Top 7 Ways to Get F-ed up in the Future

One interesting thing that I’ve observed from my years of watching Star Trek is that despite the utopian nature of the future depicted, humans (and aliens alike) still haven’t lost the need to dull their senses and escape into the loving embrace of booze once in a while. I mean, practically every starship or space station we’ve seen has a bar in it. That should tell you something.

Star Trek: The Next Generation introduced us to the idea of synthahol, a synthetic alcohol substitute which tastes and smells just like the real thing, but doesn’t really get you drunk. Talk about missing the point entirely. Why would you want to drink something that tastes like gasoline if you’re not at least going to get buzzed on the stuff? For the purposes of this list, I’m sticking to the real thing.



Bajoran Springwine



Religion and wine go together like, well, religion and fanaticism. And since the Bajorans are Star Trek’s go to race for religion allegories, it makes sense that they be given their own wine. The Bajorans have been making it for centuries from fermented kava fruit, so there is a sense of tradition that goes with it. And like seemingly all space-faring races in Star Trek, the first and best reminder of the comforts of home that you bring into space with you is something that can fuck you up.


Saurian Brandy

Always shown in a very phallic looking bottle, that can mean only one thing. It will fuck you up. Of all of the alcoholic beverages on Star Trek, this is probably mentioned the most, going all the way back to the original series. It’s usually referred to as being strong, and seems to have a reputation as a classy drink, enjoyed by civilized peoples. It’s mentioned with reverence, and bottles of it may be saved for years for a particularly special occasion. Basically, if rappers exist in the 24th Century, this is what they will be passing instead of the Courvoisier.



Tulaberry Wine

Remember how prohibition in the United States gave organized crime a foothold, what with their illegal bootlegging and such. And then after prohibition was repealed, they moved on to drugs, prostitution, extortion, murder, and all that fun stuff. Well, think of the Dominion as Al Capone and Tulaberry wine as his hooch, it’s how they got their foot in the door so to speak. Grand Nagus Zek sent Quark to the Gamma Quadrant for the purpose of acquiring a large amount of Tulaberry wine, more than the local producers could handle, for the express purpose of getting the attention of the Dominion. Anyone who remembers the last two seasons of DS9 knows how well that worked out*.

*not well.


Kanar

From my vast stores of Star Trek knowledge, I surmise that the perfect evening for a Cardassian, after a hard day of oppressing the indigenous population of whatever planet whose resources you’re stealing, would be to curl up on a nice hot rock and drink a glass of motor oil. Kanar may not be motor oil exactly, but it’s black and viscous (at least most of the time) and it’s good for getting well lubricated. Garak drank Kanar when the pleasure chip in his head stopped working. Damar drank Kanar when he was head of the Cardassian Union and the Dominion had him under their thumb. So I guess it’s good for making your forget your troubles.

Considering that in the mornings Cardassians like to drink a beverage that has been described as cold fish juice, what exactly Kanar tastes like is anyone’s guess. Since Cardassia has no agriculture to speak of, I like to think that it’s made of fermented rocks, or maybe ground up puppy dogs.


Aldebaran Whiskey


“It is…it is…it is green.”

What more is there to say about a beverage so nondescript that its chief feature seems to be its neon green color? That, and getting you promptly trashed. So when Scotty wanted to drink away his sorrows after finding himself aboard the Enterprise D, most of his friends dead, his once prominent engineering skills now 80 years out of date, Data reaches behind the counter and pulls out something that will get right on top of his boo-boo. It’s from Guinan’s private stash, so you know it’s good.

For those of you who recognize the color, the answer is yes, it’s Ecto-Cooler. There’s just something about Scotty and Picard sitting on the bridge of the original Enterprise, passing a bottle of Ecto-Cooler between them, it makes me smile.

PS: I miss Ecto-Cooler.


Romulan Ale

The Cuban cigars of alcoholic beverages in the future, in that it is illegal and yet seemingly not that hard to obtain (note: I have never actually attempted to obtain either Cuban cigars or Romulan Ale, so I have no idea exactly how difficult it would be. I’m just having a guess). The drink is highly intoxicating, even for Klingons (who have a notoriously strong constitutions), and resembles the blue stuff that barbershops use to soak combs in. This also appears to be the one drink from the series that is most replicated in the real world. There’s a beer, an energy drink, and several make at home recipes including everything from Bacardi rum to Blue Curacao liqueur. Or if you’re cheap, vodka and blue raspberry kool-aid works nicely.


Klingon Bloodwine

So if Bajoran Springwine is light and fruity and reminds you of springtime, Klingon Blood wine is dark and heavy and reminds you of war and murder. It’s made of blood after all (whose blood, we’re not sure). And is it any wonder that no Klingon vessel leaves port without a healthy supply of the stuff. Life aboard a Klingon ship is hard. You sleep on a shelf, your clothing is covered in spikes so every time you bump into a wall you hurt yourself, dental hygiene isn’t exactly the greatest, and the threat of death is constantly hanging over your head. So it’s no surprise that your average Klingon might like to get a buzz on every once in a while? Remember that notoriously strong constitution I mentioned earlier? This is where they get it from.

"Drink up, pussy."

Interesting note: the first human to drink bloodwine in the Star Trek universe was Jonathan Archer. Knowing his reputation as a human punching bag, it probably beat up his internal organs and stole their lunch money.


So what are your favorite fictional alcoholic beverages? Come on now, don't be shy, share with the class.