or two people speaking in monotones and long moments of silence where they can’t think of anything to say. If it’s obvious that the person recording the track doesn’t want to be there, the viewer is certainly not going to want to be there either. So striking the right balance is important. Another thing to avoid in this regard is the defensive director. Two hours of listening to a guy make excuses for bad effects shots and bitch about the studio is not fun for anyone, especially his fellow commentators.

Pretension

It’s hard to sit in a room and talk for two hours about yourself and not sound pretentious. The trick, in my opinion, is to not overcorrect and become self-effacing because it inevitably comes off as fake. And nothing comes off as more pretentious than fake modesty. So if the commentators can succeed in being honest and real, it can buy them a lot of credibility with the viewers and save them from sounding pretentious. Or at least make us forgive you for sounding pretentious.

So here are a few commentary tracks that I think did it right.

Futurama

Who: Matt Groening, David X. Cohen, Billy West, John DiMaggio, and whoever wrote and/or directed the episode in question
What: Any show that has a commentary track for every single episode is ok in my book. Futurama was the little show that could, and then couldn’t, and then could again. The topics in the commentaries range from the story process, the animation process, the voice acting, and behind the scenes anecdotes.
Tone: Fun, but informative. Not too serious, but not a straight out love fest either.
Pretension: None

Red Dwarf

Who: The entire case (varies from season to season)
What: Another show that has commentary tracks on every episode. It’s a cast commentary (though some of the DVDs have other tracks with the creators of the show and some episodes have fan commentaries) so it isn’t overly technical. There is a lot of reminiscing, but I wouldn’t call it a lovefest. The actors are pretty truthful about the infighting that went on during the filming of the show, but they stay pretty lighthearted about it.
Tone: Fun, snarky
Pretension: Low

Fight Club

Who: David Fincher, Brad Pitt, Ed Norton, Helena Bonham Carter
What: They talk about all the typical movie making stuff of course. They talk about the book, they talk about the hype that surrounded the movie when it came out, and they talk a lot about the character of Tyler Durden. There are subliminal Tyler’s in the movie, along with some other Easter eggs and inside jokes that they point out. If you love this movie as much as I do, it’s a good inside look into what went into it, so it’s definitely worth a listen.
Tone: Playful, friendly. When the ‘subliminal’ penis appears near the end of the movie, Brad Pitt says “Fincher likes to make an appearance in all of his movies”.
Pretension: Forgivable

Mr. Show

Who: Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, assorted cast members
What: The commentary tracks for Mr. Show do something that I’ve never seen before, they put on a little show themselves. Along with all the typical commentary of talking about sketches, they have fictional characters commenting on the show as well. Bob and David’s acting coach, their agent, a radio DJ, a super fan, etc. It makes the tracks not only informative but entertaining on their own. More often than not when I pull out the DVD now, I watch with the commentary on rather than off.
Tone: Funny
Pretension: Medium well. As much as I love Mr. Show, something about Bob and David has always bothered me. They have an attitude that their kind of humor is the only kind of humor that’s worth anything, that anyone who likes anything that’s mainstream is a moron and a sheep, and anyone who doesn’t think that they’re funny ‘just doesn’t get it, man’. This comes across on the commentary tracks frequently, but they’re funny so it’s tolerable.

What do you think, Sirs? What DVD commentary tracks do you enjoy?

Hump Day

2009-09-23T13:48:00.000-07:00

Alyson Hannigan

What better way to celebrate hump day than with pictures of people that I'd like to hump. Enjoy.

Checking My Geek Cred

2009-09-21T10:27:00.000-07:00

So here I am, calling myself the Working Class Geek, and yet I can’t help but feel like I’m not all the geek that I could be. Like most geeks, most of my friends (real and imaginary) are also geeks, and whenever I interact with them I can’t help but wonder how I stack up. Sure, my knowledge of Star Trek is extensive, my love of Buffy unrivaled, but there are certain geek staples that I just haven’t been able to get onboard with. In some cases they’re things that I’ve made an effort with and just couldn’t get into for one reason or another. In others, they are things that I feel like I would genuinely love, but discovered too late and therefore feel like I could never catch up. In any case, I’ve decided to examine here some of the major deficiencies in my geek cred, and invite you all to laugh and ridicule me because of them.

Dr. Who

As I understand it (and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong), because of the Doctor’s ability to regenerate into a new body, which allows him to be played by different actors, every incarnation of the Doctor from the old show, to the new show, to comic books, to TV movies, is in fact canon. Meaning that it is all part of the same universe, with the same continuity. That’s a pretty tall order for a newbie to jump onboard with, considering that the original show started in the early 60’s. In 2005 when the new show came out, I gave it a go. I watched it off and on, though never really consistently. Between the Sci-Fi Channel and BBC America, I was watching episodes out of order. I saw a few with Christopher Eccleston, a few with David Tennant, and I even watched some of Torchwood. I really like everything that I saw, though because I watched so inconsistently I always felt like I was playing catch up. Eventually that became frustrating enough that I stopped making the effort.

Dr. Who is huge, like Star Trek huge. Not being a fan severely hurts my geek cred. However thanks to my casual viewership and association with a few fans, I know enough to fake my way through a casual conversation. The upside is that Dr. Who fans, like most geeks, won’t shun you if you admit that you’re not a member of their secret cult, for the simple reason that they’ll be more than happy to indoctrinate you. Be prepared for long conversations involving colored scarves, robot dogs, and sonic screwdrivers.

Smallville

This one I really kick myself for. I watched the show off and on during the first season, and I really enjoyed it. But then I missed a few episodes, and the ‘monster of the week’ plots started to get old, and the show just stopped being a priority for me. And now is my face ever red. If I knew then what I know now, that the show was going to last so long, that they were going to introduce tons of characters from DC comics (including Green Arrow, one of my favorites), that the stories were going to get more complicated and interesting, I would have stuck around. Once in a while I catch a new episode and I wish I knew what was going on. I mean, this is probably the closest thing we’re ever going to get to a live action Justice League show.

I know, catching up is as easy as Netflixing the DVDs and setting aside a few days of my life to watch the shit out of them. I just don’t think I can make the time, I’m not the same geek that I used to be. And once it becomes a chore, and no matter how great the show is watching eight seasons in a weekend is still a chore, it kind of sucks the enjoyment out of it. Maybe I’ll get to it someday. Or maybe Green Arrow will get a spin-off and I can just watch that.

Battlestar Gallactica

Even though I’m too young to have been a fan of the original, when the remake started up on Sci-Fi Channel, I was excited. If anything it seemed like an advantage, considering the changes to the show that the harsh reaction to some of them by the original fans. Starbuck, a woman! Blasphemy! So I started watching the show with interest, but two or three episodes in I bailed. At the time I’m not even sure I knew why, I just couldn’t seem to get into it. There was action, the effects were great, it was dark and raw and realistic, the way the original never was (or so I’ve been told). So why wasn’t I onboard? I didn’t care about any of the characters. Now I know what you’re going to say. It’s dark and raw and realistic, the characters aren’t supposed to be likable. I’m not saying that the heroes have to be stalwart and true and wear white hats, but is it too much to ask that they not all be complete assholes? I respect the show and I respect the fans, but I just can’t get interested in a show when I have no emotional stake in the characters. And maybe I’m wrong about this because I haven’t watched much of the show, but the characterizations seemed inconsistent to me as well. Characters that you thought were smart would do really dumb things, or characters that were nice would do something really mean for no reason. I remember an episode where Starbuck was torturing a Cylon, got in trouble with the president for it, and then the president shoved him out of an airlock at the end, and Starbuck was upset by it. Maybe I’m missing something, but that just doesn’t make any sense.

Do I have some residual anger left at the Sci-Fi channel for canceling Farscape, or MST3K, or The Invisible Man? Perhaps. But I like to think that I’m mature enough not to hold a grudge. Besides, I loved Stargate, so take that imaginary person who asked that question!

Dune

This one is a combination of ‘too much back story to catch up’ and ‘I tried, I really really tried’. I remember when I was a kid and I saw a commercial for the movie Dune coming up on some cable station. It was science fiction, Patrick Stewart was in it, it looked right up my alley. I think I made it twenty minutes in before I bailed. I’ve since made several attempts to get through that movie, but I’ve never made it all the way through. All I have now are vague memories that make very little sense. Glowing blue eyes, a floating fat man, giant sand worms, Sting in his underwear. I’m sure it all makes sense to someone, but I left my decoder ring in my other pants.

The movie that I saw had an introduction where they used paintings of all of the key characters and planets and tried to get a lot of the exposition out of the way. I’ve since learned that that isn’t the original cut of the movie, and that it was added to make it less confusing. I can’t even fathom what that first cut must have been like. And I know what you’re going to say, I need to read the books. The source material is always going to be more coherent than the adaptation. And while I’m sure that’s true, and many movies that I’ve seen have made me interested enough to seek out the original work, with Dune I just don’t have the interest.

Comic Books

My secret shame. Before you start putting up the cross to nail me to, let me explain a little. I love comic book movies, I grew up watching the cartoons of comic book characters and continue to watch some even into adulthood. So I’ve always had an interest in comics, I just never bothered to pick up an actual comic book and read it. It was so much easier as a kid to have it all spoon fed to me through TV. And when I finally did wander into a comic book store with the intent to develop my interest, I didn’t know where to begin. I was met with wall after wall of colorful comic book covers, filled with familiar characters and unfamiliar storylines. I ended up picking a couple just based on the cover art, having no idea what they were about, and to absolutely nobody’s surprise, I had no idea what was going on. I needed someone to guide me on my journey, and at the time I didn’t have any friends that were into comics and I was too shy to talk to the people at the store.

I found my guide several years ago in the form of my friend Art (also known as ScarecrowsBrain). He started bringing me books from his own collection, both old and new. I started reading Marvel’s Ultimate line, along with some other X-Men titles. I read classics like Watchmen and The Long Holloween, and I read more obscure stuff like Astro City and Concrete. Then the comics started coming directly to my computer via bit torrent. Astonishing X-Men, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I read comics blogs and watched Justice League Unlimited. It was my own personal golden age. But like all good things, it came to an end. I moved on to a new job, and no longer being coworkers, Art and I no longer saw each other every day. My gravy train ended, and I was left once again to navigate the world of comics on my own.

The intervening time has been spent on other geek pursuits, however I’ve recently decided to delve back into the comics world. A recent conversation with my good friend Glitterrock over at The Gunutook about the new Green Lantern series “Blackest Night” has convinced me to pick up the book, as well as some older Green Lantern stuff to try and get caught up. So you can see that I’m making an effort, you’ve got to give me credit for that. Right?

Additional

This list is by no means comprehensive, it’s just a few major examples that stick out to me at the moment. I was going to write an entry for Babylon 5, but decided against it. A Star Trek fan talking less than favorably about Babylon 5 on the Internet is kind of like pitching a Molotov cocktail through a church window. It’s going to start some shit that I don’t need, so I’ll pass.

So what do you think, Sirs? Am I still turtley enough for the turtle club?

Fanfic Pick O' the Week

2009-09-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

I’m thinking about making this a regular feature for this blog, but I’m hesitant. The kind of fanfiction a person reads can be such a subjective thing. There are so many fandoms, genres, sub-genres, and styles that unless you’re talking to somebody in a specific forum, it’s hard to recommend something that they could be interested in. When you’re talking to somebody about books, it’s not that complicated. If I say that I like horror or science fiction, even if those aren’t the type of books that you like, you know what I’m talking about. It’s relatable, because there are only a set number of genres that exist, and for the most part we’re all aware of what they are. However with fanfiction there is no quality control or marketing department involved to decide whether or not a story is good enough or has mass appeal enough to be released. This can be a double edged sword, because on one hand there’s much more freedom for anyone to write anything, and a lot of good ideas and stories can come out of that. But on the other hand, the sheer volume of it all almost insures that the majority of it will be crap, and that sifting through it to find the good bits can be a cumbersome task. What this also means, since the people who read fanfiction are also the people who write it, is that any interest, no matter how obscure, is represented somewhere. And so the genres get broken down into sub-genres; character fics, shipper fics, crossovers, slash, alternate universe fics, uber fics, etc. To the point where it’s no longer relatable. If I tell you that I like horror or science fiction, you understand, but if I tell you that I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xander-centric crossovers, can you relate to that? Seriously, can you, because that really is what I’m into. My point in all this rambling is that because of the specificity of genre, making general recommendations of fanfiction can be a challenge. But I’m going to give it a try anyway.

But first, some background. Writing fanfiction has been a hobby of mine for over ten years now. I started off writing Star Trek erotica, where I made all the rookie mistakes. Author insertion, Mary Sues, sloppy crossovers, and generally poor writing. I like to think that I’ve gotten better over the years and developed my own style and voice. I started writing Star Trek Voyager fic mostly, since it was the only Trek series on the air at the time, and I became a Kim/Torres shipper. Eventually the novelty of erotica wore off on me and I became more interested in storytelling. I started writing mostly Buffy stories, and I developed an affinity for the character of Xander, as well as an affinity for crossovers. I know that crossovers have a bad reputation in some circles, simply because it’s so easy to do them badly. Any fanboy who ever wondered what would happen if Darth Vader met Optimus Prime can put fingers to keyboard and bang out a cliché-ridden pile of drivel. The most grievous offense seems to be lack of story, the author relying too heavily on the novelty of the crossover to keep the reader interested. I guess it was the challenge that attracted me, to make the crossover seem natural and have a good reason for it, the ability to tell an original story with realistic character interaction. My stuff has always been heavily character driven.

So that’s where I’m coming from. You can use that information to decide exactly how many grains of salt to take with any of my recommendations. And so without further ado…

Our Day Has Come
By Pete Meilinger (mellnger@bu.edu)
http://www.unfitforsociety.net/pete/ourday1.html
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Pairing: Buffy/Xander
Genre: Romance
Summary: Buffy realizes that she has feelings for her Xander-shaped friend and with a little help from their friends, the two spend a romantic evening together.

Romance fics generally fall into two categories, smut and angst. This is one of those rare stories that are neither. Sweet to the point of sappy in some places, funny and well written, “Our Day Has Come” really makes you care about the characters and root for them to fall in love. Written from Buffy’s point of view, Pete brings out the sweetness and vulnerability of her character that was so evident in the early seasons of the show, and so absent in the later seasons. I’ve always considered myself more of a Willow/Xander shipper, though I also enjoy other Xander ships as well. One of the things I love about this story, and Pete’s stories in general, is that even when he isn’t writing W/X, Willow and Xander’s friendship is still highlighted and an important part of the story. You really get a sense of the deep bond that they share. This story has the distinction for me of being the fanfic that I’ve probably reread the most, and each time I read it again I get just as much joy out of it.

This is a good story for novice fanfic readers to get their feet wet. It’s not too complicated and it doesn’t require extensive knowledge of the show in order to follow the story. For hardcore Buffy fans, it’s a great story too because it’s primarily about the characters that we know and love from the show. It successfully captures the essence of these characters, while taking them in a new and different direction. And after all, isn’t that the point of fanfic.

If you do decide to read the story, be sure to drop Pete a line and let him know what you thought.

I Want to Eat This and I Hate Myself For It

2009-09-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

"Does that come with a side of shame?"

This is the new sandwich at KFC, it’s called the double down. If you’re wondering why you haven’t seen or heard of this, it’s because it’s only at select locations now, namely Providence, Rhode Island and Omaha, Nebraska. I can only assume this is so they can monitor the hospitals in those areas for any spikes in the number of heart attacks reported before they decide if this gastronomic monstrosity is safe.

Let me walk you through it. It’s a sandwich with chicken breasts for bread, and in the middle there are two kinds of cheese, bacon, and something called the Colonel’s sauce. This is the latest example in what I like to refer to as the post-“Super-Size Me” fast food steering-into-the-skid strategy. “Yeah, fast food is bad for you. We know it, you know it, so fuck it. Let’s see how bad we can make it before the FDA steps in. Come on, eat it, we dare you!”

The sad thing is, I want one so bad that my mouth is watering right now as I type this. I’ve been conditioned like a lab rat through years of fast food advertising. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming them. I’m a weak-willed fat tub of goo, and it’s my own damn fault. I just wish I could get this worked up about something that was good for me. I always thought that biology made us like things that we needed. Sex feels good, so we’ll procreate. The features that we find attractive in the opposite sex are usually indicative of health and suitability to produce healthy children. Poison tastes bad, so we won’t eat it. If we do something bad to our bodies, we feel pain, so we’ll stop. So why then does all the food that’s killing us taste so good?

I’d love to go on, but it’s almost lunch time and I’m making myself hungry. Fuck it, how far is Rhode Island?

http://www.avclub.com/articles/kfcs-double-down-sandwich,32804/

Do You Remember...

2009-09-16T05:48:00.000-07:00

Pointless nostalgia time. Have you ever remembered something so vaguely that you’re not even sure it really happened? I don’t mean repressed memories or drug induced hallucinations, I’m talking about something more important that that. Old TV shows. These days we’re so bombarded with pop culture. Virtually every device we own spews it out in one form or another, until we’re drowning in a cacophony of noise. We had to invent things like TiVo just to sort through it all and pull out the good bits, otherwise they might just fly right by unnoticed. And anything that goes unnoticed for more than four seconds gets canceled and disappears from our consciousness like it never existed. But once in a while we catch a fleeting glimpse of something out of the corner of our eye, and then it disappears and we’re left wondering if we really saw it, like it was Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. Well, I’ve decided to delve into my own personal repertoire of mythical monster sightings and pull out a few to share with you all. And yes, I have confirmed that each one of these shows really existed and I didn’t just make them up, despite how ridiculous some of them may sound.

“Space Rangers”, 1993, 13 Episodes

This show featured a rugged, fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants space cowboy captain, a fat cyborg with a taste for Motown, a woman from a female dominated society who shares her name with a circus freak, an alien ninja who has to wear a “pacifier” around his neck to keep from killing everyone, and Clint Howard. I’ll let you decide which of those things is the strangest (I’m going with Clint Howard). They flew around and had various adventures on the frontiers of explored space, keeping the peace, teaching alien women to love, the usual stuff.

My favorite character was Doc, the fat cyborg (I think he was the engineer). I’ve always had a fascination with cyborgs, they can be heroic (The Bionic Six) or tragic (Robocop) or horrifying (The Borg). But rarely are they fat, sarcastic, cigar-chomping grizzled old ground pounders who’ve been around so long that the galaxy is littered with their discarded limbs. Doc always looked like he was held together with bailing wire and duct tape. At one point he had to pull his artificial heart out and bang on it to get it started again. Overweight, out of shape, barely functioning, but still he flies around in space and kicks series amounts of ass. This guy’s balls must have been huge, on whatever alien planet he happened to leave them behind on.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106144/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Rangers_(TV_series)

“Island City”, 1994, Pilot

Island City was a two hour pilot movie that never got picked up. The premise is this: A drug is invented that stops people from aging, everyone takes it, it turns ninety percent of the Earth’s population into cavemen, and the other ten percent have to band together in fortress cities just to survive. It starred Kevin Conroy, the voice of Batman, as the city’s commander, and Will & Grace’s Eric McCormack as Greg 23, a genetically engineered soldier who, while brilliant, wasn’t coordinated enough to walk and chew gum at the same time. You think you don’t get along with your siblings, imagine having 22 genetically defective identical brothers who all hate you. Thanksgiving must be rough.

The most notable thing about the show however is the different colored crystals that all the characters wear on their chest. You see, even though all the survivors of this Armageddon didn’t turn into recessives (the afore-mentioned cavemen) they still all took the anti-aging drug, so they are still all carriers. Therefore breeding is strictly regulated to make sure that they don’t make any more baby cavemen, so you’re only allowed to bump uglies with people with the same colored crystal as you. This makes the bar scene on Island City a surprisingly easy place to pickup a date. “Hey baby, I’m green and you’re green, so our children won’t be hideously deformed monsters. Can I buy you a Zima?”

And did I mention that one of the characters is a half human, half caveman product of rape? That’s fun, right? I can’t imagine why this show didn’t get picked up.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110163/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Island_city

“Star Command”, 1996, Pilot

I once read somewhere that the creators of Red Dwarf had the idea to fill the pilot of the show with big named stars, tricking the audience into thinking that this would be the cast of the show, only to kill them off two thirds of the way through and revealing the true stars of the show, the slob and the prick. Of course, it’s hard to get big name stars to agree to be on a show where they are almost immediately killed off, but the 1996 pilot/movie Star Command did exactly that. Chad Everett and Morgan Fairchild play two officers in the space navy who take a group of six ensigns on a training mission, and then are almost immediately killed. This leaves the six ensigns alone to defend themselves from their enemies and embark on a mission to prevent a war. This ragtag group of young space cadets have to learn to work together and be a crew without their superiors there to guide them, all alone against the harsh universe, these plucky underdogs come through in the end and prove their metal. Oh, except for one of them who turns out to be a real prick and the others decide to kill him, but then he commits suicide. But other than that, heartwarming and inspirational. Truly.

Also, just to note my pervious point, the memory of this show was so hazy that it took me nearly an hour to find it on IMDB because I kept misremembering the cast and the title. I thought it was called Space Command and the only cast member I remembered correctly was Morgan Fairchild. I thought the Chad Everett part was played by Charlton Heston, and I thought two of the ensigns were Wil Wheaton and Clea Duvall. Apparently when my brain doesn’t have the proper information, it just makes stuff up that’s close. Stupid brain.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117729/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Command_(film)

“Kindred: The Embraced”, 1996, 8 Episodes

Based on the RPG “Vampire: The Masquerade”, Kindred was a show about warring vampire clans in modern day San Francisco, and the Prince of the city, Julian Luna, who tried to keep order among them. The show focused on five clans, leaving out many others from the RPG and causing gamers everywhere to wet themselves. “You mean our exceedingly complicated clan system isn’t being strictly observed for this television show? How dare they?!” Calm down fanboy, just be glad they made the show in the first place. These days when the average person hears RPG, the think ‘Rocket Propelled Grenade’, not ‘Role Playing Game’.

Of the five clans that Julian oversees, the heads of which, called Primogens, include his lover, his sire, his best friend, and his bodyguard. The Primogen of the fifth clan, the Brujah, naturally feels left out. So he tried to have Julian killed with help from his lover, Stacy Haiduk of Superboy and SeaQuest fame, who’s pissed at Julian because he’s been making time with this human reporter. So Julian has the Brujah Primogen killed, and the Brujah retaliate by turning Julian’s “niece”, his last human descendant. Julian’s niece and his bodyguard then have this whole Romeo and Juliet thing going, because they’re in love but their clans are sworn enemies. Confused yet? No wonder they don’t make shows out of role playing games anymore. The show also starred C. Thomas Howell in one of his few non-blackface roles.

This one I’ve actually rewatched recently, which is why I remember the story so well. It was pretty good I thought, it managed to do something different with the vampire genre. It was part crime drama, part supernatural thriller, part political drama, and part soap opera. Unfortunately the show’s star, Mark Frankel, died in a motorcycle accident and the show was canceled, otherwise I think it could have been a hit.

In the intervening years the whole vampire genre has gone from dark, brooding and violent to teen angsty vampires who go to high school and sparkle in the sunlight. It’s a fucking tragedy.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115232/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kindred_the_embraced

“Perversions of Science”, 1997, 10 Episodes

Imagine “The Twilight Zone” meets “Tales From the Crypt” meets softcore porn. This was a show that aired late at night on HBO after all, so a certain amount of boobs were expected. Wil Wheaton did make an appearance in this one, I’m sure of it. He played a crewmember on a space station that ended up killing his crew in an emergency that turned out to be a drill. There was also an episode where a man got a sex change to become a woman, and then went back in time and had sex with himself. You get the idea of the formula:

Sci-Fi Premise + Twilight Zone Twist Ending + Gratuitous Sex and Nudity = Fun!

They tried this premise again recently on network TV, minus the nudity of course, with a show called “Masters of Science Fiction”. They took short stories by well known authors, got a couple real stars to make appearances, and fun was had by all. They made six episodes, only four of them aired. I don’t get it. It seems like every few years there’s this hardon to recapture the Twilight Zone magic from the 50’s, but they can never get it done. In the case of these two shows, they were well done, the premises were original, there just didn’t seem to be an audience for it. Although in the case of “Masters”, it was never really given a fair chance.

It seems like no matter how big science fiction gets, the networks still treat it like it’s some small niche market. Then they put a show in a shitty time slot, don’t promote it, and when the ratings fail they say “See, nobody watches this science fiction stuff.” Even the Sci-Fi Channel is getting away from the science fiction image by renaming themselves SyFy and showing wrestling. What is the point of that? Does everything on TV have to have the broadest appeal possible? The answer of course is yes, that’s how they make money, but they’re shooting themselves in the foot. You can never please everybody with a single show, and by trying all you end up doing is pleasing nobody.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118426/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perversions_of_Science

What do you think, Sirs? What’s the most obscure, short-lived TV show that you can remember?

Pimp My Starship

2009-09-14T12:55:00.000-07:00

My name is Cyberbeast. Welcome to my crazy. Please, play along.

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to live in your favorite science fiction series? If you're anything like me you have. And if you aren't anything like me, then why would you be reading this? For the sake of argument, let's say that you answered 'yes' to the first question. So let's say that you rubbed a magic lamp and wished yourself into the nearest futuristic utopia (or dystopia if that's what you're into), and that when you arrived you found yourself on the interstellar version of everyone's favorite MTV show, “Pimp My Ride”. So the alien version of Xzibit (I was going to try to alien up his name, but he already has an 'X' and a 'Z' so I don't have a lot of options). So as I was saying, X'z'b't comes up to you and says “What are you looking for in a pimped out starship?” So what are you going to tell him? Here are a few ideas of my own, feel free to steal them if the above scenario ever happens to you.

Third Warp Nacelle / Kickass Phaser Cannon (“All Good Things” (TNG))

As you may remember, the series finale of Star Trek: The Next Generation took us to the future future, where Captain Picard was old and senile, Geordi had eyes, Data had a skunk spot, and Riker was a crotchety old Starfleet admiral who was too busy yelling at kids to get off of his space lawn to lend a hand and save the world. But then again, he's Riker, and when he isn't imitating John Wayne, he likes to imitate Han Solo, by flying in at the end and saving the day. Watch this clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UspfD7SW5Ns

There are so many cool things about this moment that I scarcely know where to begin. Riker's 'tude, the fact that the Enterprise appears on the Y axis under the Klingon ships, and the fact that Riker's idea of 'getting the Klingons attention' is BLOWING A HOLE THROUGH THEIR SHIP WITH THE FIRST SHOT! Apparently that phaser cannon is the starship equivalent of Danny Vermin's 88 Magnum. It shoots through Klingons.

“You shouldn't fire on my friends' starship, Johnny. The Klingons fired on my friends' starship once. ONCE!”

It then blows the ship up and flies through the debris, like it was stepping on a bug and couldn't be bothered to even slow down. And the third nacelle, it's just cool. I can't really explain why. It's like the A-Team built a starship in a junk yard and threw in everything they could find. It ain't pretty but it gets the fucking job done.

Phase-Cloak (“Pegasus” (TNG))

Imagine being able to combine the powers of Darien Fawkes from The Invisible Man (the ability to be invisible without having to be naked) and Kitty Pryde, aka Shadowcat from the X-Men (The ability to phase and pass through solid objects). The ability to go anywhere, undetectable and indestructible. Unless of course the thing breaks while you're in the middle of an asteroid, that could get messy. Oh, and there's that pesky treaty with the Romulans that says the Federation isn't allowed to have cloaking devices.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9Dq7WSsxg8

But if you're John Locke from Lost, you can do whatever you want, right? Okay, that's when my memory of this episode gets a little hazy. Here's another clip of the phase-cloak in action.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsPQxADprtk

I guess they needed it to fight the smoke monster or something. Still, despite the possible drawbacks, I want one. See, the thing that “Pimp My Ride” never shows you is what happens after the cameras leave, and the newly tricked out car is left parked at the curb, alone and defenseless. Those flat screen monitors in the bumper seemed like a good idea at time, until you realize that they can be pried out quite easily with a screwdriver. That's why you need a phase-cloak, to keep the haters off of your shit. That, and a BIG FUCKING PHASER CANNON! There's another thing you never see on PMR. But X'z'b't is cool like that, he'll hook a brother up.

Ablative Armor / Transphasic Torpedoes (“Endgame” (VOY))

Speaking of defensive measures, remember Tim Burton's “Batman” from 1989? Well, so did the writers on Voyager.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xpc6SwYd8Dg

Look familiar? It occurs to me that what good is a phase-cloak for defense when no one can see how badass you are. This should get the point across I think. Yeah, I'm here, what are you going to do about it motherfucker! My starship ain't nothin' to fuk wit! Sorry, I got a little carried away there. Moving right along.

Transphasic torpedoes were made for the express purpose of fucking up Borg cubes. Here's a clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsqhZTvIT0k

Yeah boy! Captain Janeway ain't nothin' to fuck wit! Okay, I may be alone on that one, I can accept that. Moving on. After Voyager made it home, Starfleet took away all the future tech that Admiral Janeway gave Voyager, something about polluting the timeline. Spoilsports. But, they did keep the transphasic torpedoes as a weapon of last resort against the Borg. Do yourself a favor and read the Star Trek Destiny series to see how that one worked out. Still, I may have to defend myself from the Borg. Lord knows they'll want to get their hands on my new kickass starship, so they can add it's technological distinctiveness to their own. Or maybe just strip it and sell it for parts, who knows. It's a rough galaxy out there, hard times all around.

Multi-Vector Assault Mode (“Message in a Bottle” (VOY))

Lets ignore for a moment that Andy Dick was in this episode and focus on the USS Prometheus, shall we. Starfleet's latest and greatest ship (at the time) had a little trick that it did that it called multi-vector assault mode. Basically this meant that during a firefight, the ship could separate into three ships, and fuck up your shit from three different directions at the same time. Still, as badass as that sounds, the Prometheus still managed to get jacked by Romulans and had to be saved by a couple of holographic doctors. That's a bit embarrassing so let's not dwell on that. Here's a clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07eyG5l7dVE

Yeah, multi-vector assault mode ain't nothin' to fuck wit! Sorry, I'll stop doing that, I promise. Still, you have to ask yourself, what's better than a badass starship at your command. And then you have to answer yourself, THREE badass starships, that's what! I know, you're asking what about the three nacelle design that I picked? How is that going to work? Simple, each section gets its own nacelle. If one nacelle is good enough for Kirk's father, then it's good enough for me. (And if you don't know what I'm talking about, why haven't you seen the new Star Trek movie yet?!)

Temporal Drive (“Future's End” (VOY) and “Relativity” (VOY)

So, you've got a kickass ship with a big gun and some cool torpedoes and a retro third nacelle that can armor itself and phase-cloak and impress all the ladies while you're cruising the space lanes (warp one, so everybody can get a good look). So what are you going to do with it? Travel trough time, duh. Turn on the phase-cloak and fly through the battle of Gettysburg. Shake hands with Genghis Khan. Go back to when Hitler was twelve and dump his books. Hover over the Superbowl, peak in on Marilyn Monroe in the shower, whatever floats your boat. Or maybe you can visit 1947 Roswell, New Mexico and freak some people out.

When Voyager encountered a 29^th Century starship captain named Braxton, well, as Lt. Commander Data would say, the fecal matter interfaced with the air circulation device. They all went back in time to 1996, Braxton's ship fell into the hands of Ed Begley Jr., and the tech boom of the early 90's happened. What's that you say? What about the Eugenics Wars, which according to Star Trek canon happened during the 90's? Rick Berman took a big shit on Star Trek continuity, that's what happened. And then they put a model of Khan's ship, the Botany Bay, in Ed Begley's office as a little wink and a nod to the geeks who notice things like that. Not that I would, notice things like that I mean. Ahem (pushes up glasses). Anyway, my point is, there is a lesson to learn from these events. Never piss off a guy who owns a time machine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TF5UsxRBoPQ

Especially that guy. Look what happens two years later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctzWoxb0VYw

That's right, not only did he still hold a grudge against Voyager, but he turned into a different actor! I'm not quite sure how that fits into his diabolical plan, but still, never piss off a guy who owns a time machine. Sound advice.

Accoutrements

Replicators, holodecks, a fully staffed holographic crew, pleasure GELFs, etc. You know, the usual. I could go on but honestly, the whole inside of the ship could be one giant holodeck and that would suit me fine. After that you can pretty much just ask for anything that comes to mind and there it is. A few years of that and I'll turn into one of those fat people from WALL-E who's forgotten how to walk. Computer, tell me again about this thing called 'dancing.'

What do you think, Sirs? What starship features would you pick? Feel free to pick from any fandom that you like. Come now, don't be shy. Share with the class.