If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from watching the Travel Channel (or as I like to call it, Food Network II), it’s that you can tell a lot about a culture by looking at the food they eat. If there are two things I’ve learned, the second would be that Andrew Zimmern enjoys eating testicles. The stranger and more disgusting the food, the more a culture seems to be proud of it. This is true of even regional cuisine right here in the states. Case in point, my own hometown of Philadelphia has a little local delicacy called Scrapple. It is essentially the fruit cake of meat products, in that it is a good way to use leftovers. They take the parts of the pig that they can’t put into hotdogs and press it together in a loaf. It’s then sliced and fried and served with breakfast. Personally, I think it’s delicious, as long as you don’t think too much about what you’re eating.
So what does Scrapple, or cheesesteaks for that matter, say about my fair city? What does spicy food say about a culture? It’s fun to speculate, and it’s fun to think about these fictional alien foods and wonder what they might say about their respective races. As I looked back on some of these foods, I can’t help but think of Andrew Zimmern again from “Bizarre Foods” and I wonder what his reactions to some of them might be.
Gagh (Klingon)
Gagh are serpent worms, usually consumed live. Where I come from, we call it bait. Klingons are big on death, so the closer their food is to it the more appealing it is. The appeal of Gagh seems to be not in the taste, but in the feeling of the worms’ death throes in the mouth and stomach. Even when they are eating, they have to be defeating an enemy in some way. From the other Klingon cuisine that we’ve seen, it seems that they’re also big on I-dare-you-to-eat-this foods. They like to prove their bravado by eating things that other species would find repellent. Any Klingons living on Earth in the 24th Century probably enjoy haggis and stinky tofu.
I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Andrew Zimmern eat live insects and worms before, so Gagh wouldn’t phase him a bit. He’d swallow them without issue, comment on their earthy flavor (or Qo’noSy flavor I suppose) and ask you to pass the targ testicles.
Hasperat (Bajoran)
Hasperat is a spicy concoction that resembles a burrito, though it does not appear to contain any meat. Its eye-watering, tongue searing heat seems to be its primary feature. Ro Laren commented once that her father made the spiciest Hasperat that she had ever tasted. She then offered to make it for the leader of the Maquis cell that she was infiltrating at the time, thereby setting him up to be a father figure for her, right before he was gunned down in cold blood by the Cardassians. Spicy food can also be considered a type of I-dare-you-to-eat-this food, but not because of any gross-out factor. It’s almost a test of strength and character, a trial by fire if you will. In a way, I think this represents the Bajoran people very well. They are a deeply religious people, and so they revere tradition. They have a pride in themselves that comes with fighting oppression, and a need to show their strength. But they are also a passionate people, and to me spicy food has always represented a desire for the spice of life.
Again, Andrew Zimmern wouldn’t have a problem here. He’d probably ask if there was some small animal available whose organ meat he could spread on the tortilla to add some flavor.
Plomeek Soup (Vulcan)
Plomeek soup is a dish that is probably most famous in Star Trek lore for Spock throwing a bowl of it against the wall in “Amok Time” when he was going through Pon Farr. That Christine Chapel, she never could take a hint.
It’s often described as bland in taste. No real surprise there. If spicy food represents passion and zeal for life, then Vulcan cuisine in general is probably plain and tasteless. It’s doubtful that they would see the logic in preparing a meal with complex flavors, food to them is just sustenance. But then, no one species is ever all one thing. An argument could be made that the flavor of Vulcan food is simply subtle, and needs to be appreciated as such. Neelix once tried to prepare Plomeek soup for Tuvok on Voyager, but he found it to be too spicy. Neelix then told him to go fuck himself. No, wait, that was a different episode, my mistake.
If Andrew Zimmern were to take a culinary tour of the galaxy, circa the 24th Century, he’d probably skip Vulcan. Since Vulcans are largely vegetarians, brains and testicles aren’t likely to be on the menu.
Tube Grubs (Ferengi) 
Who would have thought that the Ferengi and the Klingons would have something in common, namely the eating of live worms. In addition, Ferengi also use a product called Beetle Snuff, which they snort to get a buzz on. I think there’s definitely an effort here to make the Ferengi seem more rodent or troll like. They’re short, they hunch over and cringe a lot, they eat insects, and it rains a lot on Ferenginar so there’s a good likelihood of finding them hiding under bridges for refuge.
The Ferengi enjoy their tube grubs chilled, and occasionally pre-chewed by their women folk. I think Andrew would be fine with the cold worms, but he’d probably pass on the naked bridge troll chewing on them first. He’s just not that kind of guy.
Jumja Stick (Bajoran) 
A Jumja Stick is an extremely sweet Bajoran confection made from the sap of the Jumja tree. They were often seen carried by people on the promenade on DS9. Chief O’Brien and Nog both had an affinity for them. In a way, I think things that are extremely sweet can say much the same about a culture as things that are extremely spicy, they’re both forms of excess. If spicy food represents passion, then sweet food represents decadence, something that Bajorans might like to show off after the Occupation.
“What is that? Is that a testicle? No? Damn!”
Leola Root (?) 
A root vegetable native to the Delta quadrant, its taste was never fully described, only that it was bad. Very, very bad. During the starship Voyager’s trek across the Delta quadrant, their resident guide and self-proclaimed morale officer Neelix introduced them to leola root. He cooked many dishes using the vegetable including leola root stew, leola rice pilaf, leola bark tea, I think he even used leola root to make that coffee substitute that he tried to foist on Janeway. There was even a running gag among fans regarding the number of shuttlecraft that had been destroyed during Voyager’s run that they were making additional shuttles out of the stuff. Thankfully for Neelix, he didn’t return to the Alpha quadrant with the rest of Voyager’s crew. If he had, he would have likely stood trial for crimes against taste buds.
Something tells me that Andrew Zimmern and Neelix would have gotten along swimmingly. He could have spent a lifetime sampling the bizarre concoctions that erupted out of that kitchen.
Rokeg Blood Pie (Klingon)
Rokeg Blood Pie is a Klingon dessert, and a favorite dish of the Enterprise-D’s own Lt. Worf. Though not explicitly stated, we can assume that it’s made with blood of some kind. Klingon cuisine seems to feature a lot of blood and organ meat, that is when what they’re eating isn’t still alive. In fact, there’s even a variety of Gagh that’s packed in targ blood. They’re a warrior culture, and blood equals life and death, so there’s some symbolism involved. Or maybe they just have an iron deficiency, who knows.
“What are those things sticking out of the top? Are they testicles? Gimmie!”
If there’s one thing that being snowed in for two days is good for, it’s catching up on my movie watching. So in between bouts of shoveling out my car (because my landlord is an asshole who didn’t get our parking lot plowed until 9:00 Sunday night), I managed to finally sit down and watch District 9. As with most of the movies that I watch way too late, D9’s reputation preceded it. Most of what I had read on the Internet said that the first half of the movie, with its faux-documentary style was great, but that the second half devolved into just another action movie. What I was expecting was a hard line, a moment where the documentary ended and the action movie started, but it wasn’t quite as cut and dry as that.
