It Used to be About the Food, MAN!

Remember when MTV used to be about the music? Yeah, me neither. What about SyFy, remember when they were all about Sci-Fi and spelling things correctly? Crazy, I know. All cable stations seem to start out focused on some niche market, and as soon as they become popular, they completely abandon it. Why? Because popularity means viewers, and viewers mean sponsors, and sponsors mean money, and money means more money and the desire for more money, and that means making sure that the network has the broadest appeal possible. So now we have no music on MTV, wrestling on SyFy, and reality shows EVERYWHERE! So what, you may say. This is hardly new, why talk about it now? Because I’m starting to see the effects of this phenomenon on one of my favorite channels, and once something affects me personally it then becomes important.

I can’t be the only one who watches the Food Network, right? I mean, it’s statistically impossible. The whole point of this trend is that it happens to networks that become too popular. The personalities are so famous now that they’re getting network shows and national endorsement deals. So why does no one else I talk to ever admit to watching it? Why do people think it’s so weird whenever I watch it? Is it some kind of guilty pleasure thing that I’m just too stupid to feel guilty about? My point is, the Food Network used to be about the food (MAAAAAN!!!!). And for the most part, it still is, but I can see the signs. First there was “The Next Food Network Star”, and then there was “Ace of Cakes” and “The Next Iron Chef” and “Dinner Impossible”. They were easy to avoid at first, but they’re multiplying. But I think none of these shows illustrates my point and shows the progression of the trend better than “Food Network Challenge”.

“Food Network Challenge” started its life by televising actual cooking competitions, ones that existed with or without the Food Network. It was interesting for all the reasons that reality TV is supposed to be interesting and yet never is, because it was real. Real real, not ‘Flavor of Love’ real. And then they started making their own challenges, which was fine. Most of these involved chocolate or sugar sculptures. Then they realized that people liked it when the sugar sculptures would break. It was dramatic, it was heart-wrenching, it was other people’s pain on display, which is exactly what reality TV is all about. So they made them carry their pieces to the judging table. And when that didn’t result in enough broken pieces, they made them carry it through an obstacle course. Okay, a little much but I can put up with it. I think the turning point for me was when they started doing the judging American Idol style, in front of the audience and the contestant in question, complete with snarky comments and soul-crushing cruelty.

The last one was a Simpsons cake challenge, for the twentieth anniversary of the show. And for an additional degree of difficulty, each cake artist was paired with a Simpsons super-fan as an assistant, who knew nothing about making cakes (or more accurately, the sculptures that are made out of cake that these shows create). And then they brought in Yeardley Smith, who knows nothing about cakes, to pick the winner. This isn’t even a legitimate competition anymore, it’s just a series of situations that are designed to make people have a nervous breakdown on television for our viewing pleasure.

This may seem like a lot of complaining over nothing, and mostly it is. My point is simply this: Everything does not need to be turned into a reality show! Every menial profession, every vapid celebutant, every has been or Z-list celebrity with nothing going on, and every moron on the street who wants to be famous without having to actually do anything to earn it DOES NOT NEED A TELEVISION SHOW REVOLVING AROUND THEM! We’re becoming a society of voyeurs and exhibitionists, of narcissists indulging in cruelty and classism, worshipping the false idols and equating fame with success instead of any kind of actual achievement. I know it seems harmless, but it’s bad for us, and we all need to stop.

And for all of those people who enjoy these shows ironically, you’re only encouraging them.