Monday, September 14, 2009

Pimp My Starship

My name is Cyberbeast. Welcome to my crazy. Please, play along.

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to live in your favorite science fiction series? If you're anything like me you have. And if you aren't anything like me, then why would you be reading this? For the sake of argument, let's say that you answered 'yes' to the first question. So let's say that you rubbed a magic lamp and wished yourself into the nearest futuristic utopia (or dystopia if that's what you're into), and that when you arrived you found yourself on the interstellar version of everyone's favorite MTV show, “Pimp My Ride”. So the alien version of Xzibit (I was going to try to alien up his name, but he already has an 'X' and a 'Z' so I don't have a lot of options). So as I was saying, X'z'b't comes up to you and says “What are you looking for in a pimped out starship?” So what are you going to tell him? Here are a few ideas of my own, feel free to steal them if the above scenario ever happens to you.

Third Warp Nacelle / Kickass Phaser Cannon (“All Good Things” (TNG))

As you may remember, the series finale of Star Trek: The Next Generation took us to the future future, where Captain Picard was old and senile, Geordi had eyes, Data had a skunk spot, and Riker was a crotchety old Starfleet admiral who was too busy yelling at kids to get off of his space lawn to lend a hand and save the world. But then again, he's Riker, and when he isn't imitating John Wayne, he likes to imitate Han Solo, by flying in at the end and saving the day. Watch this clip.

There are so many cool things about this moment that I scarcely know where to begin. Riker's 'tude, the fact that the Enterprise appears on the Y axis under the Klingon ships, and the fact that Riker's idea of 'getting the Klingons attention' is BLOWING A HOLE THROUGH THEIR SHIP WITH THE FIRST SHOT! Apparently that phaser cannon is the starship equivalent of Danny Vermin's 88 Magnum. It shoots through Klingons.

“You shouldn't fire on my friends' starship, Johnny. The Klingons fired on my friends' starship once. ONCE!”

It then blows the ship up and flies through the debris, like it was stepping on a bug and couldn't be bothered to even slow down. And the third nacelle, it's just cool. I can't really explain why. It's like the A-Team built a starship in a junk yard and threw in everything they could find. It ain't pretty but it gets the fucking job done.

Phase-Cloak (“Pegasus” (TNG))

Imagine being able to combine the powers of Darien Fawkes from The Invisible Man (the ability to be invisible without having to be naked) and Kitty Pryde, aka Shadowcat from the X-Men (The ability to phase and pass through solid objects). The ability to go anywhere, undetectable and indestructible. Unless of course the thing breaks while you're in the middle of an asteroid, that could get messy. Oh, and there's that pesky treaty with the Romulans that says the Federation isn't allowed to have cloaking devices.

But if you're John Locke from Lost, you can do whatever you want, right? Okay, that's when my memory of this episode gets a little hazy. Here's another clip of the phase-cloak in action.

I guess they needed it to fight the smoke monster or something. Still, despite the possible drawbacks, I want one. See, the thing that “Pimp My Ride” never shows you is what happens after the cameras leave, and the newly tricked out car is left parked at the curb, alone and defenseless. Those flat screen monitors in the bumper seemed like a good idea at time, until you realize that they can be pried out quite easily with a screwdriver. That's why you need a phase-cloak, to keep the haters off of your shit. That, and a BIG FUCKING PHASER CANNON! There's another thing you never see on PMR. But X'z'b't is cool like that, he'll hook a brother up.

Ablative Armor / Transphasic Torpedoes (“Endgame” (VOY))

Speaking of defensive measures, remember Tim Burton's “Batman” from 1989? Well, so did the writers on Voyager.

Look familiar? It occurs to me that what good is a phase-cloak for defense when no one can see how badass you are. This should get the point across I think. Yeah, I'm here, what are you going to do about it motherfucker! My starship ain't nothin' to fuk wit! Sorry, I got a little carried away there. Moving right along.

Transphasic torpedoes were made for the express purpose of fucking up Borg cubes. Here's a clip.

Yeah boy! Captain Janeway ain't nothin' to fuck wit! Okay, I may be alone on that one, I can accept that. Moving on. After Voyager made it home, Starfleet took away all the future tech that Admiral Janeway gave Voyager, something about polluting the timeline. Spoilsports. But, they did keep the transphasic torpedoes as a weapon of last resort against the Borg. Do yourself a favor and read the Star Trek Destiny series to see how that one worked out. Still, I may have to defend myself from the Borg. Lord knows they'll want to get their hands on my new kickass starship, so they can add it's technological distinctiveness to their own. Or maybe just strip it and sell it for parts, who knows. It's a rough galaxy out there, hard times all around.

Multi-Vector Assault Mode (“Message in a Bottle” (VOY))

Lets ignore for a moment that Andy Dick was in this episode and focus on the USS Prometheus, shall we. Starfleet's latest and greatest ship (at the time) had a little trick that it did that it called multi-vector assault mode. Basically this meant that during a firefight, the ship could separate into three ships, and fuck up your shit from three different directions at the same time. Still, as badass as that sounds, the Prometheus still managed to get jacked by Romulans and had to be saved by a couple of holographic doctors. That's a bit embarrassing so let's not dwell on that. Here's a clip.

Yeah, multi-vector assault mode ain't nothin' to fuck wit! Sorry, I'll stop doing that, I promise. Still, you have to ask yourself, what's better than a badass starship at your command. And then you have to answer yourself, THREE badass starships, that's what! I know, you're asking what about the three nacelle design that I picked? How is that going to work? Simple, each section gets its own nacelle. If one nacelle is good enough for Kirk's father, then it's good enough for me. (And if you don't know what I'm talking about, why haven't you seen the new Star Trek movie yet?!)

Temporal Drive (“Future's End” (VOY) and “Relativity” (VOY)

So, you've got a kickass ship with a big gun and some cool torpedoes and a retro third nacelle that can armor itself and phase-cloak and impress all the ladies while you're cruising the space lanes (warp one, so everybody can get a good look). So what are you going to do with it? Travel trough time, duh. Turn on the phase-cloak and fly through the battle of Gettysburg. Shake hands with Genghis Khan. Go back to when Hitler was twelve and dump his books. Hover over the Superbowl, peak in on Marilyn Monroe in the shower, whatever floats your boat. Or maybe you can visit 1947 Roswell, New Mexico and freak some people out.

When Voyager encountered a 29th Century starship captain named Braxton, well, as Lt. Commander Data would say, the fecal matter interfaced with the air circulation device. They all went back in time to 1996, Braxton's ship fell into the hands of Ed Begley Jr., and the tech boom of the early 90's happened. What's that you say? What about the Eugenics Wars, which according to Star Trek canon happened during the 90's? Rick Berman took a big shit on Star Trek continuity, that's what happened. And then they put a model of Khan's ship, the Botany Bay, in Ed Begley's office as a little wink and a nod to the geeks who notice things like that. Not that I would, notice things like that I mean. Ahem (pushes up glasses). Anyway, my point is, there is a lesson to learn from these events. Never piss off a guy who owns a time machine.

Especially that guy. Look what happens two years later.

That's right, not only did he still hold a grudge against Voyager, but he turned into a different actor! I'm not quite sure how that fits into his diabolical plan, but still, never piss off a guy who owns a time machine. Sound advice.


Replicators, holodecks, a fully staffed holographic crew, pleasure GELFs, etc. You know, the usual. I could go on but honestly, the whole inside of the ship could be one giant holodeck and that would suit me fine. After that you can pretty much just ask for anything that comes to mind and there it is. A few years of that and I'll turn into one of those fat people from WALL-E who's forgotten how to walk. Computer, tell me again about this thing called 'dancing.'

What do you think, Sirs? What starship features would you pick? Feel free to pick from any fandom that you like. Come now, don't be shy. Share with the class.


  1. Wow, that phase cloak is really something! It's so cloaked it fucks up youtube and displays
    "The URL contained a malformed video ID."

    Transphasic torpedoes do the same thing, apparently.

    Forget those wimpy photon torpedoes, you gotta go with a Wave Motion Gun. Blow away whole fleets in one shot! (It helps if the enemy gathers together and remains motionless while you charge it up. Maybe they think that the WMG light is the flash of a camera? "Hey, the Yamato is going to take our picture! Come on everybody, get in close and AHHHHHHHH!!! MY FACE IS MELTING!!!!!*")


  2. Um, yeah, that's it exactly. Those weapons are so awesome that YouTube cannot contain their badassery without shutting down. Either that or I fucked up those links. Yeah, it's probably the second one. Links are fixed.

    How did I know that you would bring up the wave motion gun? What about Yamato's third bridge? That's a pretty handy feature to have, a section of the ship that keeps reappearing after it's been destroyed.

    Thanks for playing along, Scarecrow :)